u/Mission_Ad6484

It’s weird how as an adult, whenever I visit my family at reunions and events (like Christmas or various family celebrations), the dynamics are sooo so different from what it was when I was a child. Everyone is so polite to each other and smiling and pretending that nothing ever happened, like all the violence and all the yelling it’s gone, like all of the abuses that happened jnvolving many (if not most) family members of the extended family never happened, like everyone can act so nicely to each other for a day or two, like nothing ever tormented us to extremes.

It just makes me feel so crazy all the time, like I seem the only one carrying all the trauma of all the violence happening in those houses, like everyone could so easily move on and forget and forgive and I just can’t yet. Makes me feel so invalidated and makes me wonder every time if maybe I remember it all wrong and just overdramatized it all

I’ve started seeing a therapist and it’s been some time already (maybe 5-6 months?) and the therapist knows I have been through csa but I can’t get myself to talk about it, I’ve given very broad spectrum of what when happened but even that I’ve had major issues disclosing and could only like nod to the questions she was asking me. Whenever she brings up this topic I panic and go completely blank and out if touch with my emotions and memories even. She asks me what I feel about certain aspects of it but I can’t even remember what I feel in general while I’m in therapy. It just seems so impossible to get vulnerable enough with anyone to get to talk about those things and let someone see the real me and see how broken real me truly is. That being said, the therapist is trauma informed and from what I could see she seems to be doing everything really well text book and it’s not an issue that I don’t trust her, cause rationally I believe she would only give me supportive reactions and would be helpful. But I guess I also believe that maybe I don’t deserve help and compassion and empathy because I hate myself too much and I’m too disgusting for empathy. Any tips on how I can move past this blockage in therapy? I was also not able to explain the source of the blockage to my therapist..

Whenever I try opening up in therapy about my abuse, I feel like a fraud, I can’t keep asking myself what if it isn’t real but my mind made it all up, what is real and what isn’t, what if I’m lying and can’t even tell… i have some memories quite clearly in my mind (and always had those memories), but I still doubt them all the time. And then I have other memories that are super hazy and those I doubt even more and can’t even disclose them in therapy due to the fact I fear so much my mind making it all up.

This is posted in other subreddits too in case you’ve seen it before, but still very much on my mind

As the title mentioned, I used to remember a very triggering partial memory from when i was around 2-3 years old. I have clearer memories from later (ages 4-5 to 10) but this was probably my earliest memory.

Unlike the later ones, where I remember actual longer fragments like idk actions happening and so on, in this esrly memory i only have like an image stuck in my mind but no actual action or what was actually happening in terms of action, just an image. I also used to remember one specific sentence he told me in that memory.

But as I mentioned, for some unknown reason, this was a specifically triggering memory to me, compared to the later ones. I would avoid at all costs thinking about it and every time I did I either got a panick attack, or fainted. Last time I tried thinking about it, I both fainted briefly then got a massive panick attack after waking up from the faint. About 2-3 weeks ago. What is annoying is that now, I seem to have lost access to this memory - not completely but like I can remember even less than I did before, which wasn’t much to begin with and I can’t at all remember that sentence that he told me.

It is very frustrating to me (as I already feel pretty guilty about my fragmented memory of the abuse) and I guess I’m wondering if anyone experienced domething similar, if they ever managed to regain those memories once their nervous system maybe calmed down or if it’s gonna be just this from now on. It never happened with the previous times I had panick attacks/fainted from being too triggered by this memory.

As the title mentioned, I used to remember a very triggering partial memory from when i was around 2-3 years old. I have clearer memories from later (ages 4-5 to 10) but this was probably my earliest memory.

Unlike the later ones, where I remember actual longer fragments like idk actions happening and so on, in this esrly memory i only have like an image stuck in my mind (of me and my abuser naked together alone in a room), but no actual action or what was actually happening. I also used to remember one specific sentence he told me in that memory.

But as I mentioned, for some unknown reason, this was a specifically triggering memory to me, compared to the later ones. I would avoid at all costs thinking about it and every time I did I either got a panick attack, or fainted. Last time I tried thinking about it, I both fainted briefly then got a massive panick attack after waking up from the faint. About 2-3 weeks ago. What is annoying is that now, I seem to have lost access to this memory - not completely but like I can remember even less than I did before, which wasn’t much to begin with and I can’t at all remember that sentence that he told me.

It is very frustrating to me (as I already feel pretty guilty about my fragmented memory of the abuse) and I guess I’m wondering if anyone experienced domething similar, if they ever managed to regain those memories once their nervous system maybe calmed down or if it’s gonna be just this from now on. It never happened with the previous times I had panick attacks/fainted from being too triggered by this memory.

Even writing this makes me feel awful, but all my life i could only reach orgasm by doing the exact same things he would do to me when he abused me. It happened for quite a few years from a very very young age (can’t remember exactly but i was somewhere around 4-5 when it started).

It’s got to the point where it affects quite a bit my sex life now, as i seem to need to do/get done to me the things he would and it’s messing a lot with my head and mental health. I want it to stop but i don’t know how..

It wasn’t a brutal/violent abuse, as a child i also physically enjoyed it and i hate it, i think it messed me up worse…

This is a throwaway account, as I don’t have the guts to post from my main.

Idk how to put it in words, also English not my first language, but long story short, I had many instances of sexual assaults/rape throughout my life and I’m finding it hard to believe it’s all just a coincidence and that it’s not because of me and how I am/behave.

I was abused by a family member really early on in my life for several years (first memories are around the age of 4-5 but could have started earlier and stopped around the age of 10). I was suuuper hypersexual as a child , even at those ages of 5-6 I remember masturbating a lot and have been watching porn since i was maybe 8-9, which especially as a girl was pretty uncommon?

As a teen I really craved male attention and validation, both from guys my age and much older guys, and idk I can’t help but feel that this is why all my bad experiences later in life where kind of my fault.

My first boyfriend crossed the limit several times with me (as following my csa i was pretty reticent in gaving sex with dudes, although hypersexual and masturbating a lot). He would have sex with me when i was totally passed out from drinking/smoking/in my sleep etc.

After we broke up I had some decent experiences with some decent guys, but still, occasionally, I’d still end up in really bad situations that I feel really guilty for (as in ending having sex with guys when i really didn’t want to I just couldn’t communicate it properly and just let them do whatever they want).

I was also textbook raped a couple of times a few years later, once by a friend and once by a random guy, but I always feel that it was my fault by being the way I am and I can’t help but wonder if I crave being broken and abused, as much as it hurts me, maybe I’m addicted to it.