how do i deal with resentment towards my ex friend
so last year I went on vacation with my friends. I ended up loosing my virginity. and I secured a girl hook up for the time being. one of my friends was super jealous of me. when me and the girl walked out of the hotel room, he gave me the death stare. I noticed it instantly even the girl told me that my friend looked so jealous. I ended up going out with this girl many times during the vacation. and my friend would start to make comments that i only hang out with her and not with them. I was thinking to myself, I dont care if i look selfish, I just lost my virginity after years of social anxiety. I am going to experience this fully. next day the next day something else happened. the girl was going to a club which we visited a few days prior. So i told my friends that I want get to this club because she is going there. all my friends didnt mind, except my best friend. he saying that club sucks, the music is bad. I didnt care at this point. We went anyways and as we enter the club, he starts making a scene that the music sucks and he will leave the club alone if he has to. truthfully this situation was so over my head at this point. I finally snapped and told him to leave if he wants to. he ended up staying. and we partied with my friends for some time. and then after an hour or two i texted the girl. and we went straight to the hotel. I knew that i was spending alot of time with her this is why I decided to party with my friends first. so after the trip, the girl ended up being my first ever girlfriend for a couple of month before we broke up. my friend was normal at the time. but after the break up, I was devastated. first heartbreak and all you know. my best friend was the first person i called when it happened. I was in a really vulnerable place because i felt comfortable. when we very close. he was very caring, we talked for hours. but for some reason it felt like i had overshared because he would start making jokes about some problem me and my ex had in our relationship. over the course of a few months, I started feeling like i was being bullied because the comments, jokes became too much. i wasn't even laughing at this point. i was just silent. the belittling and low blows became even worse when the other friends joined into a group call. At this point I was in a deep depression. I decided to go offline for a few month because i needed a break from them. when I told my best friend i needed some space to work on myself. He because super aggressive and angry. he was sending me hateful texts. and I was just ignoring them. just to give you context we were both adults in early 20s. not teenagers. I blocked him everywhere after that. and they kept texting and calling trying to get a hold of me which stressed me out so much. i was already severely depressed. a couple of months go by and he starts acting up, this time I kinda saw his real colors so i was just observing his patterns. he would be extremely manipulative, with his text. he would call me 5 times in a row. send me 20 texts. like. idiot, pig, gay, bitch. he would just straight up insult me. in my head i was like I will not answer to these disrespectful messages. he would like all of my social media posts in one go. anything to get a hold of me. he would get all the other group members to text and call me and from past experiences i know that he orders them to call just so they report back to him. eventually he and the other friend showed up unannounced at my doorstep. I was angry as fuck but didnt say anything. it was around summer time last year, he told me we are going to the mountains and we will use my tent. I told him, yeaaaah we will see. I was angry because i didnt even agree to any of this and he just shows up out of nowhere after month of no contact like nothing ever happend. he looked at me like shocked. he told me that he felt like he was talking to a stranger. no shit, i hated him. I ended up going to swim with them the next day, although i told myself that i would never speak to him ever again. I told myself, this is the last time I get *forced to go against my will*. next day as expected it wasnt about hanging out, it was about trying to convince me to go with them to the mountain. I would tell them all kinds of polite excuses but they totally disregarded them. In the sauna he even looked at me like he was offended by it. we called many times and one time i even answered and we talked for hours, the conversation went to the time when i was *offline* for a few months. I forgot to mention that my depression was so bad during that time. I even had an suicide attempt in april last year drunk driving. during the call he wouldnt apologize but rather say something disturbing indirectly to me. he told me that he had changed and he wasnt doing alright during this time. my friend instincts kicked in and i actually got worried for him. I asked whats going on? he told me that he cant tell me. I felt something wasnt right so I pushed a little. I asked if it was about his mental health, he said no, it was something that would get him locked in prison but our mutual friend talked him out of it. I asked, was it drug related? he said no. At this point I felt this gut feeling, that this is an indirect threat to me. sorry but it all points to him wanting to hurt me in some way. maybe i am just looking too deep into this. but I definitely felt like it was confirmed that i will cut contact with him for good. Other stuff happend to which i dont want to get into. but we basically went out a couple of times last year after that where we made passive aggresive joke. pointing to the fact that he havnt changed. this year however especially after my suicide attempt. I have pretty much lost all my people pleasing. I just say no. instead of maybe or we will see. he asked me to go out, I said no i am staying at home. he asked me to go on a vacation. i said no. but he never takes it as a no, he just says that i need to socialize. i cant isolate myself. he even threatened to leave our friendship by sending me a reel with the caption * dont take you friends for granted because they might leave* or something like that. and i just kept ignoring. but he still keeps on calling and text. and honestly I am anxious 24/7 always thinking about him. what if he shows up again? what if he does something crazy?
he texted me yesterday, i didnt even look. and today he called but i didnt answer. but i accidentally called him back, when i realized it i had been on a call with him for 1 minute. so i just quickly hung up without talking to him. I havnt been working since september, i have been 3 times in the psychward becuase of depression. but i am on an antidepressant that works so i am not suicidal anymore but still unable to work. I just want to have a peace of mind. but this guy seems crazy to me. I dont know what do to. I have no energy to confront him. and i dont know what he would do. i just keep ignoring him. but cant stop thinking about him. and i think i fucked up by answering by accident today