u/NewtComprehensive344

My fiancée (25F) and I are expecting our first child together. She’s very feminine/girly, loves dressing up, taking pictures, pretty scenery, and events with a nice atmosphere. She’s also a major people-pleaser and hates family conflict.
I originally wanted nothing to do with planning her shower. I always thought this was something the mothers handled, so my mom, her mom, and her stepmom were supposed to plan it together.
My mom absolutely dropped the ball. She became frustrated with the planning, stopped communicating for several weeks, and didn’t provide our guest list when she should have. I wish she had handled that completely differently, and I’m not defending it.
However, my fiancée’s mom had been extremely budget-focused from the beginning.
The first idea was a community/senior-center type venue that might have been free. My mom had actually attended a shower there before and told them she found it pretty underwhelming, but that option was still considered.
Her mom also initially wanted a roughly 3-hour afternoon shower partly so they could serve little/no food or just light snacks. Her stepmom disagreed with that, and so did my fiancée when she later heard about the food idea.
They eventually settled on an older church hall for roughly $150. It does hold the guest list, but it’s a pretty basic/dated space with strict rules: no alcohol and restrictions on certain games, snacks, and activities that the church considers inappropriate.
Her father is extremely attached to the church. My fiancée attended preschool there, although it is now a completely different church/denomination than when she attended.
He also says it’s sentimental because he, his current wife, and their children became a blended family there, and because the hall is near where the preschool nurse’s office used to be, which he thinks will make my fiancée reminisce about how far she’s come.
He says he had to personally ask the current pastor twice to allow the shower there.
I genuinely had no idea my fiancée considered this place particularly sentimental, if she even does. We’ve driven past it many times, and the only thing she’s ever said to me is basically, “I went to preschool there.”
We aren’t religious as a couple and have never attended church or prayed together. To me, a lot of the sentiment seems to belong to her father and stepmom, although obviously I could be wrong about how she feels.
Once I finally stepped in, we determined there are about 29 potential guests from her side and 27 from mine.
My family also made clear that they absolutely want to contribute financially. Her mom and stepmom had apparently assumed my family wasn’t going to contribute.
My sister then researched several alternatives in roughly the $400–$750 range: scenic/heated farm pavilions, brewery event spaces, and a lodge/banquet facility.
They offer better scenery and photo opportunities, more flexibility with food/activities, and some allow outside catering. My family is willing to pay the additional venue cost.
Some of the alternatives happen to be at breweries, which became another objection because my fiancée is pregnant and can’t drink.
But these are event pavilions/spaces people rent for showers and other events. Nobody has to drink. My fiancée doesn’t mind other people drinking around her and has occasionally had nonalcoholic beer during her pregnancy, including around her father, who has bought it for her before.
Other objections have included a relative being allergic to bees, another family member already having a bridal shower at one of the venues, and decorations supposedly already being purchased specifically for the church.
I’m not demanding a brewery or any particular venue. One alternative isn’t even a brewery. I just want the options genuinely considered.
What bothers me is that I haven’t really been allowed to present them.
Her stepmom told me that she and my fiancée’s mom “have this handled” and are moving forward as planned. Her mom asked me to simply send the names/addresses for my 27 guests and said this is “more of a mother/daughter event.”
Her father was also upset that I contacted the church myself to verify capacity and told me to let the women handle it.
He initially blamed my mom’s lack of communication and suggested the situation might now require two separate showers.
I completely understand why they’re angry with my mom. I am too.
But her mom and stepmom both had my phone number and never contacted me when my mom stopped responding. Questions instead eventually went through my pregnant fiancée.
Now that I’m trying to repair things, my entire side of the family still seems to have essentially no input.
My family doesn’t want control. My sister would actually be a much better representative than my mom at this point. She researched these alternatives because she genuinely wants to make the shower special, and I would happily step completely back out if the women could resume planning collaboratively.
My concern is also bigger than “expensive venue good, cheap venue bad.”
Her mom originally wanted little/no food, and now the plan is apparently premade grocery-store sandwiches.
Combined with the free community-center idea, $150 church, and resistance to alternatives even when my family offers to pay the difference, it feels like minimizing cost has consistently been the driving consideration.
Her mom has told me that what matters is “the people who come, the love we share, and the gifts she will receive.”
I understand that philosophy. But I worry it translates into the surroundings/food/experience not really mattering as long as we technically threw her a shower.
For comparison, earlier this year my fiancée threw me a milestone birthday party.
I didn’t even particularly care about having one.
She rented a nice brewery event room for under $500, invited 40+ people, and created a wonderful event that I still remember.
I want her shower for her first baby to at least match, if not exceed, the care and experience she gave me.
She’s the type of woman who loves pretty things, pictures, and making events feel special.
I’m genuinely worried she’s going to walk into a restrictive, generic church hall with grocery-store sandwiches and smile because she’s a people-pleaser, while it isn’t remotely the shower she would have chosen for herself.
At the same time, she has explicitly said she does NOT want two showers.
My family is frustrated enough now that they’re considering throwing their own. I understand why, but I don’t want her stuck between competing families.
There is still time before the shower.
Interestingly, her mom’s first response to me was actually fairly reasonable. She said several people were on vacation and that everyone could regroup when they returned.
Only afterward did I start getting the “we have it handled/moving forward as planned” responses.
So my preferred solution is pretty simple:
Acknowledge that my mom screwed up, have my sister replace her as my family’s representative, let both sides sit down when everyone is back, put the church and the other venues on the table, let my family contribute financially, and plan ONE shower together based on what my fiancée would actually enjoy.
I’m not asking anyone to cancel the church before that conversation.
I’m not demanding my preferred venue.
I’m not trying to take the shower away from her mom or stepmom.
If they refuse to even consider alternatives or allow my family back into planning, though, I’m struggling with what to do next.
Do I back off and let them throw the shower they’ve planned?
Do I privately ask my fiancée what kind of venue/event she’d actually want without telling her about the family fight?
Or, if her family refuses any collaboration whatsoever, is my family justified in taking over and hosting one shower that everyone—including her family—is still invited to?
I don’t care about winning a venue argument.
I want one family shower, not two, and I want my fiancée to walk into it and feel like everyone planned it around her, not around everybody else’s budget, nostalgia, hurt feelings, or preferences.

