So I am about 20 weeks pregnant soon to have my anatomy scan and every time we see my mother-in-law she keeps on bringing up the fact that when we make our nursery, we don’t need to get a baby monitor because she thinks they’re useless and she says that I’m gonna be checking on the baby every 20 minutes or so anyways, so there’s no need for me to get a camera because it’s a waste of money.

She also hasn’t cleared out my husband‘s room in her house since we got married, which we got married December 2024 and we moved into our own house right away.
And now that I’m having this baby, she told me she’s thinking of clearing out his room finally and I’m thinking OK well, she’s probably gonna turn it into a nursery. She hasn’t explicitly told me that it will be a nursery, but I can see where this is going. She’s also extremely enmeshed with him and he’s supposed to be setting boundaries this week and I am waiting on that to happen. I requested that I’ll be there when the boundaries are set to whether in person text or phone call at first he refused and told me no because he doesn’t want his mother to feel like she’s being attacked or ganged up on, so then I suggested OK. You can do it through text or phone and put it on speaker and she won’t even know I’m there. And if you do it in person, I won’t speak. I will only let you speak, but I need to be there not because I want to control everything but because I don’t trust that you’re actually going to follow through. or the fact that you’re not gonna make the boundaries be extremely vague because he’s the avoidant type and she’s the type to guilt trip him and get away with things and since this is his first time setting a boundary with his mom over our marriage, I don’t trust that he’s actually gonna follow through because we’ve been having conversations about setting a boundary for over a year now and he still hasn’t done it. He kept saying I’m gonna do it and he never really does follow through. He’s all the words no actions. So this time I requested I’d be there because I need to see this done. He said he’s gonna tell me everything in the way that everything went down so I don’t need to be there, but I don’t trust his word at this point. It’s also because of the past he’s kept things from me and I found out later on because he wanted to “avoid conflict.”

Edit: she’s also automatically invited herself to be in the delivery room and assumes that she’s just gonna be coming even though we’ve never had a conversation with her about this or about who’s gonna actually be there because I’m not letting anybody in there other than my husband
She keeps on making comments like oh. I hope you give birth at the x hospital so that I’m closer to you and I can get there.
I also plan on having no visitors at least for the first 3 to 4 weeks other than my own mother to take care of me. Husband has agreed to this.

And I find it kind of weird that she’s insisting on having no baby monitor every single time. Also, if she does end up making a nursery, there’s no way I’m letting my baby go to her place overnight or even be there when I’m not around.

She has ended up purchasing so many clothes ready for the baby and they’re all neutral tone and she’s insisting that she just couldn’t help herself when she sees these items even though we told her to wait until we know the gender. I only have bought our child one outfit so far because we are waiting to find out the gender and she already gave me a bag full of clothes that she found at Old Navy or she saw somewhere and “just couldn’t help herself”.

She also has been insisting that she cannot be called grandma and that she’s gonna think about a name for herself when the baby is here. 🙄🙄🙄

And for more context, my husband is her only child and she was cheated on when she was pregnant and FIL left her since, and now has multiple different families in different states.

I’m currently pregnant and I’ve been going through a very stressful period emotionally. I’ve been having trouble sleeping because my mind keeps replaying things, and I’ve been crying almost every day for the past couple of weeks due to issues with husband and in-laws.
I’m starting to feel scared and guilty that my stress levels are harming my baby. I know stress is a normal part of life, but this feels intense and I can’t seem to calm my mind. I love my baby so much and the last thing I want is for my emotions to negatively affect them.
Has anyone experienced a lot of stress, anxiety, or crying during pregnancy and gone on to have a healthy baby? I’m looking for reassurance and advice on how to cope.
I don’t have a support system at all.

This is an update to my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/CWvhCVnEDp

DH and I have started couples counselling because of ongoing issues involving boundaries with an enmeshed MIL. After our last session, DH told our therapist that he wants to have a conversation with MIL about healthier boundaries. He hasn’t decided yet whether he will do it before or after her birthday.
Now I’m stuck on what to do.
MIL’s birthday is August 1, and I honestly don’t know if I should attend.

