u/MountainCable8

So I 22F and my partner 22M are going to get intimate for the first time. A week later we'll be losing our virginity to each other. I think I fucked up by saying yes to it, to put it in context I've been really chubby my whole life all thanks to PCOD (diagnosed late) and an eating disorder.

In all of my excitement i forgot my inner thighs, private parts and underarms are super dark and dry, not dirty, just dark. He's a very sweet man and loves me (i think). His idea of sex might've come from porn and when he sees my body I'm scared he'll be traumatized or throw up idk something like that. The worst part? He's travelling from another city to see me and is really looking forward to the sex thing. The man is blunt, I'm scared he'll end up saying something that ruins my self-esteem for good. Like atp i don't even want sex because nothing is better than something terrible.

I don't know how to even bring it up without sounding demeaning towards myself. I feel so disgusting. I don't know what to do, I'm at my wit's end. Help!!

To preface this I'd say I've been fat my whole life, but no matter what family said or how bullying happened being on the heavier side didn't affect the way I had ambitions.

But now, I'm 23, I'm doing what I love, away from the chaotic environment i grew up in, weighing much more than i did in my teens. And it's been difficult getting close to people lately, I don't know how to explain it, I've always been approachable. I make friends easily but I don't have any emotional intimacy or guidance in life.

Ngl, I love freedom but being on my own is not setting me free, it sucks. But it's like whenever I fall apart I'm scared I won't find my pieces fast enough and people might lose patience. Whenever I share something to someone I observe them like a hawk. And get hurt when it's not the reaction i expect, i know I'm messed up.

I thought I had socialization all sorted but it's lonely when you have a conservative mom and you aren't really close to your sibling. LIKE WHAT TO DO? COLLEAGUES AREN'T BUDDIES, BOYFRIEND IS NOT THE BEST FRIEND, Where do I go?

😭😭😭😭I don't know why I'm writing this but honestly I just wanted to scream it to the world