My fiancée (25F) and I are expecting our first child together. She’s very feminine/girly, loves dressing up, taking pictures, pretty scenery, and events with a nice atmosphere. She’s also a major people-pleaser and hates family conflict.
I originally wanted nothing to do with planning her shower. I always thought this was something the mothers handled, so my mom, her mom, and her stepmom were supposed to plan it together.

My mom absolutely dropped the ball. She became frustrated with the planning, stopped communicating for several weeks, and didn’t provide our guest list when she should have. I wish she had handled that completely differently, and I’m not defending it.
However, my fiancée’s mom had been extremely budget-focused from the beginning.
The first idea was a community/senior-center type venue that might have been free. My mom had actually attended a shower there before and told them she found it pretty underwhelming, but that option was still considered.

Her mom also initially wanted a roughly 3-hour afternoon shower partly so they could serve little/no food or just light snacks. Her stepmom disagreed with that, and so did my fiancée when she later heard about the food idea.

They eventually settled on an older church hall for roughly $150. It does hold the guest list, but it’s a pretty basic/dated space with strict rules: no alcohol and restrictions on certain games, snacks, and activities that the church considers inappropriate.

Her father is extremely attached to the church. My fiancée attended preschool there, although it is now a completely different church/denomination than when she attended.

He also says it’s sentimental because he, his current wife, and their children became a blended family there, and because the hall is near where the preschool nurse’s office used to be, which he thinks will make my fiancée reminisce about how far she’s come.

He says he had to personally ask the current pastor twice to allow the shower there.
I genuinely had no idea my fiancée considered this place particularly sentimental, if she even does. We’ve driven past it many times, and the only thing she’s ever said to me is basically, “I went to preschool there.”

We aren’t religious as a couple and have never attended church or prayed together. To me, a lot of the sentiment seems to belong to her father and stepmom, although obviously I could be wrong about how she feels.

Once I finally stepped in, we determined there are about 29 potential guests from her side and 27 from mine.
My family also made clear that they absolutely want to contribute financially. Her mom and stepmom had apparently assumed my family wasn’t going to contribute.

My sister then researched several alternatives in roughly the $400–$750 range: scenic/heated farm pavilions, brewery event spaces, and a lodge/banquet facility.
They offer better scenery and photo opportunities, more flexibility with food/activities, and some allow outside catering. My family is willing to pay the additional venue cost.

Some of the alternatives happen to be at breweries, which became another objection because my fiancée is pregnant and can’t drink.
But these are event pavilions/spaces people rent for showers and other events. Nobody has to drink. My fiancée doesn’t mind other people drinking around her and has occasionally had nonalcoholic beer during her pregnancy, including around her father, who has bought it for her before.