There is also some emotional history around this weekend. Spider-Man comes out July 31, and I planned this in advance because it is DH’s favourite superhero. I bought opening-day tickets because I wanted to surprise him and make it something special for us to do together. I also bought tickets for my siblings and family because I thought we might be in Toronto that weekend and wanted us to enjoy it together.

Originally DH was excited to go with me, but later he told me he might not be able to because of work/on-call responsibilities and because it was MIL’s birthday weekend and he wanted to stay and celebrate with her.
I completely understand wanting to celebrate your mom’s birthday, and I would never want to take that away from him. But I felt hurt because I had planned this in advance, and it felt like once again our plans became something that could be changed when family plans came up.

I offered solutions, like celebrating MIL another day or adjusting plans so everyone could still feel included, but I felt like there wasn’t much willingness to compromise.
Now with the birthday gathering coming up, I’m conflicted.
The reason this is so difficult for me is because my reactions to MIL have gotten to a point where I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel like I am constantly triggered by reminders of the hurt I associate with these boundaries not being respected.

For example, MIL gave us eggs last weekend because she bought 60 eggs from Costco on sale and wanted to share them with us. Logically, I know they are just eggs and she was trying to do something helpful. But emotionally, I have found myself unable to even cook them because I immediately associate them with everything that has happened. I have had moments where I feel like I want to throw things away just because they came from her.
I know this reaction is bigger than the actual item itself. It’s more about how much resentment and hurt has built up over time. It scares me because I don’t want to feel this much anger toward someone, but I also feel like I have been carrying these feelings for so long without feeling heard or protected.

I have been gray rocking her and she went from texting me every day to now it’s been 2 weeks since she texted me and the last thing she asked me was if we had gotten home from our trip to Toronto. To which I said yes and she said glad yall are home. That was the end of it. I’m pregnant and she has not checked on me once or the baby. Only asks DH if baby is ok when he calls her after work every day.

Being around MIL has become emotionally difficult for me. A lot of the comments and remarks that have hurt me have happened when DH isn’t around, and then she acts differently when he is there. After everything that has happened over the past year, I find myself feeling anxious about being around her.
At the same time, I worry that if I don’t go, she will see it as rude or take it personally. I am pregnant, so I do have a reason if I choose not to attend, but I also don’t want to create more tension.

The timing also makes me nervous.
If DH has the boundary conversation with MIL before her birthday, I worry the gathering may feel awkward because things have changed and I don’t know how she will react.
But if he doesn’t have the conversation before her birthday, part of me feels like I’m walking into the same dynamic that has hurt me without seeing any actual changes yet.
I don’t want to punish MIL or create drama. I genuinely want a healthier relationship moving forward. But I also don’t want to force myself into a situation where I’m emotionally uncomfortable just to keep the peace.

I’m considering:
- attending and keeping it short,
-attending only if DH and I have a plan and I feel supported,
- politely sitting this one out until after the conversation and seeing how things go.

If you were in this situation, what would you do?
Would you attend to show goodwill and support DH, or would you prioritize your own comfort until you see some actual changes after the boundary conversation?

This is gonna be a long one. Grab a snack and a drink.

I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same cycle for over a year, and I’m trying to understand if I’m being unreasonable or if my feelings make sense.
DH and I were together for about 5 years before getting married. During that time, we had a very loving relationship and rarely had conflict. We were long distance, so I only met his family a couple of times before marriage. I knew DH and MIL were close and that they talked often, but I didn’t understand the full family dynamic because I wasn’t living in it.

After marriage, I moved to Ottawa and became much more involved with his family. That is when I started noticing things that made me uncomfortable.
I want to be clear: I do not want DH to cut off his family. I do not believe a husband cannot be close with his mother. My issue is that I feel like our marriage was expected to fit into an already-established family dynamic instead of the family adjusting to the fact that DH was now married.
Over time, I started feeling like MIL had a level of access and involvement in our marriage that I was not comfortable with.

