u/NewRootsLol

Hi all, occasionally, I struggle to fall asleep and go out at night for a stroll at the park near me before going back home. I ocasionally want to enter a bar for the atmosphere but looking at the menus, they often don't have non-alcohol options (I once got stared at weirdly when I asked if I can just have a coke without the whiskey and I'd pay the same price, that was 無理 but got offered tap water for free).

The other option is the gym, since I have a Chocozap subscription but after workout, I can't fall asleep at all. I would love to enter a book cafe where I can just get sparkling water and read a book at 2 am.

Any recommendations?

TW: Physical abuse and abandonment

I am now living abroad and I found a new therapist. She has been so incredibly understanding, gave me ways to treat my trauma, and it was going great... However, recently my flashbacks got a lot worse... I am finally remembering moments from very early childhood I had been repressing for ages.

One of them was how I "misbehaved" at the table on breakfast, got ruthlessly beaten by my dad. To solidify his punishment, he threw me outside of the house and drove off with my mum. I thought they would never come back, I was locked outside for hours... When they came back, I begged them to let me back in, but they refused to speak to me, I was crying, begging to let me back inside... I was forced to apologise to my dad (literally on my knees), and beg for forgiveness. Luckily, he was so kind to allow his "bastard son" back inside 🙄

My therapist cried when I told her the story... I probably shouldn't have shared that specific story, I feel so guilty... She is younger than me and I am scared that this recollection might have traumatised her...

I only recently gathered the courage to block my dad at 27. But since then, the memories haven't stopped flooding in, I can't stand it!

I live 12 000 km away in another continent. I am shocked by how kind people are here, I have friends both younger and older than me who are so incredibly kind and supportive, to the point that I feel like crying after coming back home (my own home that I pay for, not my egg donor or incubator's home). We go out for lunch, there is no stress, no bullying, conversations are straight forward, everything is fine...

But with my parents, it's always an argument. Someone has to be at fault, someone has to be wrong, and of course it was always me, the scapegoat.

I really couldn't handle all the stress and rage I felt after my last conversation with my narcissistic "father", so I blocked him. He made fun of me, lietrally started the conversation with "what are you doing, child?", he refuses to respect me as an adult, and he laughed at me when I told him I was cooking... I know it's very petty, compared to the times he got drunk and would get physically aggressive, insult me, and threaten to throw me out on the streets as a kid. But it felt like the straw that broke the camel's back, I had my whole day ruined and 24 hours after the phone call, I am still a ball of nerves and stress.

I know there will be retaliation, I have seen him take revenge before, and it's not pretty. But let's see how this drunken old evil abusive dickhead will react now that I won't respond to his messages.

All my life, I was told I was too stupid to live on my own and take care of myself, so my Nparents told me how burdened they are by their "ungrateful selfish bastard child"...

Well, I am now living in a different continent on my own. Turns out, cooking isn't hard, you just mix stuff and let the oven/stove do the rest (yes, there are a lot of intricacies with cooking but I mean basic cooking for survival). When I came to my apartment, there wasn't even a bed, and of course I got the "hahaha what are you gonna do now, sleep on the floor? Hahahah". Well, nope, getting a mattress and a bed frame delivered isn't hard, assembling everything just requires you to follow the instructions.

School and work? I graduated in the UK, have 5 years of work experience in Finance, yet I "did absolutely nothing" according to one of my uncles and he praised my Golden Child cousin for "being so independent" when she barely graduated high school, works part time, and lives with her mum.

Cleaning and basic self care? Turns out I was not as stupid as to not be able to use a broom. I currently live in Japan and when my landlord came to visit for a quick repair for a door hinge, he complimented me on how spotless my apartment was! But I feel like I really just put things in their pace and wiped the floor. As for hygeine, I always got yelled at "DID YOU PROPERLY SHOWER??? YOU DIDN'T SHAVE PROPERLY!!!" But I shower and shave every day, and so far, it hasn't been a problem with friends or dates.

Honestly, living alone at 27 finally makes me realise how much of my life was wasted away. I was living in fear of a lie that my Nparents made up, just to keep me under control. They told me life outside is incredibly cruel and they are the only ones keeping me safe.

All my life, I have been told I was useless, a piece of crap, stupid (despite being a straight A student), I can never do anything right, I wasn't even allowed to use a broom, I thought I would forever be dependent on someone...

My Nmom and Ndad divorced when I was 12, and since then, they have both fought over who gets to control me. I really didn't know what to do, my Nmom was constantly chased by debt collectors, my Ndad is a raging alcoholic, but I thought I could never be on my own. Throughout uni, I lived with my Ndad because he promised me I would only have to worry about studying... Well that was an effing lie. He couldn't hold a job for more than 3 months without getting into an argument with his boss so I had to work 30-40 hours a week while studying just to support both of us. Even when I was approved for a scholarship, hot a promotion at work, I was still refered to as "child". "When are we going to eat, child?" "Hey child, can you go to the store?" "Child, don't you raise your tone at me!" (After just correcting him about something small)

Well, this lasted way too long. No matter what I did, he wouldn't respect me as an adult. I got a job in finance, speak 4 languages (learning my 5th one), have a uni degree but no, I was still just a child.

I told him I had enough and I'm moving to Japan to study. He got angry, told me I won't be able to survive on my own in such a different country, and I will be back within the first month.

Well, here I am now at 27, about 4 months after moving- living alone in my own apartment in Tokyo, I did all the bureaucracy myself (been learning Japanese non-stop since I came), I cook, I clean, I do my own shopping, I lost 15 kg in 4 months, and I have spoken to people from so many different countries (still insecure how younger they started their independence than me but better late than never).

I have never felt happier. I am finally free!!! I can't believe I can literally just... Do anything I want!!! It genuinely feels like escaping prison!

Don't trust your NParents about what they say about you. They break down your confidence so you are always dependent on them. Once you get out, they have no use for you, and just discard you like a wet napkin. My Ndad hasn't even bothered to contact me much, guess he got bored now that his toy is far away...