Other objections have included a relative being allergic to bees, another family member already having a bridal shower at one of the venues, and decorations supposedly already being purchased specifically for the church.

I’m not demanding a brewery or any particular venue. One alternative isn’t even a brewery. I just want the options genuinely considered.
What bothers me is that I haven’t really been allowed to present them.

Her stepmom told me that she and my fiancée’s mom “have this handled” and are moving forward as planned. Her mom asked me to simply send the names/addresses for my 27 guests and said this is “more of a mother/daughter event.”

Her father was also upset that I contacted the church myself to verify capacity and told me to let the women handle it.
He initially blamed my mom’s lack of communication and suggested the situation might now require two separate showers.

I completely understand why they’re angry with my mom. I am too.
But her mom and stepmom both had my phone number and never contacted me when my mom stopped responding. Questions instead eventually went through my pregnant fiancée.

Now that I’m trying to repair things, my entire side of the family still seems to have essentially no input.
My family doesn’t want control. My sister would actually be a much better representative than my mom at this point. She researched these alternatives because she genuinely wants to make the shower special, and I would happily step completely back out if the women could resume planning collaboratively.

My concern is also bigger than “expensive venue good, cheap venue bad.”
Her mom originally wanted little/no food, and now the plan is apparently premade grocery-store sandwiches.
Combined with the free community-center idea, $150 church, and resistance to alternatives even when my family offers to pay the difference, it feels like minimizing cost has consistently been the driving consideration.
Her mom has told me that what matters is “the people who come, the love we share, and the gifts she will receive.”

I understand that philosophy. But I worry it translates into the surroundings/food/experience not really mattering as long as we technically threw her a shower.
For comparison, earlier this year my fiancée threw me a milestone birthday party.
I didn’t even particularly care about having one.
She rented a nice brewery event room for under $500, invited 40+ people, and created a wonderful event that I still remember.

I want her shower for her first baby to at least match, if not exceed, the care and experience she gave me.
She’s the type of woman who loves pretty things, pictures, and making events feel special.
I’m genuinely worried she’s going to walk into a restrictive, generic church hall with grocery-store sandwiches and smile because she’s a people-pleaser, while it isn’t remotely the shower she would have chosen for herself.
At the same time, she has explicitly said she does NOT want two showers.

My family is frustrated enough now that they’re considering throwing their own. I understand why, but I don’t want her stuck between competing families.
There is still time before the shower.
Interestingly, her mom’s first response to me was actually fairly reasonable. She said several people were on vacation and that everyone could regroup when they returned.

Only afterward did I start getting the “we have it handled/moving forward as planned” responses.
So my preferred solution is pretty simple:
Acknowledge that my mom screwed up, have my sister replace her as my family’s representative, let both sides sit down when everyone is back, put the church and the other venues on the table, let my family contribute financially, and plan ONE shower together based on what my fiancée would actually enjoy.

I’m not asking anyone to cancel the church before that conversation.
I’m not demanding my preferred venue.
I’m not trying to take the shower away from her mom or stepmom.

If they refuse to even consider alternatives or allow my family back into planning, though, I’m struggling with what to do next.

Do I back off and let them throw the shower they’ve planned?

Do I privately ask my fiancée what kind of venue/event she’d actually want without telling her about the family fight?

Or, if her family refuses any collaboration whatsoever, is my family justified in taking over and hosting one shower that everyone—including her family—is still invited to?

I don’t care about winning a venue argument.
I want one family shower, not two, and I want my fiancée to walk into it and feel like everyone planned it around her, not around everybody else’s budget, nostalgia, hurt feelings, or preferences.

