u/MusclePy5967

Mba or bkt

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I don't even know where to start, and honestly, my mind is completely all over the place right now. I was born in 2004, and looking back at my 22 years of life, I genuinely cannot remember a time when I felt safe, happy, or at peace, except for a tiny glimpse of my childhood before 2015. My entire existence has been shaped by fear, humiliation, abuse, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I am writing this because the silence inside my head is becoming too heavy to carry anymore. I feel like an absolute, total failure in every single aspect of life, and I just needed to put this out somewhere because I have nobody in the real world to talk to.

Growing up, my house was never a home. It was a war zone. Ever since I was a little kid, all I saw was toxic, screaming fights between my parents. They would yell at each other for hours over everything. When you are a small child, your parents are supposed to be your safe space, but for me, they were the source of constant terror. I remember hiding in corners, covering my ears, and crying, wishing they would just stop. One day, things went completely out of hand and the fight became brutally violent and physical. I saw the violence with my own eyes. I was just a little kid, completely defenseless, and watching that absolute chaos destroyed something inside me. It left me permanently terrified, always walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosion.

On top of the nightmare at home, the world outside was just as cruel. From a very young age, my own relatives and the people living around us started color-shaming me. I happen to have a darker skin tone, and in our society, people treat that like a crime or a curse. My own family members and neighbors would constantly call me derogatory, hurtful names like "kaal kalwa" right to my face. They laughed about it like it was a joke, but to a small child who doesn't understand the world, it was soul-crushing. Every single day, I was reminded that I was ugly, that I was lesser than others, and that my skin made me dirty. They completely destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence before I could even grow up and understand who I was. I started hating my own reflection in the mirror before I even hit puberty.

But the worst was yet to come. In 2013, when I was around 9 years old, something unspeakable happened that left a permanent scar on my soul. We had a tenant living in our house. He seemed normal to everyone else, but he targeted me. He would call me over to his room on the pretext of playing games on his mobile phone. Back then, having a phone to play games on was a big deal for a kid, so I would go. Once I was inside, he would tell me to lie face down on the bed. Then, he would lie directly on top of me and do things. It happened multiple times. I was so innocent and small that I didn't even understand what sexual abuse was. I didn't know what he was doing to me, but my body and mind felt an intense sense of wrongness, shame, and suffocating fear. After he was done, I would carry this heavy, unexplainable guilt inside me. For years, I blamed myself. The shame of that abuse settled deep into my bones, and I’ve never been able to wash it off.

It felt like the universe had decided I didn't deserve kindness from anyone. Whenever I tried to escape my house to go play with my cousins at my relative’s place, their mother—my own aunt—would literally scream at me the moment she saw me. She would yell, "Why do you keep coming here again and again? Go back!" It made me feel like an unwanted stray animal. Later on, those same cousins started going to a tuition class. I wanted to study and be a part of something, so I joined the same class. But my aunt couldn't tolerate even that. She literally went to the tuition teacher behind my back and told him, "I will pay you extra money, but please don't teach this boy here. Just don't let him study with my kids." Imagine finding out that your own blood relative is willing to pay extra money just to isolate you and ruin your education. It made me feel completely subhuman.

That same year, 2013, the neighborhood wasn't safe either. There was an older guy who used to bully me constantly because he knew I was quiet and couldn't defend myself. One day, I got so upset and frustrated that I muttered a small insult back at him, calling him a donkey ("ghadha"). The reaction was horrifying. He lost his mind, lunged at me, grabbed my neck with his bare hands, and started choking me. I couldn't breathe at all. For 10 to 15 seconds, everything went black and I was literally suffocating to death. If an adult hadn't walked by and stopped him at that exact moment, I would have died right there on the street at 9 years old. Nobody cared, nobody punished him, and I was just left there, gasping for air, realizing my life meant absolutely nothing to anyone.

When I started school, I thought maybe things would be different, but school became an extension of the same torture. The bullying was endless. I was always the awkward, quiet kid with no confidence, which made me an easy target. I vividly remember a girl in my class going up to the only kid who used to talk to me and telling him that all the girls in the class had made a collective decision that nobody should ever talk to me. I was completely blacklisted and isolated. Even my own older cousin sister, who went to the same school, was deeply ashamed of me. If I ever tried to talk to her in public or say hello when she was around her friends, she would look at me with disgust and act like being associated with me would completely ruin her reputation. I was treated like a disease.

