u/Multiple-Bagels

Thanks, I had no choice.

Of course I could have wallowed in misery, but no. That was not an option. I had to survive.

It’s not as much of compliment as people think, they obviously mean well, but that’s not a victory my our end.

Can I be proud of myself despite all of this? Yes. But I hate it happened at all.

I know it’s not my life. It’s not part of my personality (even though I’ve made it such, I hate that I did because my god I bring it up almost all the time), it’s not a representation of who I am.

Yet, it is my life. I can’t exactly ignore it, as much as I want to. Taking meds every day and occasionally checking for medication interactions isn’t unique to epileptics, I know. But for almost 22 years of my life (I was 21. Got diagnosed early December, a month before my early January birthday. I consider it almost 22) it wasn’t something I had to do.

I used to be so well-spoken. I used to be so fluent. I never had an issue with damn near anything involving my vocabulary.

Onfi fucked it all up. I cannot remember anything. Short term memory? Fucked. SIMPLE word recall? Fucked. I look like a bumbling idiot trying to describe anything. I have to use an online thesaurus to find what I’m looking for. I never had to do that before Onfi.

I can’t stop taking it as of now, but my neurologist says that after a few years or so, it will be dropped. And I don’t hope for that to be the case, I need for that to be the case (“Hope” no longer exists in my vocabulary).

https://www.dartmouth-hitchcock.org/hobscotch-institute

(Really wish you could embed links but yk screw me ig)

I’m livid because I cannot remember the name of the person who made it, I can only see that they aptly named the playlist “Game Grumps Playthroughs”.

I was wondering if anyone listened/watch their stuff too and noticed its sudden disappearance? I want to believe it’s something on my end, but I fear that may not be the case 😢

This isn’t so much of a rant, it’s more of an observation.

So yeah, had a seizure back in December and on the 15th I was cleared to drive (technically I could have driven anyway since my state whether I or my neuro tells the DMV isn’t required, but we run on the honor system).

Howeverrrrrrr since I’ve gotten that freedom back, my legs, calves specifically got all heavy on me after a day of driving nearly an hour (30 minute round trip to work and a 26 minute round trip from this local lecture I went to).

I had completely forgotten this aspect of reacquainting myself with driving, since yk, going two years seizure free and driving consistently wasn’t an issue.

It’s def a 50/50 between getting my “car legs” back and trying to find the right distance between my seat and the pedals, your girl is 4’11 so yeah 😅

Idk if this is just a me thing, but whenever someone who is non-epileptic gets stressed out or overwhelmed, my brain immediately goes to: “Oh my god I have to back off, they’re going to have a seizure and it’s going to be my fault.”

My brain thinks that just because I have it, it means everyone around me has it too even though that’s…so not a case.

Along with the sudden, unpleasant thought of, “What if this person randomly has a seizure? Will I freeze up?” Like, girl, try to remove that trauma from your head every once in a while.

Disclaimer: I know anyone can have one, and PNES is a very real thing, but this was more of a general statement/question.

Edit: My two brothers had seizures when they were younger, so it’s just hyper-vigilance. Cool. 🙃

“Just keep applying” What do you think I’m doing?

“You have to start networking” I don’t know people who know people.

“Go to job fairs” There’s nothing of interest there (As in nothing related to my degree, it’s been mainly IT)

Can’t even get responses from Panera or Petsmart, or things I think I’m qualified for. Companies shouldn’t even bother putting up job listings if they’re just going to say no or straight ghost us.

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Edit: I should have mentioned they’re Gen X, so they’re not out of touch like Boomers are. Just incredibly infuriating.

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Edit pt.2: There’s been a week long argument about job stuff between the three of us.

It doesn’t help that I can’t drive because of a seizure I had in December (I can drive again on the 15th, my state says I have to go 6 months seizure free before I can drive again), and my current part time job has me working from 5-10AM.

So said parents have to wake up at 4 to drive me to work, I’ve been feeling like a huge burden, but that’s going to be resolved soon (not soon enough though).

I’m 25! I have an AS and a BA (Environmental Science)! This is beyond aggravating.

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Edit pt.3: Getting rid of the caps, and a bit of clarification on the job fairs. Thank you to those who offered up some solid advice and those who were able to relate. Who knows when this will get better, but giving up isn’t an option. I know I certainly can’t afford to.