u/Nice_Sink_2604

Okay to sort out my thoughts fully.

I was going on a walk. I saw a kid struggling to get in a car, and I hung back because I thought she was going to fall out. My brain instantly told me to look under her dress. Which of course I was disgusted by. This is where the thoughts get sticky and I can't fully remember. I remember looking. I am scared it's not like my usual involuntary where I see someone with cleavage out and my eyes dart without full conscious control. It felt like I was in control. I think my brain was telling me to "just look" and that "it won't hurt anyone." it was around the time I was testing my intrusive thoughts to know myself that they will not hurt. My eyes kept glancing down. Because she was getting in the car, I saw her underwear. I instantly looked away of course. I blocked it out of my mind because I knew deep down it was an intrusive thought. But now I cannot get rid of it. Constant panic attacks, bowel issues, fears. After that, I self punished. I would constantly monitor the way I acted around that kid to make sure I really wasn't attracted. I would self punish after by avoiding kids. I struggled to eat. I would tell myself I had to live with the guilt and disgustingness. I hated myself. I don't really want to hurt kids. I don't want to be a predator.

I was mainly thinking about her falling. It was unwanted, but I also felt that tempting pressure in my skull when looking. It's so scary. I can't remember my immediate reaction. I remember panic and the world spinning. I would not be worried if it was an adult. I would have let it go. Im most worried that I deliberately looked. That I am actually disgusting. I have constantly ruminated and researched. I pushed myself away from the idea of working with kids. The looking felt like I was in partial control. I would feel bad if someone described this story to me, because the thought of someone going through this and not trusting themselves makes me feel ill. But I can't do that for some reason when it is myself. Maybe the lack of trust for myself.

My main thoughts, before I started researching and coming across pocd was that I wanted to protect kids from me. Because you know.

Anyone else relate? I feel so alone.

Hey, so I've been trying to get a diagnosis of OCD, but every professional keeps pushing me away despite saying clear obsession and compulsion traits.

I just want to talk about something. I get an intrusive urge to look at someone innapropriately, where private parts are. I think "don't do it" but it feels like my brain is split in half where one wants it and the other doesn't. And then I end up looking anyway. It makes me feel genuinely ill. But it never fully distressed me until it happened to a child. I was 16 at the time this happened, but I can't stop thinking I liked it and I am some predator or sexual harrasser. I don't want to be one. It makes me ill thinking about it. I spoke to a crisis team and they said it was common. I just wonder if someone else has this sort of thing. I've never seen a story like this. But because I did end up looking innapropriately, I feel disgusting. Despite the fact I know deep down I hate that sort of stuff and I would absolutely rip into anyone who would ever do that because they want to.

Basically, to put it blunt, I was living with this family who had a grandchild who was a toddler. She was getting in the car and I was terrified she'd fall and hurt herself, since she looked unstable, so I stayed behind. I had an intrusive thought that said "hey. Look under her dress."

I thought it was disgusting. But I had to look. And I did. I saw. But all I feel is disgust. I want to vomit. Please. No one is helping. I feel like I should go to the police and hand myself in. I don't want to be abandoned. It doesn't help that my uncle was a pred. I don't want to be one. I think preds are disgusting. I keep having panic attacks. I told NHS 111 exactly about this, mentioning I have OCD type thoughts but no diagnosis, and they said this was very common. But I feel like it is not. I feel like I am manipulating the story to gain sympathy and to get out of trouble. Out of jail time. I'm so scared. I feel sick. Please someone help. I keep going to NOCD and no one answers. I need answers. I see people who literally say they have unconsentual erections around children. Which sounds debatably worse. But I feel my story is different.

Does anyone else have this story? Please. I need someone with the exact same story.

Any advice at all would be helpful. Advice, anything to stop these panic attacks. I can't stop having panic attacks over it.

Hello! I keep starting scenarios with bots on Fictionlab. For a while, it goes smoothly, but then randomly, I will generate a message, but the response the bot makes responds to my introduction, rather than the one I just sent. I hope this makes any sense. I was wondering if there was anything I can do to stop it. It won't respond to the last generation. Only the first one. Despite having progressed the story.