u/NOVUS_AVGVSTVS

I used to think I was Ni, but I've been thinking more that I'm more Fi-dom since I've been doing more research about the hero-child loop

Childhood/elementary years(6-13)

- I was heavily obsessed with paleontology and dinosaurs

-I used to draw a lot on the walls which always relates to dinosaurs or destruction

-I would hide my interest in dinosaurs because It kind of made me cringe.

- I would be "the funny guy" at the group, my humor is layered with layers of Irony or just provocative.

- I was some what a people pleaser I kid of liked it back, but I didn't like getting much compliments, it did motivate me at times but I felt like people were pitying me rather than actually meaning it, or I just felt like a pseud. Sometimes I felt like I needed to do it/help them since I was pressured to.

-I had an obsession with the number 5, most of the things I'd do would be in 5s or related to fives(I have OCD and I have the need to do things 5 times)

-I tried to repress "deep thoughts" because I felt cringe.

-I cried when important people left me alone

-I was deeply religious back then

-I was a bit gullible too(I still am at times, and I'd feel really stupid)

-music kind of irked me since I found it kind of too "emotional"

-I'd try to stand up for friends.

-I didn't really like sharing many of my interests with anyone else back then, I'd be embarrassed if someone mentions my interests in dinosaurs.

-I hold on to many things, especially my baby blanket(it disappeared when I was around 12 or 13) It was kind of like my best friend. I still hope I do find it one day, but It's not really on my mind much anymore.

-I sympathized a lot with controversial people, I viewed them as people who fought for something greater than themselves and are willing to achieve it no matter the cost. (No I'm not talking about that one guy)

- I wasn't really good at most school subject, I was just mostly daydreaming and being aloof

-I have good ears, I could eavesdrop from behind class, and learn a lot about a person

-at times people do think I'm clueless, but I am most likely aware of what's happening, I'm either just processing the situation or making my judgements on it. Sometimes I could be thinking of something else and someone's voice could override my thoughts, and I could eavesdrop while still doing my thing.

-If someone called me a word with good or bad connotations, I'd think about what that word meant and why would they call me that word.

-I adopted traits from people that I admired, seeing and visualizing myself in them.

-I was addicted to playing video games

-If I see a pattern I can recognize in problems, groups, behaviors, and etc I feel like I already know what to do(everyone does this), but if it feels like there's nothing worth or I just can't understand/solve the problem then I just become overwhelmed and stay in one spot, this is why I do think I'm a pseud at times.

I have ASD so I have a harder time understanding certain information, but I as I grow up more that restriction is slowly fading away.

I usually need certain examples to truly understand certain things, but I do think a lot. a lot of times when I don't understand concepts I somehow eventually get them in my mind randomly in the future(I don't know if this is related to Ni or not) either when someone mentions a word or I happen to see or hear something that's vaguely related to the subject.

Mid Teenage years to present:

- I adopted a lot of traits from many other people and groups(this is one of the reasons why I question my type)

-People would say my laugh is contagious

- Most of my interest would change, I am usually interested now: History, philosophy, and politics. I still like paleontology, and keep up with sometimes, but I see no way of pursuing it anymore; It's like a childish endeavor that I can't be bother to pursue anymore.

-I'm more "independent" minded

-I once had a strong interest in math and physics, that fell down because I overextended myself too much while dealing with worsening mental health and OCD. I know this shouldn't be an excuse, I hate using this as an excuse, as this is unreliable and just serves as a detractor in doing good things.

- There would be at times where I wouldn't pursue much research on something, and I'd be surprised that there's this important or small detail I missed out.

-My goal in life is to create something that will outlive me, I know that life is finite and I must endure the struggle and make sure build something that will last, I am aware I could be egotistical.

-I'm a private person I don't like telling my plans towards those close-by me.

-I still have good hearing senses

-I actually really like music now(it's great)

-My music taste is selective and are all around(I liked post-punk, black metal, classical music, music from different countries.)

-I have so many different ideas for a story, but I don't know how to start it. My grammar is lackluster at times, I try to read more stories to get see how others structure their sentences or see how they express action and feeling through text."

-I procrastinate a lot, I am aware of this and I try my best to get back on tasks. I usually just don't see any vision on a subject anymore or I just don't know a way to start it. I'm only spontaneous when I have no choice, or I just don't know how to start something.

-I can't articulate my thoughts much, I struggle putting out words; I'm trying to practice my speech abilities.

- I do like to annoy people when I'm bored and wanting to see how they react, this is only for people close to me (my family)

-I would be blunt most of the time towards my inner friend group, but try to be more aware outside the circle.

