u/MinuteConflict6823

Hi everyone,

Your feedback has been a gift, and I've tried to implement it! I've been shocked at how the same plot can be represented so differently across different query drafts. Mind sharing final notes?

Query:

Dear [Agent],

I’m thrilled to share FIRST AUTHOR, an adult contemporary romance complete at 93k words. The sharp banter between academic rivals-to-lovers is perfect for readers who adore the sneaky supportiveness in Sarah Adams’ Beg, Borrow, or Steal and the steamy STEMinism of Ali Hazelwood’s Love, Theoretically.

After years confronting the small-mindedness of her hometown, Megan Turley is finally thriving as a UCLA doctoral candidate under public health legend Susan Brener. With Megan’s program nearly complete, she only needs to finish her dissertation, author several publications, stop bursting into tears over buggy code, and cement Susan’s support for the job that will kickstart her academic career. Simple, really, until her nemesis starts as a postdoc in Susan’s research lab, using the space as his launchpad to the tenure track.

Newly-minted Dr. Maxwell Lawrence is disarmingly charming, funny, and warm, except for with Megan. After years of conferences spent debating how to measure public health outcomes, their dynamic is… acerbic, at best. Still, as mature scholars, both can confirm their rivalry is entirely unrelated to how they met. Unlike health, that event is easily quantified: two scholars, one flirty night, and absolutely zero hard feelings about how it ended. Really. The tension between Megan and Maxwell that could trigger a public health advisory? Solely academic.

While the friction brought by proximity can feel suspiciously like sparks, Megan refuses to fall for Maxwell again, especially when she’s convinced he’ll do anything to get ahead in his career—including undermine hers. Seeing their ambition, Susan assigns the two to co-lead a project that culminates in an international trip to woo megadonors. With the lab’s funding and Susan’s endorsement on the line, will Megan and Maxwell cool their inkjets enough to collaborate? And if they can finally trust each other enough to get on the same page, what will it say?

FIRST AUTHOR was happily procrasti-written while dissertating at [University Name], serving as a means to pass my first-gen doctoral struggles into Megan and Maxwell’s competent, carpal-tunneled hands. While this is my fiction debut, I have authored research articles in top-tier journals such as [journal name] and [journal name]. When not writing research or romance, I enjoy [8 words family].

Warmly,
[Name]

Questions:

• Does this query better capture the romantic spark, stakes, and plot?
• Any voice-less or trite parts I should consider revising?
• Recommendations for concision?

First 300 words:

I didn’t throw the phrase “worst day ever” around lightly. After a few years of therapy sponsored by my doctoral program’s health insurance, I took on the well-adjusted “wait and see” approach to life instead. It worked like this: when something bad happened, I reminded myself to wait and see if a silver lining could outshine the clouds.

So when my housemate woke me up with the fire alarm at 6 A.M. this morning? My wait and see response was rewarded with the breakfast burrito she made me as a well-received apology. When hot sauce from the burrito erupted onto my last clean top? Wait and see. I got to borrow my housemate’s cute ribbed tank, which looked even better with my blue linen shorts.

When I stepped in dog crap outside of the apartment? In this case, I didn’t wait and I tried not to see. Instead, I sprayed my sandals off with the hose at the back of my weathered apartment building, not wanting to track shit up 3 flights of stairs.

Still, all of these hurdles, in sequence, with a hangover, were not enough to overpower me. I had a healthy outlook on life. I was in my lane. Flourishing. Thriving.

But when I walked into the shared office space of our university lab and saw the new post-doctoral hire, who just so happened to be my nemesis of three years? No waiting required. That was enough to make this The Worst Day Ever.

I locked eyes with Maxwell Lawrence from across a double row of cubicles. At least, he locked eyes with my knock-off Dior sunglasses. He froze for half a beat, his face tightening nearly imperceptibly. Then, without even a nod, he turned back to inspect my coworker Hawi’s monitor over her shoulder.

