Cool as a cucumber. Righteously unaffected. I will not react. There's nothing more to say. Every sentence of my DX wife could be trying to get me to react, yet I am immune. Blissfully even. My immunity renders her unarmed. This is my approach now. Let's see how it goes.
Without going into all the gory details, I've concluded that my wife is ego-syntonic (unable to see my perspective / unable to place my views at the same level as her own). Like, nothing can be about me for more than a couple minutes before it has to be about what I'm doing that upsets her. Lingering resentment and contempt are also reasons we've gotten here.
Compared to so many stories on here of cheating or financial problems, it seems silly to me that we can't just figure our stuff out. I just think that we're perfectly incompatible in an important way and can't keep trying the same thing and expecting a different result.
She inevitably chills out after our conflicts and wants to reconnect, and I just feel completely shook by how ridiculously escalated she became and honestly think she doesn't remember or can't imagine how harmful her reactions, judgments, criticism, and controlling behaviors affect me. And anytime we quarrel in front of our toddler, it breaks my heart. The kiddo definitely notices there's a problem too.
Any fellas out there dealing with something like this? (No cheating, no "obvious" problems, just ongoing contempt, fighting, and never feeling like you're seen while all she cares about is her being seen?). I'd be particularly interested in stories from men married to women with adhd, cptsd, depression, anxious attachment, rejection sensitivity, and so on.
I won't get into all the details. She was raised by an emotionally and verbally abusive stepfather and an emotionally unavailable mother. So much of this dynamic has crept into our relationship. But what seems like the final deal breaker is that, even when she is expressing legitimate needs and desires like wanting closeness and being together, her delivery method is anger and using a blaming voice, and any attempt I make to describe my perspective is immediately rendered as me "being defensive" and is disregarded as such.
Ultimately, we both wish we can make this work, but she keeps pushing harder and harder and saying the same damn thing a thousand times, that she wants me to be curious about her, wants me to set up plans to do stuff together, etc, But she doesn't see how her daily dose of essentially fighting me to get her way is pushing me away.
So much is written about pursuers/distancers, or anxious/avoidant attachment. We've certainly fallen into something like this. But honestly I think more needs to be written from the perspective of the withdrawer. Of course, some men withdraw in order to control or out of selfishness, but I just feel totally withdrawn because I don't feel any emotional safety in this dynamic, particularly that she doesn't seem able to self-correct. She can't say what she needs directly. Everything needs to be emotionally charged with negativity. I feel sad that this is how she must have needed to communicate as a child to be heard, but I think I'm done. I don't think any person should have to endure this if there's no end in sight.
Sorry for piling on the pain train, I think marriage is beautiful and I wish you all the best. For me, we have a kid who just turned three, and I cannot stand the thought of our child being around our constant conflict anymore. I'd really be curious if there are people here who could make this make sense to me, because I don't know why somebody would keep doing the thing that pushes me away, constantly, even after I brought it up, and not see how it affects their partner. It just seems wildly destructive, self-centered, and... I don't even know. It doesn't compute to me.