By the time I reached the 11th and 12th standards, my anxiety was skyrocketing. In the 11th standard, at a tuition class, the male teacher would purposely pick on me and make fun of my awkwardness in front of all the girls, just to make them laugh and look cool. I would just stand there, burning with embarrassment, unable to say a single word to defend myself. Then in the 12th standard, during my practical viva exams, my nerves completely failed me. I got so nervous that I messed up my answers. Instead of guiding me, the principal mocked me brutally in front of the entire external panel and my peers. The whole class burst out laughing at me. I felt like dying right there on the spot. There was also other physical abuse during my teenage years that I am still too uncomfortable and traumatized to even type out here, but it completely broke whatever was left of my spirit.

Because of this non-stop bombardment of trauma, abuse, and rejection, I developed severe, crippling social anxiety. It controls my entire body. In 2021, I went to a relative's house for a gathering. Suddenly, I needed to use the washroom very urgently. The bathroom door was right there in front of me, just a few steps away. But my anxiety was so severe, and my fear of speaking up or attracting attention was so intense, that my brain completely locked up. I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and ask them if I could use it. I honestly thought I could just hold it in until I got back home, but my body couldn't take it anymore and failed. I ended up ruining my pants right there. At that exact moment, I felt like the most pathetic, dirty, and broken creature on earth. The sheer humiliation I felt within myself is something I can never forget.

Now, fast forward to today, my anxiety has completely paralyzed my life. If any guest or relative comes to visit my house, a wave of panic hits me. I literally run away and lock myself inside the dark bathroom, sitting there silently for hours until I hear them leave. I cannot talk to people normally anymore. I have never talked to girls because whenever I am around them, I get so overwhelmed that I end up acting incredibly weird, shaky, and awkward, which makes them avoid me even more.

When our extended family meets up for functions, it’s the same old story. All my cousins sit together, talking, sharing jokes, and laughing. But the moment I am around, they completely ignore me, look through me like I'm invisible, or treat me like a total idiot. I recently found out that they actually have a private group chat on WhatsApp where every single cousin from the family is added—except for me. It might sound like a small, petty thing to someone else, but to me, it was just another confirmation that I am completely unwanted, even by my own blood. It hurts so deeply.

I have zero social life. I barely ever step out of my room. When it was time for college, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even dream of leaving my city to go to a good university. I just stayed back and graduated from a small, local college here just to get a degree. Currently, I am 22 years old, completely unemployed, sitting in my room, and doing absolutely nothing with my life. When I look at myself, all I see is a blank slate. I have no practical knowledge, no professional skills, no network, and absolutely no future. The emptiness inside my chest gets so heavy, especially at night, that I just stare at the ceiling and feel like it would be so much better if I just died. At least the pain would stop.

The only time in my entire existence when I felt a tiny bit of happiness was before 2015. We used to live in our old childhood house back then. I actually had a few friends there, we used to play outside in the evenings, and those first 11 years of my life were the only good days I ever experienced. But in 2015, my parents decided to shift to a new house, and our old house was completely demolished and rebuilt for my uncle. I don't even have a single photo or video of that old house to look back on. If someone came to me today and gave me a choice between a luxury, multi-million dollar mansion or that old, broken childhood house, I would choose my old house in a heartbeat without thinking twice. But I know it's gone forever, and so is my happiness.

I have a deep love for animals. I genuinely care about them, and I’ve always had a nature where I want to help anyone who is in need or pain. But people have always looked at my kindness as a weakness. They took advantage of my helpful nature, used me, and then betrayed me without a second thought. There was a girl I trusted deeply as a true friend, someone I thought actually cared, but she ended up betraying me too, which completely shattered my ability to trust anyone ever again.

To escape this overwhelming depression, loneliness, and the dark thoughts in my head, I fell into a severe addiction to porn and masturbation. It’s the only thing that gives my brain a temporary escape from reality for a few minutes. But the moment it's over, the temporary relief turns into an even deeper ocean of guilt, disgust, and self-loathing. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves me feeling more broken every single day.

I am so sorry if this post is extremely long and messy, but I just couldn't carry this suffocating silence anymore. I needed to get everything out of my system because keeping it inside was killing me. I just feel like a total, irreversible failure. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

“I’m 22 years old and I feel completely uneducated. I don’t even have basic knowledge about many things. I feel like a villager who doesn’t know how the world works. I think I’m ruining my life and I don’t know what to do now. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you improve yourself and start learning from zero