u/Mundane_Patient_7115

it is always so embarrassing. others will cry for understandable reasons. something horrible happened, they are frustrated, or even just so sad for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with me. but i see them cry and be sad and i get so overly sympathetic that i have to stop myself from crying and it's so unbearable. i usually fail. it's like i'm making their sadness about myself. i'm not trying to, it's just. idk. i am not equipped to help people with grief or sadness. i want to help people like this but unfortunately i don't know how to get myself together.

it's crazy bc i felt both huge and bony at the same time. at times it hurt a ton when the masseuse went over bony parts of my body, especially with her elbow. yet i felt huge as soon as she got to the more fleshy parts. i would say it was still a net positive experience for me, granted i try not to let my ED ruin stuff like that for me. if i did, i would be more miserable than i am now. Truthfully a lot of it is unhealthy compartmentalizing. But it is what it is.

and honestly it isn't to look bigger or muscular. i have a ton of flab despite being in the crossroads of nw and uw and i just figured I'd rather have a rock in there than a marshmallow. also I've seen images of ppl with muscle vs without and they look thin without actual significant weight loss.

i know there's body recomp and I've been looking into it. i just don't know if it's realistic to eat at maintenance while being my weight and not gain. like yeah on paper nothing should happen. but in practice??? idk. i know you can't starve yourself. But it's just what i do when i see a scary number on the scale. i'm not sure what to do, bc i don't want to have to gain weight but i also hate my body and i need to change it

i joined this community on my old Reddit account around late 2023 to early 2024 (back when it was around 700 members) specifically bc i felt gaslit by everyone with regards to her ED. everyone around me wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong with her and to believe that stupid fucking tiktok she made saying she was healthier now than she was in TUN era. and as spmeone with an ED, I've noticed the ED behavior for years at that point and could clearly see signs of relapse during her asian fishing era. it genuinely felt like everyone around me wanted me to think i was the crazy one.

now it's crazy that everyone is switching up. it's making me roll my eyes hard. 1-2 years ago if i even said "I'm worried about ariana, i hope she gets better" everyone would act like i murdered their grandma. and you know what else makes me crazy? now that it's undeniable, her fans will log on and say "well it's not her responsibility to not have an ED. who cares about the young girls looking up to her, she's not responsible for them. she's not promoting anything" and it is making me bang my head against a wall. it became her responsibility the minute she referred to her sick body as "healthy". don't play with me like that. it's why i don't dislike other celebs with EDs.

this is a case of "i fucking told you so" but i don't feel vindicated. it feels wrong to feel that way when someone's life is on the line. and the way people are handling it now just makes me mad. i need them to stop pretending they care about ariana or anyone with an ED. they don't. people happy to engage in the macabre of all of this if it means they can pretend nothing is wrong.

i feel like I'm in plato's cave allegory, like I'm the one guy that escaped the chains in the cave years ago and everyone else is still chained up. and even though i explain reality to those chained up, they refuse to believe me. except when everyone eventually breaks out of it, the world's gone to shit.

did we ever get solid insight to how mimi feels about ariana and why? i know she liked a post awhile back about how the actresses didn't eat anything on the set of wicked and she also commented under one of maika's photos. i always got the feeling that mimi did not like working with her toward the end of her time styling ariana, especially since ariana's horrible taste and control over her own styling wrecked mimi's reputation. but idk if i missed anything like other posts she liked or if said anything shady besides what i mentioned.