u/Muzer11

My partner (35M) and I (31F) have been together for 2.5 years.

For the first two years of our relationship, we were polyamorous. A few months ago, I ended my long-term relationship with another partner, and afterward I found myself unable to cope with the difficult emotions that polyamory was bringing up. It was simply too much for my nervous system at that point in my life. My partner agreed to pause polyamory so we could focus on our relationship and my healing. I mention this because I think it explains why I feel this community might better understand our relationship dynamics.

This issue isn't actually about polyamory, but I first posted it in r/relationship_advice and a lot of the responses focused on calling my partner controlling. I don't think that's a fair characterization. We make intentional agreements together, and I'm looking for perspectives on repair after breaking an agreement—not whether agreements themselves are inherently controlling.

One agreement we have is that when we're not sleeping together, we text each other goodnight before 10:30 p.m. It's important to him because it helps him feel considered and gives him peace of mind before bed.

This week, I forgot and ended up texting after 10:30 on multiple occasions. I completely understand why he's disappointed. I've apologized profusely, tried setting an alarm on my phone (which I unfortunately didn't hear because I was in a loud space), and, at his suggestion, bought a smartwatch this morning so the alarm will be visible on my wrist and hopefully prevent this from happening again.

Despite apologizing and taking concrete steps to prevent it from happening again, he also wants me to come up with "creative" ways to make amends that are directly related to the mistake itself (rather than something generic like flowers).

I'm genuinely willing to repair the rupture, but I'm struggling to come up with ideas. He says it's really important to him that the ideas come from me, because that's what demonstrates that I'm taking the agreement seriously. He's okay with me asking for input here on Reddit, but he doesn't want to be the one telling me what he wants me to do. I'm finding that difficult, and I'm not sure what meaningful repair looks like beyond a sincere apology and taking concrete steps to prevent it from happening again.

For those of you who intentionally negotiate agreements in your relationships, how do you approach repair when one person breaks an agreement? Any ideas for this situation specifically?

My partner (35M) and I (31F) have been together for 2.5 years and live separately.

We have an agreement that when we're not spending the night together, we text each other goodnight before 10:30 p.m. It's something that's important to him because it helps him feel considered and gives him peace of mind before bed.

This week, I forgot and ended up texting after 10:30 on multiple occasions. I completely understand why he's disappointed, and I've already apologized profusely. I also tried setting an alarm on my phone, but I didn't hear it since I was in a loud space. At his suggestion, I went out and bought a smartwatch so the alarm will vibrate on my wrist and hopefully prevent this from happening again.

The part I'm struggling with is that he wants me to come up with "creative" ways to make amends that are directly related to the mistake itself (so not buying flowers or a generic apology). He says it's important that I show effort and demonstrate that I take the agreement seriously.

I'm happy to repair things, but I'm honestly at a loss for what would be appropriate.

How would you approach this conversation? If you've been in either position, what kinds of repairs actually helped rebuild trust without feeling performative?