Some examples:
DH and MIL talk every single day, often while he is driving to or from work.
MIL frequently asks detailed questions about our daily life — where we went, what we ate, what we did, our plans, etc.
Plans would sometimes be made between DH and his family, and I would find out afterward.
I would hear things like, “Oh, DH didn’t tell you?” or “I thought he told you already,” which made me feel like an outsider in my own marriage.
There have also been comments and behaviors from MIL that have made me uncomfortable.

For example:
MIL has called DH things like “my love” and made comments that felt overly affectionate, especially considering he is a married man.
She has joked that she is his “date” when they go out together.

She has made comments about how handsome he is while directing them toward him while I am standing there.
When discussing trips, she has asked DH things like when he is taking her, even though I am right there. Afterwards, she may ask if I want to come too, but it feels strange because I feel like I should naturally be included as his wife.
She has made comments that left me feeling like an outsider, such as saying, “If I had lived here as long as you have, I would know where everything is by now.” It felt less like a helpful comment and more like a criticism comparing me to her level of familiarity.

There have also been issues with our home and boundaries.
One example was when DH’s family bought and installed a gazebo in our backyard without having a conversation with me first. It was already decided and placed, and I was expected to be okay with it.
For me, the issue was not the gazebo itself. It was the fact that a major change to our shared home happened without my input. I felt like I was not being treated as an equal homeowner/partner in decisions about our space.
Another issue has been visits. I have expressed that I would like people to ask before coming over.
However, there have been situations where MIL will come over when her sister is coming over, almost like her sister’s visit becomes a way to bypass asking us directly. It feels like a boundary is technically being avoided rather than respected because she can still show up without having to ask.

When I first brought these concerns to DH, he would often say:
“That’s just how they are.”
“This is our family dynamic.”
“Maybe MIL isn’t used to me being married.”
I understood that this was their normal, but my response was that marriage creates a new family unit. I needed them to adjust to me being DH’s wife, not for me to endlessly adjust to their way of doing things.
I gave it time. I tried to be patient. But after over a year, I still felt like I was the only one adjusting.

A big part of the hurt has been that DH often does not recognize these moments as problems when they happen.
For example, if MIL says something that hurts me or crosses a boundary, DH often says:
“I didn’t hear that.”
“I didn’t see it that way.”
“I thought that was normal.”
“They didn’t mean it like that.”

I understand he grew up with this family dynamic, so maybe things do not stand out to him the same way. But what hurts is feeling like I have to explain why something hurt me before it becomes valid.
I do not need him to automatically assume MIL has bad intentions. I need him to be able to say:
“I didn’t experience it that way, but I understand why my wife felt uncomfortable.”

Recently, we started couples counselling because our communication has become very difficult. Our therapist pointed out that DH has a people-pleasing pattern and struggles with boundaries.

DH told our therapist that he wants to communicate boundaries with MIL around things like:
privacy,
questioning,
involvement in our marriage,
healthier communication.

At first, he considered writing her a message, but now he wants to do it in person because he feels it would be more genuine.

The reason I am struggling is because I am scared he is only doing this because he feels overwhelmed by our conversations and wants the conflict to stop, not because he fully understands the issue.
I worry he will have the conversation, come home, and say:
“I handled it. I talked to MIL. Can we move on now?”
But for me, this is not about one conversation. It is about what happens afterward.

I need to see:
MIL asking before coming over.
Plans involving us being discussed with both of us.
DH protecting our privacy as a couple.
DH not allowing guilt or disappointment from MIL to override our boundaries.
DH standing beside me if MIL reacts negatively.
Consistent actions, not just words.
I don’t even really want an apology from MIL anymore. I mostly want changed behavior.

The biggest issue I have with DH is that I often do not feel chosen or protected as his wife. He says he prioritizes me because he works, pays the bills, spends time with me, and takes care of us, and I do appreciate those things.
But what I mean by prioritization is:
standing beside me when boundaries are crossed,
making decisions with me,
protecting our marriage,
being willing to disappoint others when necessary.