I need some outside perspective because this has turned into a family issue, and my main concern is that my pregnant fiancée ends up caught in the middle or disappointed at her own baby shower.
My fiancée is in her mid-20s, pregnant with our first child together, and this will be her first baby shower. The shower is roughly three months away.
For some context about her personality: she is very feminine/girly, loves taking pictures at events, cares about pretty surroundings and the overall vibe of things, loves reality dating shows, and is the type of person who gives her car a cute girly nickname. She likes cute, fun, aesthetically pleasing things. I’m mentioning this because it becomes relevant to the venue disagreement.
Her mother, stepmother, and my mother were originally supposed to be involved in planning the shower.
From what I understand, my fiancée’s mother was very budget-conscious from the beginning. One of the first venue ideas was a senior/community center because a relative might have been able to get it for free. There was also initially talk of holding the shower in the middle of the afternoon and either not serving a real meal or just doing light snacks, partly to keep costs down.
Her stepmother actually disagreed with the minimal-food idea, and when my fiancée happened to hear about that part, she didn’t like it either.
Eventually, her family secured a church hall for around $150.
Here’s where things get complicated.
This is the physical location where my fiancée attended preschool as a little kid, but it isn’t actually the same church organization anymore. A completely different Christian denomination/congregation operates there now.
Her father is VERY sentimental about the location. He says it’s where he, his current wife, and their children really came together as a blended family. He also pointed out that the hall is near where the preschool nurse’s office used to be. Apparently my fiancée spent a lot of time there as a child, and he imagines her looking at it during the shower, reminiscing and thinking about how far she’s come now that she’s becoming a mother.
I actually think that’s a sweet thought from a father.
The problem is that I’m not convinced my fiancée herself has that emotional attachment to the place.
We’ve driven past this building many times over the years. Her only real comment about it has basically been, “That’s where I went to preschool.” I’ve never heard her talk about it as an emotionally significant place, somewhere she’d want to celebrate a milestone, or the place where her family came together.
Her father apparently had to personally ask the pastor of the CURRENT church multiple times to let them hold the shower there because they normally don’t do this sort of thing.
So I absolutely believe the location is meaningful to him. I’m just questioning whether his sentimentality is being projected onto his daughter.
The church itself is also very basic. Think older brick church, large paved parking area, fairly dated/utilitarian event hall, not much scenery or anything particularly attractive for pictures.
It can accommodate everybody, so capacity is no longer an issue.
But it also has strict rules. No alcohol and restrictions on games, snacks, jokes, activities, etc. that the church considers inappropriate.
Neither my fiancée nor my family is particularly uptight about that stuff. Nobody is trying to turn a baby shower into a drunken party, but my family likes to laugh, joke around and have fun without worrying whether an innocent baby shower game is acceptable to the church.
Meanwhile, there are several farm/event venues nearby that regularly host weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, birthdays, etc.
Some happen to be breweries located on beautiful farm properties. The actual event areas are separate heated/enclosed pavilions surrounded by fields and scenery. Nobody would be required to drink. Anyone who wanted a beer could walk to a separate taproom and buy one.
My fiancée genuinely does not care about people drinking around her while she’s pregnant. She occasionally drinks nonalcoholic beer herself. Her father has bought NA beer for her at family events during the pregnancy while other people drank regular beer. We’ve also been together plenty of times where she has an NA drink while someone else has a regular alcoholic drink.
So I don’t see this as “taking a pregnant woman to a bar.” The attraction is the scenery/event space, not the alcohol.
I originally suggested one particular farm/brewery venue that we have been to together and enjoyed. It would cost around $500–$600.
Her mother immediately questioned why we’d hold a shower at a brewery when her daughter can’t drink.
Her father subsequently raised several other objections: another family member is already having a different type of shower at that same property, his mother is allergic to bees and he thinks the pavilions could have bees, and decorations have already been ordered based on the dimensions of the church hall.
I take the allergy concern seriously. The others seem more workable to me, especially with the shower still roughly three months away.
But I’m also NOT insisting on this particular brewery.
I’ve researched multiple alternatives.
There are other scenic farm/brewery event spaces in roughly the $450–$600 range with heated pavilions, beautiful surroundings, flexible food policies, etc.
More importantly, I found a NON-BREWERY option for around $750. It’s a dedicated climate-controlled banquet/event hall on a large scenic property. It specifically hosts baby showers, has a wraparound porch, open fields for pictures, tables and chairs included, kitchen space, flexible catering/vendors, several hours of rental time, and holds far more people than we’d ever invite.
So if “brewery” is genuinely the problem, there are alternatives that completely remove that issue.
Money also doesn’t need to be the obstacle.
My mother, father, stepmother, siblings, etc. are willing to contribute toward the shower. My family has even offered to cover the additional cost of getting a nicer venue.
This is part of why I’m frustrated. It seems like the original planning was done under the assumption that my side either wouldn’t contribute much financially or wouldn’t have many guests.
