u/Morgan_NonBinary

I’m just at page 900, but it feel like (as I should know) we’re not even close to the end, and yes I do follow news about the upcoming books (in all the other series. Wit (Hoid) and his past, the Shattering of Adonalsium, the knights radiant, a Seon appearing (AonDor, Elantris), Vasher appearing, his sword, Nightblood )Vasher’s sword) in the hands of Szeth, the Ghosbloods and greater role in the Cosmere. Many things fall into place.

The Physical, Cognitive and Spiritual Realm. It’s really a Masterpiece, I just have to read, almost can’t stop. Then it’s a good book, still <400 pages to go folks (about four or five days to go.

Very exciting, but know, I’m a reader, not a scholar of Brandon Sanderson.

Dear people. I’m trying to make a post about my process and hoping there are no words or subjects that make any of you upset. Some of my post were deleted because of the H word.

My life has been tragic, at five I was abused for seven years on a row. Also later a group of 3-5 boys found it nice to kick my a* and hit and kick me, leading to many bruises, broken eyebrows, black and blue. I didn’t understand why.

I was never aggressive, but I demolished many a thing I bought, including my guitars. To punish myself. The thought that I was to blame, guilt hijacked my thoughts and feelings. It created an inner ‘kidnapper’, being guilty that is, that changed my perception on life: through the lens of guilt. Just like the famous Stockholm kidnapping, where the hostages developed feelings of sympathy and even love for the narcissistic manipulations of the kidnappers, I developed sympathy for the thought of being to blame, a guilty person harvesting bad karma or a sinner getting payback. I withdrew for a large part into the shadows of invisibility.

My ‘puberty’ was strange, ‘cause I developed female traits, a fem hormone cycle, breasts, softening skin, no facial hear, no lowering of my voice; I lost almost all bodily hair, in fact I got almost no hair. I never had love affairs, though I was quite popular with the ladies, but I was so afraid of intimacy, my body was not male, even the parts that makes doctors cry out: “It’s a boy, sort off”.

I was always more fem, my body partly, but it was hell. That’s why I joined the Pentecostals, where everything not heteronormative was considered evil. The though of guilt, despair and fear kept me focused on the non critical side, until I almost started my ‘transition’. A year and a half later I was diagnosed with 47XXY and 46XX chromosomes, what is considered rare but I’ve spoken with 4 other persons with a somewhat similar condition (there a always other genes that lead to a variation).

Just this year my eyes opened to the fact that my perception of guilt took my self-worth and ‘kidnapped’ my thoughts and emotions that created this perception. I had to free myself from this twisted perception. It was difficult, ‘cause every feeling, thought etcetera was soaked in guilt.

There was only one way: crying my eyes out, learning to be kind to myself. Ik took me three months of agony and a river of tears to gradually gain more love and affection for myself (this is one of the many emotionally devastating traumas I had to face).

Inner work, self-analysis, going though every situation and telling myself: “I’m not to blame, even when sometimes I couldn’t be thoughtful because of the agony inside and that’s why I could become hopeless and angry, always blaming me”. I almost asked my doctor to commit me to a psychiatric hospital, before I got the help I needed badly. My past got the best of me, depressed with nowhere to go.

Self-love ain’t easy, it’s easier said than done on the surface, but trying to fix myself, ‘cause there ain’t any psychiatrists or psychologists that can fix me. There’s not time enough for analysis, ‘cause I do this myself, having a high IQ, autism, ADHD and a shiteload of traumas and my experience with them is that I have to explain all my discoveries and the way to handle it,

I could be an expert on trauma, analysis, self-discovery, going to the bottom of that hidden pain helped some of my friends in some inexplicable way, ‘cause we have shared experiences. Having real friends is a gift. They listen without giving a oneliner and encouragement. Most of the time I’m so lonely sometimes, trying to be among lovely and openminded people. Still I have anxiety, I act very happy, but now I’m brown, I cry when I feel like it, but more often at home.