Questions:

• Any suggestions on brevity? My next 35 words are my favorite, and I'd love to fit in the punchline within 300.
• Relatedly.. how often do queries only allow first 300 words, as opposed to the whole chapter? If it's rare to only get 300, then I won't focus on cutting.

Thank you!

Hi all! Thanks for your very helpful query feedback last week. I've added needed context and am in the process of shortening my manuscript (target is 93k words before querying).

Thanks again for any help you can provide!

Dear [Agent],

I’m thrilled to share FIRST AUTHOR, a contemporary academic romance complete at 96k words. This book is for readers who adore the heart-warming, sneakily supportive rivalry of Sarah Adams’ Beg, Borrow, or Steal and the girl-wake-UP and steamy STEMinism of Ali Hazelwood’s Love, Theoretically.

After years confronting the small-mindedness and sexism of her hometown, Megan Turley is finally thriving as a doctoral candidate at UCLA, working under public health legend Susan Brener. With Megan’s tight-knit friend group and a juicy travel assignment on the horizon, the last year of her PhD is set to be her best, until her nemesis starts as a postdoc in Susan’s research group.

Newly-minted Dr. Maxwell Lawrence is smart, funny, and warm, except for around Megan. Maybe his selective disdain has to do with that conference four years ago—the one where he definitely did not kiss her but definitely did shred her work in front of a large crowd of peers. He might be charming his way into the heart of the lab now, but Megan won’t be fooled again, and she has evidence of an authorship scandal that proves just how right she is to avoid him.

When Susan assigns them to co-lead an international project that puts the group’s funding on the line,  Maxwell and Megan must discover if they can survive working around each other or if the tension is too big of a public health risk. Every day around Maxwell pushes Megan closer to confronting him, even if doing so compromises her ethics and unleashes a special level of academic hell. By graduation, Megan learns more about herself, Maxwell, and Susan than her dissertation ever proposed. Still, as every academic wonders—can new findings ever be strong enough to convert your staunchest opponent?  

[bio details]

Specific Query Questions:

• Can I include one famous comp (A.H.)? Several of my target agents describe A.H. in their MSWL, which is why I'm still on the fence. Or do I go for another Academic on Academic romance (Jodi McAlister's An Academic Affair) even when the snark/quirk is less comparable?
• Do query portals allow for italics? I fear my writing makes less sense without italics, so I may revise if formatting is wiped out.
• Is it trite to include "must discover if..." or my rhetorical question "Still, as every academic wonders..."?
• Thoughts on length or ways to shorten?

First 300 words (I welcome your feedback):

I didn’t throw the phrase “worst day ever” around lightly. After a few years of therapy sponsored by my doctoral program's health insurance, I’d taken on a very well-adjusted “wait and see” approach to life, instead. It worked like this: when something bad happened, I reminded myself to wait and see. It might not be so bad after all–maybe there was a silver lining that outshone the clouds. 

So when my housemate woke me up with the fire alarm at 6 AM this morning, my response was wait and see. And would you look at that–she made me a breakfast burrito as a well-received apology. Not so bad after all. When hot sauce from the burrito burst onto my last clean outfit? Wait and see. Now I was borrowing my housemate’s cute ribbed tank, which looked even better with my linen shorts than my old top. 

When I stepped in dog crap outside of the apartment? In this case, I did not wait and I tried not to see. Instead, I sprayed my sandals off with the hose at the back of my weathered apartment building, not wanting to track shit up 3 flights of stairs. 

The approach worked for nearly everything. When my bus to campus was delayed, I waited for nearly an extra half an hour. But see? Now I had an excuse for being late to work, plus extra time for my sandals to dry. 

All of these hurdles, in sequence, with a hangover, were not enough to overpower me. I had a healthy outlook on life. I was in my lane. Flourishing. Thriving.

