u/MyWORDmakeitstop

*Burner account

I (25F) recently found out that my partner (25M, not dx) may have ADHD. Looking back, a lot of the symptoms seem pretty obvious now, and it explains why we've run into the same issues over and over again. Things have started to make a little more sense.

He's found a new therapist, met with his primary care doctor for a recommendation, and is going through all the proper steps. He still has to see a psychiatrist for a final diagnosis, and I genuinely appreciate that he's taking this seriously and seeking help.That said, it almost feels like he's been leaning into it since finding out he may have ADHD. His attention span seems even worse than before.

I've told him many times that this relationship has been really hard and emotionally draining for me at times. I feel like I've always been the one trying to save us. I'm naturally empathetic, but I'm exhausted from constantly holding his hand and guiding him through what needs to be done. I've spent a lot of time researching how to be a better partner to someone with ADHD, but it doesn't feel like he's putting the same effort into understanding how his behaviors affect me or what it's like to be the partner of someone with ADHD.

I recently told him that it feels like every issue turns into three separate battles.

The first battle is the actual issue. Tonight, for example, it was him being on his phone instead of being present during our conversation. The second battle is trying to point it out in the moment. More often than not, he becomes defensive before he finally stops what he's doing. The third battle is trying not to shut down while explaining how it all makes me feel, only for him to become defensive again.

This is all new, and I know it's a lot for both of us. I don't intend to leave him, but it feels like he can't really hear what I'm saying because he's so focused on how much he's trying and how much he feels he's improving. I can absolutely acknowledge the progress he's made, but it doesn't seem like he can acknowledge the areas where he still hasn't improved. Some of these issues existed long before ADHD was ever on our radar, and they're still happening today.Whenever we talk about it, he ends up breaking down emotionally, and it feels like the conversation shifts away from what I'm feeling and becomes about him.

Should I just be patient? Is this a normal part of the process, or is there something we're missing?

Good morning! I hope this is the right place to post. Using a burner account.

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My boyfriend and I are both 25 years old. We just moved in with each other a few months ago, maybe 3? And we have been dating for 3 years. Since moving in with each other, we have had more issues than usual. Our sex life is non-existent, and I'm getting to see sides of him I hadn't before. Every problem we've had thus far has been 100% his fault. I promise I'm not exaggerating. He even agrees. He's occasionally started seeing a therapist, but he gets complacent. We've mostly (I) have come to the conclusion that he's only really motivated by negative reinforcement. i.e., me threatening to leave, break-up, emotional breakdowns, etc.

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Now, we've found ourselves at another crossroads. He decided he to lie and be sneaky and got caught. I dont want to explain, but it was not along the lines of cheating. I've tried everything. I'm religious. I've brought him to God. Used love and positive reinforcement, suggested therapy. He sticks with it and then gets complacent. As a whole, I'm an amazing girlfriend. I cook, clean, iron his clothes, make his breakfast all while still working, and even sometimes paying for and providing for us. I'm pretty. I have a nice shape. I get hit on all the time, even in front of him. I say this to say I know my worth, and i know i could do better than him. I know it sounds like I should leave him.

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But heres the thing. I come from a mom who used men to her advantage. She's always advised me to get with a provider. Even going as far as to say it doesn't matter if you love a man as long as he can provide for you. I never agreed and always got with men I loved even if they couldn't provide.My boyfriend is a provider, AND I love him. He is obsessed with me and would do almost anything I say. He is loyal and, for lack of a better word, mostly obedient. The issues he has now stems from a lack of unresolved trauma, honestly, but it's nothing i couldn't handle. Our personalites mesh well, and we have a good balance and many shared interests. I wouldn't be with him otherwise. But rn I've been given another opportunity to leave him or use this situation to my advantage. During my time with him, I have been able to stack money save and better myself. He says he'd be willing to do anything to fix this, and after consideration, I think it would be better to stay with him and use the situation to my advantage.

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So, a long explanation short, how can I navigate continuing this relationship knowing I do still love him but using his mistake to my financial advantage?

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***And I can see the comments now. Im not a gold digger. I loved him before he could provide. I pour into him just as much, if not more. My motto for him is, "If you take care of me, I'll take care of you." And I've shown that, and that's why he doesn't want to lose me. I'm just at a point, and I'm playing the long game. He checks most boxes for what I want in a future partner, and his career trajectory is enough to provide the life I would want for myself and my kids (if I have any). And yes, I could find another guy like this, but I care about him, and it won't guarantee the devotion he has.

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Tldr: Boyfriend messed up. Yet his is overall a good partner. He wants to make it up to me and revamp our whole relationship. How can I use this to my financial gain?

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*Burner account* Boyfriend did something sneaky behind my back. I'd rather not say what, but I'm open to DMs to explain. I would like to see if he will lie about it, but I need a route I could take to do so.

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Without going into detail, he did something behind my back we both agreed no to. I have been holding up that agreement. I found physical evidence that he is not. I respect him enough not to wake him up because he has work early in the morning. I'm trying my best not to make it obvious that I know. But he purposely waited until I was away from home to do this thing. I want to see if he will lie. How can I bring it up without saying it directly. I hid the evidence because I figured he'd try to hide it once I asked.

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TLDR: Bf did something behind my back. How can I bring it up without mentioning he left evidence.

On a burner account. I got a sew-in the other day. It looked beautiful, and when my stylist finished, the pain was tolerable. However, once I got home, it started hurting so badly that I had to take two ibuprofen. When that didn't help, I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't, so I took two melatonin.Eventually, I fell asleep, but something woke me up in the middle of the night, and all the pain hit at once. It became so unbearable that, while still half asleep, I dragged myself out of bed and started cutting out parts of the sew-in. That brought some relief. Now, today, I mildly regret doing that because I messed up the style. I tried using bobby pins to put everything back in place, but I didn't do a great job. I'm upset because I spent money on this hairstyle, ended up having to take part of it down because of the pain, and now it doesn't look as good as it did originally.I don't know if my stylist will be willing to fix it, should I ask? Is there a way I can fix it myself? I really need some kind of remedy.😭😭😭

(For the record, it's still mostly in I just cut the front and sides). It's gotten better, but still aches.

On a burner account. I got a sew-in the other day. It looked beautiful, and when my stylist finished, the pain was tolerable. However, once I got home, it started hurting so badly that I had to take two ibuprofen. When that didn't help, I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't, so I took two melatonin.Eventually, I fell asleep, but something woke me up in the middle of the night, and all the pain hit at once. It became so unbearable that, while still half asleep, I dragged myself out of bed and started cutting out parts of the sew-in. That brought some relief. Now, today, I mildly regret doing that because I messed up the style. I tried using bobby pins to put everything back in place, but I didn't do a great job. I'm upset because I spent money on this hairstyle, ended up having to take part of it down because of the pain, and now it doesn't look as good as it did originally.I don't know if my stylist will be willing to fix it. Should I ask? I'm embarrassed to tell her I cut it, but I really need some kind of remedy.😭😭😭

(For the record, it's still mostly in Ijust cut the front and sides). It's gotten better, but still hurts.