DH says he feels overwhelmed because we have had many conversations about these issues. I understand that. I do not want him to feel attacked.
But from my perspective, I have been bringing them up because I feel alone and unheard. When I come to him vulnerable, he often becomes silent, shuts down, or focuses on feeling overwhelmed, and then I feel like my original concern disappears.

There have also been moments when he gets overwhelmed where he raises his voice, hits the steering wheel while driving, or hits objects. He knows I grew up around physical abuse and that these things are triggering for me. I do not believe he intends to hurt me, but I have asked him to handle anger differently.

I am also pregnant right now, which makes everything feel more urgent. I am scared about postpartum and worried about people overstepping with the baby while I am vulnerable and recovering. Also did I mention she touched my belly without consent last time I saw her? Soooo uncomfortable! I was shocked.

I do not want to spend postpartum fighting for boundaries. I want to trust that DH will stand beside me.
So my question is:

Am I expecting too much? Is it unreasonable to want my husband and I to become the primary family unit after marriage?

Or is it reasonable to expect extended family to adjust and respect boundaries?

Has anyone dealt with a spouse who is very close with their family and struggles with setting boundaries? How did you know whether they were truly changing versus just trying to end conflict?

I had made a post about this previously with some other details and context. Here’s the link for that: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/EByCGpcCnR

EDIT

For all the comments suggesting I move, I can’t.
I am pregnant, unemployed, I left everything I knew behind in Toronto.
Can’t even move back to my mom’s. Dad is abusive, controlling.
Going to college 11 days postpartum so i can finally be independent even if that’s what it takes. I couldn’t finish my education before as it was pushed back due to my own health issues at the time (cancer survivor).
I have no support system here. No one that I know. No friends. Nothing.
As for childcare during college: DH taking 6 months off to be with baby while I study. My college is 10 mins away. After 6 months baby will be in daycare at the college with me. I plan on breastfeeding and pumping during breaks. College is looking into accommodations currently. Will update when college has something for me.

This is why I want things settled now before LO is here because LO will be alone with DH while I’m in class and I need boundaries with MIL set so I can feel at peace during class without worrying if MIL showed up unannounced or he took the baby to her etc.
we do have ring cameras. So I plan on keeping those and checking them during school hours.

My in-laws rarely ask us things, they usually tell us what they’re doing in a way that’s polite but doesn’t really leave room to say no. For example, they’ll send a text like, “We’re hoping to come by at 11:30 tomorrow to pick up some items. See you tomorrow. Love to you both.” There’s no “Does that work for you?” or acknowledgment that we might already have plans. It feels like we’re just expected to accommodate them.
It’s not just that, though. My MIL often asks my husband questions about my pregnancy instead of asking me directly, even when I’m available. She wanted updates on my appointments through him, kept asking for ultrasound photos after I’d already said we didn’t have any, and generally seems to want to know every detail of what’s going on. She also sent us baby clothes before we even knew the baby’s sex without asking if we wanted anything. It often feels like she uses my husband as the middleman instead of communicating with me directly.
There have also been a lot of little passive-aggressive comments over time and an expectation that we should always be available or explain ourselves. Individually, none of these things seem like a huge deal, but after a while they add up and make me feel like my autonomy isn’t being respected.
Even my therapist has pointed out that some of these behaviors sound controlling and that constantly going through my husband instead of me is a form of triangulation.
Also MIL used to just come by whenever her sister would just randomly join the gathering and invite herself to our home. They’re best friends and talk every day! So whenever they’re coming over she also just shows up. It is truly so annoying.
Im expecting my first baby in December and I’m hoping to set proper boundaries that they will actually respect before baby is here because I get enraged just thinking about her not respecting any of it. We have tried setting boundaries before but it’s all just been ignored. Shes a narcissist and plays the victim every time or cries “I didn’t mean it like that” or “I didn’t realize you took it that way”. 🙄
Like one time she came over and she asked me where my family doctor was and I told her the plaza name and she asks me oh what road is it? (I am new to the area, so I don’t really know any places as of yet) so I told her I’ll send her the address when I find it (idk why she needs to know this but ok) and then she goes “if I lived here as long as u have I would know where everything is by now”. It’s comments like this that piss me off because ??? Anyway.
Not to mention since I announced my pregnancy she basically has ghosted me and only will text me how baby is doing as if I know???? Or text me if she wants more info about DH day or our plans. Basically just to gather info.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this just a normal family dynamic, or does this sound controlling to others too?

