Growing and suddenly realising you were bullied is so weird.

Like what do you mean friends don't pick on one thing you said once and then threaten you that they will tell the teachers about it even tho they said somethings too because we collectively agreed to insult each other as a fun joke and game ( but it's 3 against 1 so doesn't matter) and then make you do allllll thier work from homework to filling waterbottle and what not?

Is this not how friends work?!

ARGHHHHH

I don't know why i am so negative 😭

And yet again...i have come to the conclusion of me faking everything for attention 🥀🥀🥀

L E T . M E . I N

ヾ(๑╹◡╹)ﾉ🔪

Bruhhhhhhhhh, someone pleaseeeeee put me on permanent rest. I clearly can't even handle existing anymore 🥀🥀🥀

First of all, my hair was till my shoulder and i was feeling pretty About it. I knew my grandparents are gonna take thier time with the hair cut saying " maybe next day" and definitely " why do you wanna cut your hair. You are a girl, be like one" blah blah blah. Apparently overhwhelmed me isn't that paitent so i picked up a knife and chop chop chop after Literally just one tutorial. I didn't even look at that properly cause i was like " fuck it, i will freestyle it". I don't think it looks horrible but it's very uneven and i have to get out of my house go to class daily...so good luck to me dealing with people with this hair.

TW: mention of sh, sa etc (but only very mildly)

Second, even tho i feel less overwhelmed now, i feel like absolutely shit. Because i don't want to cut my hair. I want it to grow, i want to look more feminine. I mean i would choose >!sh!< over cutting my hair because atleast that doesn't feel like completely ripping out all my progress. But being more feminine makes me feel like i am asking for it again. And that is suchhhhh a fucked up thing to think. I mean i know male victim of sa exist but maybe there was the slightesttttttttttttttttt of chance that it wouldn't have happened at all if i was of the opposite gender.

I hate feeling that my truama makes me want to be a man when I know for a damn fact that every part of me wants be a girl.

(I was once considering a binder because of how much i was overwhelmed by my chest lol)

My grandmother have a role in this too obv. She was the one who found that article and Made my grandfather read it and then my grandfather made me read it and literally was like 'with how much time you spend on uour phone, ths is basically future you'. I didn't say anything...cause... What can i even say? You really think if i wanted to do something behind your back, you will ever be able to find about it? But i don't. I don't do anything behind your back. Always been the 'good kid' and this is how he talks to me because apparently i am not performing upto his expections in academics. I know i xan do better but goodness gracious, old man... Fucking hesitate before telling stuffs like this to your 18 yo granddaughter....

And i will be the last person to want sex. I have been raped more times than you can count on Fingers. So shut it (even if you don't know about that)

Its been three days. I don't remember anything that have happened in thses 3 days except for the fact that i had to be around my rapist for some reason. I DON'T FEEL REAL ANYMORE lol. I am in a horribleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee state.

Ahem- nevermind... I should just go. I am in no condition to be talking to humans. I will just talk to that Weird figure in the dark. He looks veryyyy friendly