I'm so sick and tired of myself
I don't even know where to even begin atp. I don't know when and how but I've developed exam anxiety. I do have anxiety in general as well. I'm so done with this. Every time I'm so stressed that I can't study, can't sleep, can't eat and my brain keeps spiralling. I'm so tired of this. My anxiety has reached the point that my body starts getting sick. Every time there's a difficult exam and I'm stressed about it I throw up. This has happened so many times that I've lost count. At once it got so worse that i was admitted because my blood pressure was very low. It was the worst time of my life. I'm still in college and I've missed a few of my mid sems and end sems. I haven't talked about my anxiety with my college friends coz I don't think they'll get it. My parents keep wondering why do i always throw up when my exams are going on and keep telling me not to worry so much etc etc. I feel so much of guilt and shame about not being able to go to college and give a fucking exam because I'm too scared. I know that it won't be the end of the world but somehow the cycle keeps repeating and i genuinely hate it. The same thing happened yesterday morning when I was getting ready to go to college. I threw up. I still went to college and gave the exam and it went well. Then last night when I was studying for today's exam i started spiralling once again. I keep feeling like I'm such a huge failure. Last night it actually got worse. I threw up once and then 30-40mins later I threw up again. I couldn't sleep because my body was not having it. I couldn't lie down, my stomach kept feeling weird and i couldn't go to the doctor because it was 2am. I don't know how tf i survived the night. My mother is very worried about me and said don't go for the exam today and so here I am. I've missed calls from my friends and i don't know how I'm going to face them. I feel ashamed and guilty and what not. Like this is so fucking stupid and I'm genuinely done with this. My stomach feels weird after throwing up so much. I just want to disappear or maybe just stop the time. I feel like I'm such a failure and disappointment. I'm genuinely just trying my best to live somehow but it keeps getting hard. I want to run away from everything and everyone.