u/Mynamesjd

They thought this was Marsh Fleabane. Oh, that's funny, 'cause that's fucking funny, bitch. It's fucking Sweet fucking Scent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck 4th of July.

Some people drink coffee from invasive countries like Africa and Asia. Not me. I’m better than them and I can prove it. Here is a Native coffee berry that I not only grow but consume. 100x better than “invasive” coffee and actually heals your gut and is full of protein. Mother Nature always provides the real deal.

How have you shamed a “coffee” drinker today?

So I’m reading a native plant book on a plane to make sure people know I’m better than them. I see this graph and it says native plants have peduncles?! wtf is that?! There’s no way our natives would have something that sounds like a pen*s. I’m trying to keep my cool on this flight as I’m the only native expert but this seems gross and wrong.

Should I speak to the captain?

What gives? It has mullein in the name but maybe this one is the invasive kind? Not sure but I feel misled. Saw this in the wild but might bring my travel glyphosate next time I'm on this trail.

Anyways, don't advise, didn't cure my smoke induced asthma. Felt zero native spirits when I torched it. 0/10.

As Native Plant enthusiasts we often times get asked how to encourage our friends and family (that still speak to us) about Native Plants and their benefits. Fear not courageous reader, I have created a guide that should give you a quick start to influencing your friends and family.

Step one: Conquering your fear of yelling in public

More often than not you will be required to yell at strangers admiring hostas and non native trees in public spaces. This will be a near daily requirement for you so please get used to it early. Do you see a small child admiring a Chinese wisteria in your neighborhood? Well that child is most likely an agent disguised to destroy your native ecosystem, use your air horn to draw attention to them and scream loudly about Chinese vs American wisteria. In doing so, you will not only be a hero to the neighborhood but also to mother earth.

After you've incapacitated the eco-threat, you can forcefully remove the invasive plant and put in a lovely deer grass instead. This is YOUR land too and the homeowner is irresponsible. And guess what, you're probably not afraid to yell in public anymore now huh? It's win win and your friends will be impressed.

Step Two: Keep that thang on ya baby

Daily you will find yourself in situations that require not only the removal of invasive plants (which are all non native plants to your zip code) but also adding in new life. This is why we suggest always carrying around a 24 inch machete and at least 2 plugs of a native grass or sedge on you. While you may not find those plants the most interesting to look at, mother earth made them for a reason and you will burn in hell (home depot plant section) if you don't start enjoying them. A perfect example is walking to the courthouse for your trespassing charges and see a Queen Palm tree. Now, you know that there is only one palm native to your region and sure ain't the Queen Palm! Pull out your trusted Machete and go to town, this is your right and they can't stop you. Plant the sedge next to the stump and you win. Gaia be praised.

Now who looks like a trailblazing superstar to their friends and family now? You do, they won't mind posting bail for you again after seeing your dedicated spirit and lust for native life.

Step Three: Why you don't actually need friends

At a certain point your love of native plants will be at odds with your friends and family values. They may say things like, why do you keep getting arrested for plants or this feels like an unhealthy obsession and at odds with the mission you started. Well, don't let those earbugs stay for too long because at a certain point it might sound sensible to you, but I can assure you dear reader they are not!

What you have to realize is that native plants and the ability to plant and tell others about them is the only thing that keeps life worth living and makes you feel important. Without this you'd have to go back to that office job and earn a paycheck printed on non native tree paper. And let's not forget the child support payments the government will force you to start again! All of these issues are more than enough to never return to polite society. Friends and family are the roadblocks to defeating Bradford Pears.

In Conclusion

This is just the beginners guide and the quickstart version of that. I wanted to give you all a template to engaging with your friends and family that is natural and easy to do. Please use this at your disposal. If you'd like to purchase the longer version you can DM me and all proceeds go to my legal fees. Please don't use my real name for any payments as I don't want the man to know I didn't flee to Brazil (I tried but they have zero native plants there).

As a native empath and healer I feel it's my duty to inform people that the latin names of plants are a sign of colonialism and if you use them you belong in hell. The other day I was looking at a gorgeous California Lilac and as I was grabbing strangers to force them to admire it with me, one said "Yeah it's a great looking Ceanothus".

"I'm sorry, excuse me?" I said politely with my fist raised. He backed away and pulled out his phone (evil) to film me (illegal) while running away.

As he was running away I screamed to anyone who could hear (and it was quite a few people at this point) that using latin names only enforces their colonized past and they will literally not grow or heal your gut microbiome if you do that. I said Ceanothus once in my backyard oasis shrine to Gaia and she punished me by making my datura enemas give me visions of my own death and that of the universe. I still have not recovered.

I wanted to say this as a warning for my fellow native plant lovers that we have to only use the native language of English when we discuss plants native to our region. If you're in a non english speaking region then you don't have any native plants - so this does not apply to you.

Thank you for reading this and following these rules. If you have any questions you can consult your local empath healer that does not use deodorant (satanic).

Attached is a photo of my aviary spirit protector that revealed this truth to me with Gaias help.