u/More_Loquat_1658

CW: Potential triggers for partner abuse, mental health distress, poor self-image, suicidal ideation

Hello there,

I have been burnt out for almost two decades. Partly due to some very abusive relationships, mixed with substance use (pot and alcohol). My adolescence was fairly abusive as well and I was bullied at both home and school. I have still managed to mask and hold on to jobs, but I can never stay at one job for over two years. I was also studying in a doctoral program for a very long time, so didn't really work full-time in my twenties.

I keep switching between ideas, and day-dreaming. I keep making plans but cannot execute them. I also have minor periods of hyperactivity, but have been spending most of my time feeling really anxious because my mind is basically blank most of the time. I have flashes of an idea, but can never complete my thoughts and never follow through. Most of my plans also involve starting over in absolutely unfamiliar fields, like learning how to code from scratch when I don't even come from a technical background or learning how to paint when I haven't even learnt drawing in school. Frankly, I am tired of my brain.

I can do nothing except manage my workday and then rot and doomscroll all the time. I am upset that everyone else, even my ND friends are flourishing in life while I feel like I have been frozen in time and am only regressing.

My reading, writing, hobbies, special interests have all been abandoned because I just get so anxious and depressed about my life choices and mental health.

I don't know why I am writing this, if I need support, advice or just a witness. But I am not doing well. I feel like I've lost all my skills, as a writer, researcher or artist. At this point, I don't even know if these skills will come back.

This has also made me bitter, envious and resentful. I hate feeling this way. I feel like the most incompetent, ugly, useless person alive and I have no support system. No friends, no close family no one I can go to. I have been in therapy for years but I don't see a change, and medication only made me feel much worse. My family or friends don't know about my diagnosis because they would never understand.

I also don't have an official Autism diagnosis because I have CPTSD and my assessor attributed my symptoms to that. At this point, I feel so lost and hopeless I don't know what to do.

Recovery is simply not an option because I need employment to survive and I hate my AI led, shitty capitalist job in a city with no access to nature. I am so tired. I miss being a person. I miss having hobbies and talent and promise. I have atleast 20 ideas but no way of following through with even one, and no one to help me. Where do I even go from here?

P.S. I am not from the US or a country with a strong health system.

Hello,

As the title states, I am looking to switch from my current industry role to something meaningful in the social work or creative sector, preferably in education, development or environmental protection.

I have about 6 years of experience in the education and social sector working with private universities as well as international clientele. I also have a doctorate which has given me decent research and writing skills. I believe in democracy and equity so would like roles that seek to further these goals.

I would prefer remote or hybrid work ideally in a place near a beach. My salary expectations are somewhere in the 12-16 LPA bracket.

I know I am probably looking for a unicorn job, but I would like a cooperative team where everyone is working towards a common goal, with a support system in place because I am also neurodivergent.

My ideal job would involve documentation and some amount of travel with periods of rest and recuperation.

I am passionate about changing society, one lesson at a time, and can adapt to any kind of living situation.

For anything further, please DM.

This message is for anyone who wants to do a PhD in India, particularly in the humanities and social sciences sector. It may seem now that it opens a lot of doors and is a pathway to a secure future. This is simply not true. Covid and post-covid migration policies have absolutely destroyed the educational ecosystem.

Students are abused. Teachers are exploited and not even a good postdoc or research career can save you from the hellhole of Indian bureaucracy.

Fuck net. Go do a job and earn experience.

Speaking as someone who finished their PhD and was an assistant professor for a few years, Indian academia is career suicide.

In my university the average time to completion was almost a decade. Most people did not get jobs that translated to stable careers. Professors are miserable, and if you are not politically or socially connected it is next to impossible to get a job. Even the jobs that are available are temporary. They will use you and throw you out.

Most advertisements proudly demand foreign PhDs.

If you somehow manage to finish your PhD in India with no help from your supervisor or department, you will not land a stable gig, and if you do, you will be miserable dealing with the apathy of the admin and unethical practices of students. If you are over 35, IIT will neither hire you, nor allow you to apply for a postdoc.

No one will tell you that you need to publish or perish. No one will help you become a writer or a researcher. Hell, you are lucky if your supervisor even knows the topic of your research, let alone reading your PhD and providing inputs.

Save your selves, and go study in tech so you don't suffer and regret your entire life like I do.

Humanities jobs are threatened around the world and it is particularly bad in this country. Do yourself a favor and learn something that makes you employable.

Most of my friends are either unemployed or miserable in their jobs, despite excellent credentials. Let this be a warning to you.

TW: burnout, suicidal tendencies, SA, mental health struggles.

I hate working. I am so burnt out. I am struggling. I still don't know what I want to do with life. I keep switching jobs and My CV is a fucking red flag for recruiters.

My ADHD brain keeps making new plans and my autistic brain cannot function in this world. I wasn't even diagnosed with autism because my Cptsd overlaps too much so I can't claim any disability. I don't even know what is the cause of my burn out except being an absolute loser.

I just want a job that keeps me close to nature, helps me contribute to society and feels meaningful while paying me a living wage and giving me time and money to focus on hobbies. I have done nothing in almost two decades because I have been burnt out. The news bums me out. The violence, the wars, the growing dystopia and disconnect of our society. I just want to quit my job. I just want to do something that actually makes a difference. But everything is exploitative. All labour is extractive. I have wasted my entire life and changed 10 jobs in five years, I can't even quit because I know I will be unemployable with all the res flags. I used to be a writer. I was a promising researcher. Now I am a fucking shell of a person in a shit hole of a country that I cannot even leave because I don't see a way out of this job. I have made so many horrible decisions that have led me here. I am perpetually anxious. Everything I try fails.

I have a history of being physically and sexually abused and everyone tells me that I should just move on but I fucking can't. I even think that was all my fault because I spent my twenties getting drunk and stoned. My parents who hurt me then are so nice to me now that I feel guilty for still carrying all that hurt.

I hate everything and most of all I hate myself.

I feel so hopeless, helpless and trapped. I wake up with severe anxiety and spend my time alone just fucking crying. All my dreams have gone to waste. Nothing will ever change or improve for me.

I know I should be happy I atleast have a job and my hours are somewhat flexible, but I am so miserable at my workplace. I don't get along with my colleagues and I am so bitter and resentful. I have been in therapy for decades, taken medication. I have tried everything and I am fucking tired.

My mind still keeps making plans and canceling them. I only have ideas, no way to execute them. No idea if that would even make sense or work out.

My executive function is so bad that simple things look impossible and everything is piling up. Why the fuck is the world so difficult to navigate? I can't make friends, or find a partner. Hell I cannot even understand my taxes, how to close my account, how to transfer my govt funds. I am losing so much money and it gives me so much anxiety.

How am I so fucking useless? I hate myself. I hate my looks, my work, my choices. I am a terrible person. There is no saving me.

Nothing I do ever helps. Nothing I try works out. I am so so done with life and I don't even have the courage to die.

I wish I could run away and start all over but I am too late. I am so qualified on paper but I barely survive. I cannot clean, cannot do anything except the bare minimum to keep my job. I am so weak and pathetic and ugly and stupid. I am so jealous of people who have the strength and resilience to improve their lives no matter what they face. I feel like I am just stuck for the past 2 decades at least.

I need help. I need a fucking way out and I can't find it. Even if I found one, I am too tired, lost and burnt out to crawl out on my own.

My country does not offer any support FYI.