Overwhelmed and need parenting advice
Hey Daddit, been awhile! I have a situation that I really don’t know how to handle. My wife and I have talked about it and are sitting on everything right now, but I’m honestly just all over the place with this and could really use some guidance.
To start, I apologize for the long read, but this is a LOT of information to get the full story. I have 3 children, but this is regarding my oldest, my 13yo stepdaughter, who we’ll call “Penny.” I’ve known Penny since she was 7 and have been in her life ever since. I’m even “Dad” in her phone :’). When I first started dating her mom, she was a wild child, biting, kicking, spoiled rotten by grandparents, etc. There was a lot of work that needed to be done. After years and years of hard work, consequences, talks, and just trying to facilitate her growth, I am honestly so proud of who she has become. A lot of times it feels like it’s one step forward in one category and two steps back in another, but she really is doing much better. She actually cares about school now, whereas in previous years she was failing. Her responsibilities have grown, she keeps her room clean, and she’s capable of doing things that I honestly didn’t think she would be capable of if you asked me 5 years ago.
It’s been long overdue, but we recently got her into therapy and had behavioral testing done because there were certain characteristics that never really seemed to fade.. consistent lying, anger/emotional regulation problems, and not being able to problem solve at a level we feel she should be at for her age. She was diagnosed with ADHD, and we’re continuing therapy to hopefully work through some of these things. There are also things from her upbringing that we can’t change, and I think therapy could really benefit her in that regard as well. My wife agrees.
So you might be thinking, “Okay, OP, what’s the problem?”
Penny got grounded from her phone after letting a grade slip below our predetermined rules. While she was grounded, my wife went through her phone, as she normally does, and found video evidence that Penny has been physically fighting other kids in multiple settings. I was out of the house at the time, so when I got home I checked it myself. Sure as crap, there is a video of my daughter fighting another girl in the middle of a “movie room” at a friend’s sleepover. A sleepover THAT I DROVE HER TO. It’s basically one of those WorldStar fight videos you scroll past on Twitter. Kids all around the room screaming, hollering, and recording. There are multiple videos of other kids fighting each other and pictures afterward with black eyes. Some of them seem to be fully egged on by everybody there and are almost treated like “boxing matches.” I mean, I was a kid too. I roughhoused. I understand kids doing stupid shit. But these are full on fights. Then there’s another fight where it seems my daughter and another girl were arguing at the different party and it escalated into physical fighting.
And the kicker? The kid hosting the sleepover (let’s call her Ellie) is probably the most polite, non-suspicious, respectful kid Penny is friends with. Straight A student type of kid. She’s in the videos like the damn ring leader with her sister.
So I go through every text, video, and photo I can find, and I discover WAY more than just the fighting. I honestly thought the phone was being checked more thoroughly. My wife is a little tech-illiterate, so I’m not blaming her, but I’m also absolutely taking responsibility for not regulating/checking it more myself. I should have known better.
And now I have this entire list of things that my wife and I have to figure out how to address. Penny is still grounded, so nothing has really changed for her yet. We’ve decided to sit on everything for a little bit before confronting her because we don’t want to go into this angry and make things worse.
Here’s what I found:
-Three separate video instances of her physically fighting other kids.
-Messaging “Ellie’s iPad” and deleting messages. Through other friends’ messages, it became pretty obvious this was actually a boyfriend we didn’t know about. He tried coaxing Penny into sending sexual images, which she refused. They then broke up and exchanged some absolutely heinous 13yo insults, including comments about wanting my wife to die and my youngest daughter to be tortured.
-Looking up porn through Reddit on Safari. She thought she deleted it but did a crap job. Honestly, the porn itself is probably the least concerning thing here, and my wife can handle having that conversation with her.
-Breaking into a friend’s house with several other kids. The mom came home early, and apparently the friend who lived there told everyone to “run out and don’t make eye contact.”
And that’s where we’re at. I feel ashamed, stupid, and helpless. This feels like one step forward and twenty steps backward. At least her schooling is good right? 😭 I genuinely don’t know what the appropriate response to all of this is. Do I just turn this kid Amish? Ban friends altogether? Throw the phone in the garbage? Ground her until she’s 30? Do I tell the parents about the fighting? Do I “rat out” the 4 out of 6 kids I can identify from the videos? Do I contact the school? There is just SO MUCH to unpack. I know there are normal teenage things mixed into this. I know we’re going to have to have conversations about online safety, relationships, sex, pornography, peer pressure, etc. I also know we’re going to have to heavily monitor everything from here on out if it's even given back. But the fighting, the lying, sneaking around, breaking into someone’s house, secretly dating, the hateful messages, and the general level of shit she has gotten herself involved in has us completely overwhelmed.
I know my wife and I messed up too. We should have been monitoring things better, 1000%. I’m not looking for someone to tell me we’re perfect parents, because we’re obviously not. I just really need some guidance on how to handle without going nuclear and potentially making things worse. What would you do if this were your kid? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.