SOME CONTEXT INTO OTHER EVENTS: update

I wrote this as a response to a comment but thought I’d also put it here!

There have been so many instances of this kind of thing that I finally started couples therapy with DH because I’m hoping things will get better and he’ll learn how to actually set boundaries with me.
The problem is DH has absolutely no spine. We’ve had countless conversations about this, I’ve cried to him about how important it is to set proper boundaries, but he doesn’t want to come across as “rude” to his mom because she’s a single mom, he’s an only child, and they’re completely enmeshed. It makes everything so much worse.
He also tells me I read too much into people’s texts, behaviours, or tone. I do have C-PTSD, so yes, I naturally scan people’s behaviour, but I swear this is not me making things up. MIL is so subtle with her BS that it all comes across as “concern.” She also used to be a nurse, so she loves dropping unsolicited advice every chance she gets.
I really want to get this sorted because two weeks postpartum my college starts. I can’t defer my start date (that’s a whole other story), so DH will be home with the baby while I’m at school. Thankfully my college is only about 10 minutes away.
But with this new situation, I KNOW she’s going to be coming over to see the baby while I’m not home, or wanting to take the baby back to her house. Just thinking about it makes me enraged.
I want my own mom around because I’ll need all the help I can get after giving birth. I already know DH, or MIL, is going to throw it in my face if I tell her she can’t come over whenever she wants but my family can. DH already told her my due date, but I’ve made it very clear that when I go into labour, we are not telling anyone.
We already have Ring cameras and a doorbell camera, so if she starts showing up unannounced I’ll have proof. I have already told her she needs to ask me before coming over. Her workaround now is that she won’t ask me directly. Instead, she’ll come when her sister comes over and act like, “Oh, I was visiting her anyway so I thought I’d stop by too.” 🙄
And it’s not just her. DH’s aunt and uncle do the same thing. They come over to our house to change their tires because we have the tools (they originally belonged to them before we bought the house). They don’t ask—they just tell us, “We’re planning on coming on X day to do the tires,” and then they show up.
Just yesterday his aunt texted me saying they were “inviting us” over for Canada Day at 1 p.m. and finished it with “See you there.” I replied, “DH and I are taking a personal day to ourselves. We won’t be able to attend. Have a good Canada Day.” Her response was simply, “Too bad.”
DH feels incredibly guilty saying no to his aunt and uncle because this house used to belong to them before we bought it, and they left their tools in the garage for us. In his mind they’ve “done so much for us,” so he thinks we should just let them come whenever they want to use the garage. Meanwhile, I feel like that’s exactly why they now feel entitled to just show up whenever it’s convenient for them. 🙄
Moving forward, though, I’m done. I’m not answering the door anymore, and I’m not allowing people to just show up whenever they feel like it.

Hi I’m starting in the winter term and I’m wondering if there’s any groups for that term? Would love to join in:)

If there isn’t one I can add you to one just lmk in the comments!

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Hi guys. I have recently been accepted into RT W2027 term. I am currently in early pregnancy and it seems as though baby may come late December - early January. I’ll be freshly in the postpartum stage. I was wondering if anyone’s gone through a similar situation and if they know about any deferral options available or even remote learning for the first few weeks?

Partner & I have been trying for a baby for a long time and right when we decided to stop trying because of school, I find out I’m pregnant. 🥹