-I am quite critical of others privately I (for example: I'll be talking to this nice fine lady that seems nice and she tells me how much she loves some pop-culture thing and she can't live without that certain media. At times I wonder if pop-culture had truly replaced national/tribal culture? I just seem to have a strong dislike for these people, I can't imagine myself living like that, I do feel bad for her that she just can't see something.)

-I still have a deep interest on the number 5 and I also do with the symbol of "skull and crossbones"

-I've once gone insane doing nothing over a summer, I was depressed and highschool was over and I didn't know what to do next, I thought I didn't know what to do but as I kept going on I got lost through out the way like "What could I do with this degree? how will this actually help me achieve my goal while I have to deal with financial burdens?" I realized I was just in some fantasy world the whole time, and there's nothing I could do with the time that passed. So I over indulged in eating or spending(I was aware of I was doing but it felt like my mind and body disconnected; and I was doing a cross-eye, but not really, it's a bit blurry and I can feel a bit of the sensation.)

-as I grow up more, I limit my gaming and my phone time, It's detracts from me doing things.

-when I really wanna express myself I try to find a way to make it seem like it's not up to their face. I wanna make sure I don't look like I'm info dumping in front of them

-I've done psychedelics, it made me realize just how hyper-aware I was, and I just don't do anything about it. Yes, I have overindulged in drugs to help with my mind and give me insights. I've also used it to clear my brain when it's not working properly

-I like to write poetry privately at times.

-I have bad short term memory, I rely too much on my mind and don't write my plans down, that I'd forget something important. But I do somewhat have "good" long-term memory.

as of now I'm in a much better place, I actually know what to do in my remaining late teens and in my early 20s.

Edit: I've forgotten to add something in my "early teens to present" section.

-I feel like scenes from my life are like a painting/recording, I make sure I position myself in a way where there's self-importance. In a group photo, I make sure there's at least some symbolic importance in the position I am in. It's egotistical, I know. This is what I feel like after analyzing the paintings about Napoleon, he was a master at utilizing art to benefit him. And I can understand and resonate that.

I was locked in a room with three people: a well-built man, a woman, and a short androgynous boy(possibly a kid). Luckily, there's a window that reveals the outside world. On the right side, there is a large body of water and a small green helicopter flying but only staying in one place. And the front and left are just parking lots, grassland, and trees.

I thought of jumping out, but I eventually decided not to since there weren't many ledges to hold onto, and the well-built man convinced me not to. I also have seen many windows around below covered with the same yellowish-white sheet or curtain.

I could read and hear the man's thoughts. He was planning on cannibalizing us, I don't know whether he wanted us to all die by eating each other(survival of the fittest) or wait until we all just starved to death so he could eat our bodies. He didn't want me to jump since it's less food/fun for him. Either way, we would all die, and he'd be the last one standing.

Eventually, I revealed this information out loud, and he lunged at me, and everything turned to black--and nothing happened.

The well-built man looks similar to a content creator that I blocked months ago, I blocked him because he was just annoying and kept appearing in my fyp.

The woman is my anima, the androgynous boy is my inner child, and the tower is supposed to represent my psyche.

I think the well-built man is most likely my shadow. I've always had this sort of disgusting "eek" and fear towards cannibalism, which also made me drawn towards the subject of it; which is why I've been so fascinated about: Windigos, The TCM franchise, The picture in the house by HP Lovecraft, and anything that implies/mentions cannibalism in stories/poetries/songs.

And also that he kind of resembles a person I don't like.

Background before the dream:

I suffer from OCD and have been for most of my life.

I'm bringing this up because I had an annoying habit where I had an urge to rip a piece of a page and bend the bookspine for no reason.

I also suffer from tics/tourretes, and recently, I have a tic that just came up where I have the urge to say words, usually with vowels, in a painful and raspy way multiple times when reading a book, and it had detracted me from reading and doing things I like. My tics feel like they're seasonal, where they appear and disappear until a new or more powerful old one appears again.

And before I had this dream, I was reading Jünger's Storm of Steel. And I was halfway through a chapter(Against Indian opposition). I went to sleep because my Tics are making everything worse by delaying my reading, and I was also hella tired.

The dream:

I had a dream where I bent the spine of my copy of Jünger's Storm of Steel, one of my favorite books. The spine was covered by a black book repair tape. Well, the entire book was covered with the black book repair tape. The only thing that I remembered that was visible in the cover was Jünger's eyes, and I'm sure I've seen a snake or tiger's eye in the book cover; this cover is different than the one I had in real life.

I've felt like I've also had another variation of this dream in the past: a book's spine bent and covered with tape.