u/Mother_Rutabaga7740

So I’m 2 weeks on T now. Honestly nothing is happening, except my skin is a little oilier and I guess I can speak just a smidge lower than I used to if I force myself to.

Anyways, I know changes take time, that’s not what I’m here for. It’s just that the weight of what I’m doing is getting to me right now. I actually have to come out soon (cant really hide a deepening voice), I will actually see my body change and I have to prepare for the possibility that I won’t like what I see. Like I obviously know what T does, but the truth is, there is no guarantee that I won’t detransition in the future. I have to deal with people mocking my existence as a trans person, and as a detrans person if I got more noticeable irreversible changes. And if I’m transitioning while girlmoding forever (which is unsustainable due to voice anyways), why am I transitioning?

And idk, I’ve managed to live by keeping all of this gender stuff inside me for a decade now, maybe it isn’t too bad to just keep all of this a pipe dream without its blemishes instead of a real thing I have to face. Idk. I’m not even that scared for the effects of T itself, even in the worst case scenario (detransitioning), I just don’t think I’m ready to face the real world yet.

Content warning for, basically anything you’d have a CW for considering the title.

I feel like the Epstein situation is the pinnacle of everything I hate about life and society. The fact that these people are so bored out of their mind that they rape children instead of, literally doing anything else with their billions of dollars. The fact that the victims tended to be orphans looking to be adopted, people who were poor and tried to model, or that some are even children of victims. The fact that they are the elite and the law doesn’t care enough to persecute anyone in the files. The fact that Epstein basically funded the modern alt-right into fruition, and hung out with the cretins of academia like Laurence Krauss, Richard Dawkins, and Steven Pinker who also played a hand in spreading shitty right wing ideas, but in an “intellectual” way of course, since they’re academics so we should take them seriously, right?

And we’re the evils ones for having even an ounce of bloodlust for them, right? Just be a good little boy and give up a portion of your wage so these ghouls don’t have to pay taxpayer money, oh gosh the horror! Well if wishing for their downfall makes me evil, then I’m Satan himself. But in that case, at least Satan wouldn’t tolerate these subhuman pieces of trash. But seriously, I still think about the files, and I get reminded of them a lot. Overpriced groceries and high taxes? Well like I said, we’re paying extra while these people get tax layoffs so that they can have their fancy balls where they assault children. Academia? Well, they allow those cretins I listed earlier to have a voice and be taken seriously. The internet? Epstein weaponized it to create the alt right and put his buddy up for presidency. But we’re the evil ones for cheering about Luigi Mangione and Charlie Kirk’s assassination.

So hormones are finally in the foreseeable future for me. Really, my main obstacle is the early phase. I want to pass as a man as soon as possible, or else I’d rather hide that I’m transitioning. Let’s be real: people who don’t pass as either male or female get a shit ton of flack for it, and I really, really don’t want to deal with the harassment and shame that comes with being an openly queer person. My campus is queer friendly, but the idea that there will always be a person quietly judging me for being queer fills me with dread. The idea scares me so much that I seriously considered ghosting my family and living off of remote jobs for a while so I don’t have to be in public life.

So, I wonder how hard it would be to avoid that “non-passing in either direction” phase. I’m okay with my immediate family and my friends figuring out that I’m trans nowadays, but not the general public. Do I just, not talk to people for a year or so? I mean I went entire courses without talking to the profs, or saying something that couldn’t be done in an email. I am going back to uni where my daily life is just by myself so I guess it’s worth trying. I wear baggy pants and a hoodie with the hood covering my head every day, so I don’t think wearing fem clothes is an issue. Given all of that, can I girlmode, let T do its thing, and then just become a man out of the blue?