There may even have been an early misunderstanding that my entire side would only have a handful of people attending. I cannot confirm that was actually said, so I’m NOT treating it as fact.
In reality, there are roughly 25–30 potential guests from EACH side of the family.
There is another complication where I think my side genuinely screwed up.
My mother was originally involved in planning but became frustrated because she felt like my fiancée’s mother was shooting down, ignoring, or giving nonanswers to most of her suggestions. Instead of addressing that directly, my mother basically shut down and wasn’t responsive for several weeks.
I think my mother handled that badly. I’ve told everyone that. Even if she felt excluded, going silent wasn’t the right response.
However, my fiancée’s mother and stepmother both had my phone number.
If they desperately needed our guest count and couldn’t get an answer from my mother, nobody ever contacted me directly. Instead, at one point they had my pregnant fiancée ask me for information.
That bothers me because now everyone is saying we need to keep my fiancée out of the planning because they don’t want to stress her.
I agree! But then why didn’t somebody just text me?
Once I realized what was going on and finally had our guest list, I sent a polite group message. I explained that my side had around 25–30 potential guests, their side had around the same, and I wanted to make sure everyone fit comfortably. I said my family was willing to pay for a larger/nicer venue and suggested the scenic farm venue as ONE possibility.
I specifically said I wasn’t trying to take over.
My fiancée’s mother initially responded pretty reasonably. She said several people were currently on vacation, she wasn’t sure about a brewery since her daughter couldn’t drink, but everyone could “regroup” when they returned.
I agreed. I told her there was no rush, acknowledged her concern, explicitly said the brewery was only one option and that I was open to other venues.
Then the stepmother responded saying essentially, “I understand you’re looking out for her, but her mother and I have this handled. We’re moving forward as planned.”
Then her mother told me to just send the names and addresses for my guests and said this was “more of a mother/daughter event” and something for the moms to put together.
That really rubbed me the wrong way.
I’m not asking to plan the decorations, games, invitations, theme, etc.
But this is my fiancée and OUR baby. My daughter has two sides of a family. My parents are grandparents too. My siblings are aunts/uncles. My side isn’t just a random group of guests being added to her family’s party.
There should be some middle ground between me/my family taking over the shower and essentially being told, “Give us your guest addresses and stay out of it.”
Her father was also upset that I contacted the church myself to ask about capacity. He said they had gone through a lot to get the church and that I should let the mother and stepmother handle everything.
He then blamed the situation largely on my mother’s lack of communication and said that because of everything happening, maybe there should be TWO separate showers and that my fiancée would be upset.
Here’s the huge problem:
My fiancée has already specifically told me that she DOES NOT WANT two baby showers.
My family now feels so excluded that they’re talking about throwing a separate shower themselves. I understand why they’re angry, but I don’t want to solve the adults’ disagreement by giving my fiancée exactly what she has already told me she doesn’t want.
What I’m struggling with most is that I genuinely worry the current shower is being designed around what her parents value rather than who my fiancée actually is.
Her mother seems to value keeping the event inexpensive and believes the people, love, and gifts are what really matter.
Her father is very emotionally invested in the childhood/preschool location and the symbolism HE sees in it.
Her stepmother wasn’t originally the person pushing the extreme budget ideas and actually objected to the minimal-food plan, but she has mostly gone along with the mother’s budget/plan since then and is now firmly defending it.
Meanwhile, I look at my fiancée and think she’d much rather have a pretty event space, nice food, somewhere she can dress up and take beautiful pictures, and an atmosphere where everyone can relax and have fun. She loves reality dating shows, gives things cute nicknames, enjoys taking pictures, and generally cares about aesthetics and the overall vibe of an event.
Maybe I’m wrong.
I also don’t want to become guilty of the same thing I’m accusing her parents of doing—assuming I know what she wants better than everyone else.
I don’t care whether my specific venue wins. At this point I’d happily use the non-brewery scenic banquet hall or another option somebody finds.
I just want everyone to actually consider the resources available from BOTH families and ask, “What would feel most like HER?”
The shower is still roughly three months away, so this isn’t happening next weekend.
My fiancée’s mother originally said everyone could regroup after vacations, and that’s where things currently stand, although the mother/stepmother subsequently sounded much more final about keeping the existing plan.
So Reddit, what would you do?
Would you back off completely and let her mother/stepmother/father throw the church shower they’ve planned?
Would you push for everyone to actually sit down after vacation and compare the church against the other venues, especially since my family is willing to pay the difference?
Should I privately ask my fiancée a very general question about whether she’d prefer a sentimental childhood location versus a scenic/photo-friendly event venue, without telling her about the family disagreement or revealing the actual locations?
And how do I keep my own family from saying “screw it, we’ll throw our own shower” when my fiancée has already told me she doesn’t want two?
I genuinely don’t care about winning a venue argument. I just don’t want everyone to become so invested in their own plans, budgets, hurt feelings, or nostalgia that the person we’re supposedly celebrating gets lost in all of it.