I felt lost for almost my entire life, I’m getting better in changing my life by granting myself to mourn, laugh, cry, have agony, joy and looking in tha mirror and seeing a beautiful soul, a beautiful body and someone worthy of love.

I can be proud I survived the hardships until now and the lowest point ever, though at a late moment in my life I’m finally finding a source of abundant love in myself. I’m finally becoming the one I always was from the inside out and to love and be loved. Hope love comes my way, ‘cause I feel so freaking empty by all the hurt and pain I felt inside. My friendix ( they are nonbinary) comforted me. Otherwise the pain we become too unbearable to cope with. I’m crying now. It isn’t over yet.

When I was young, I had a dear friend who unfortunately died due to an aneurysm. After he passed his father contacted me, to talk about his son. I’ve studied a lot at this time, but I wasn’t ready, despite of all my studies and mental issues.

I thought I understood what his father, a master mason was saying, I had many biased views, due to conspiracy theories at home.

I went through a lot in my 20’s until in my early fifties. Leaving fundamental Christianity, I was without anything but myself.

I started to get to know myself, but my viewpoints were distorted. I’ve started researching many religions and trying to see connections, but they are still blurred. I’ve tried to discover what are the enemies within, lack of selfworth, trying to fix my inner blockages. But upright about my intentions. What do I want to accomplish within Freemasonry?

Facing the Self is frightening, because I only saw the Shadow of parts of myself, not the light that throws a shadow, because of my point of View, the blockage.

Does this even have to anything do with Freemasonry? I just wanted to share my thoughts. Maybe is has nothing to do with Freemasonry, not even my vast knowledge, not even my intuition or emotional point of view. All I think about “Nosce te ipsum”, know thyself. Does this make any sense?

At this point it seems symbols, meanings, ‘secrets’ have no meaning. But still, there’s still a huge black space of the unknown. I really love symbolism, meaning, Kabbalah etc. I studied all that stuff for decades. The drawing towards Freemasonry, where does it come from? From what I’ve studied, becoming a better person, have meaningful conversations, have more insight, the rituals? I’m not yet there? I don’t want to despair about The Big Question. I’ll have to find that one myself, not knowing why people like William Stukeley wanted to become a Mason. I think it was their personal interest in learning the secrets of ages, from Egypt to the Druids and any other interest that might have triggered their application to the Craft.

A master told me recently: “it’s about yourself, what is your reason you want to become a Mason”. He asked me not about, knowledge, IQ, hobbies or my accomplishments.

The deepest question. Maybe I’ll find that answer in time. I just wanted to be a better, more compassionate I already am), upright person. Not for any title, advancement or anything else. I want to break down my leaky house and start from rockbottom. My knowledge is strength but also the biggest weakness.

Hi there folks,

From about 17 started lessons, rock, metal, folk, fingerpicking, Bossa Nova, Classical, fusion (Al di Meola, Alan Holdsworth) etc.

Never tried the QC with my nylon string guitar. There’s enough info around steel-string guitars for figure it out. My Yamaha and Ovation need a little help from you folks. Only amp / cab. The rest isca piece of cake

Thanks

Hi there folks,

I never had a Strat, I disliked the sound, it was pure bs and being stubborn, rusted inside a world without Strats. Yeah, right, I bought one. For some thing nothing can beat a Strat. Like a fucking conversion for a metal chick, playing mainly 8 strings (8 and like unused nine strings, the latter are nice wall decorations , one, I call Big Bertha a ridiculous 30” scale, but nice for Halloween with bats). Anyways….

Especially (for me) the clean, chime sounds. Eighties style or guys like Andy Timmons.

(Got a lotta plugins who’re coming in the 3.10 CoreOs update).

What would be a good amp and cab. Maybe several combinations. Hope I don’t overwhelm you folks.

I already figured it out for my other guitars, except for another one. Not in this post

Thanks in advance