But when I walked into the collaborative space of our university lab and locked eyes with the new post-doctoral hire, who just so happened to be my nemesis of 3 years? That was enough to make this The Worst Day Ever™.

Hello! Seeking beta readers for the first quarter of my romance novel, similar in tone to Ali Hazelwood. Please DM me if interested!

Blurb: The last year of Megan Turley’s PhD in Public Health is going to be her best, until her nemesis shows up to work in her advisor’s lab. Maxwell Lawrence is smart, funny, and warm around everyone—except for Megan. Maybe it has to do with that conference four years ago—the one where he definitely did not kiss her but definitely did shred her work publicly in front of a large crowd of her peers. He might be charming his way into the heart of the lab now, but Megan won’t be fooled again, and she has evidence of an authorship scandal that proves just how right she is to avoid him.

When their widely influential advisor—public health legend Lisa Brener—assigns them to an international project with the lab’s funding on the line, Maxwell and Megan have to choose if they can survive working around each other or if the tension is too big of a public health risk. By the end of the year, Megan learns more about herself, Maxwell, and Lisa than her dissertation ever proposed. Still, every scholar wonders—can new research findings ever be enough to change someone’s first opinion? 

ETA: I'm willing to critique swap, and based on how this first quarter goes, I do have a full first draft of the manuscript. Spice is Hazelwood-level (open door).

Hi all,

EEK! Is anyone willing to criticize the first draft of my query letter? Thanks in advance for your insights. I would also love to connect with similarly-minded contemporary romance authors on here.

Dear (editor),

I’m thrilled to share my debut novel, First Author, complete at 98k words. With forced proximity, competent and empowered leads, and a meet-cute gone wrong, this book is for readers who want the steam and STEMinist academic setting of Ali Hazelwood’s Love, Theoretically mixed with the wit and rivalry of Emily Henry’s Beach Read.

The last year of Megan Turley’s PhD was set to be her best, until her personal and academic nemesis showed up to work in her advisor’s lab. Maxwell Lawrence is sharp, funny, and hyper-competent–the ideal post-doctoral hire and the worst possible addition to Megan’s social and professional circle. Since when did a Ken doll belong on the Island of Misfit Toys? As Maxwell quickly wins over Megan’s hard-fought community, Megan is forced to decide if she tiptoes around him or confronts him about that one night at a conference four years prior. 

When their widely influential advisor Lisa assigns them to a high-stakes international project, Maxwell and Megan have to choose if they can survive working around each other or if the tension is too big of a public health risk. By the end of the year, Megan learns more about herself, Maxwell, and Lisa than her dissertation ever proposed, but as every scholar wonders, are new research findings ever enough to change someone’s first opinion? 

This is my debut novel, happily procrasti-written while conducting my own dissertation at [University]. I began writing to (a) express the humor that is (so wrongfully!!!) edited out of my academic manuscripts and (b) process the struggle of navigating the upper echelons of academia. While this is my first work of fiction, I have authored numerous research articles in top-tier academic outlets [Journal Name, Journal Name]. When I’m not writing research or romance, I’m hanging out with my [5 words of family details].

Specific concern: is it a value-add to discuss my status as a student, especially since it relates to the current context?

https://preview.redd.it/y5lbm1pa5ezg1.jpg?width=768&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1aaae3551bac135379a7f2db62301a5a06c5b4d8

My husband left a year ago; I left 6 months ago. Both previously RMs, MTC teachers, temple workers.

I finally worked up the courage and invited about 10 of my nevermo friends to a coffee shop with me for my very first sip of coffee. One of them made me this badge 🥰 They each ordered something different so I tried a tiny sip of almost everything. I will not lie, coffee is gross. But not as gross as everything done to me by the MFMC!

I bawled thinking about the love I've felt from my husband, my friends, from so many random people after leaving. The church makes you think you'll never be able to feel love again, or that you'll never feel joy again, but it's not true. Leaving is the hardest but best thing I have ever embarked on.