u/Nicolyboo

Sis, let me tell you what happened on my 41st birthday.

My daddy a bishop, a pastor, a man the community reveres sent me a "happy birthday" text at 4AM. In a group chat. The same group chat where he'd been ignoring me and my brothers for a week after promising us money and then vanishing. The same week where I had BEGGED him and my mother to help me with my four kids so I could take the biggest acting opportunity of my life and they couldn't even dignify that with a response.

I'm a single mom. I've raised ALL FOUR of my children alone. Their fathers made them and dipped similar to like my father treated me in an emotional sense although he was physically present. Like property. Like you don't have to be accountable to something just because you created it.

When I finally found the courage to say "Dad, your lack of communication hurts me and I need better" his response was pure narcissist bingo. He called it "chastisement." He made himself the victim. He said he was "keeping his distance" from my children because of me. My BABIES had nothing to do with this.

And here's what I realized: the church taught me to shut up. The culture taught me to respect my elders no matter what. My father used the pulpit to share OUR family's business for his own gain but I'm not allowed to use my testimony for my healing?

Nah. I've broken the cycle. My daughters will never know what it feels like to be silenced by a man who claims to love them. My son will learn what accountability looks like because I'm showing him.

If you're out there still carrying daddy issues that turned into husband issues the origin story matters. Face it. Heal from it. Break the cycle. 👑

I used to spend every birthday, every holiday, every milestone bracing for the narcissist in my life to ruin it. And they always did. That was the cycle: anticipate the wound, receive the wound, react to the wound, get called "crazy" for reacting.

This birthday was different.

My ndad sent me a "happy birthday" in a group chat where he'd been ignoring me for a week after promising money and ignoring my desperate request for help with my kids. Classic narcissist move to show up for the performance (birthday wishes in front of the brothers) while ignoring the actual need (private plea for help).

I responded with calm, clear, loving boundaries. He responded with DARVO — deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He made himself the victim. He threw in bizarre deflections about my children. He told me I was "chastising" him by asking for basic communication.

The old me would have collapsed. Would have raged. Would have been reduced to the little girl who was told to shut up every time she spoke.

The new me? I felt the anxiety. I sat with it. I breathed. I responded from a place of wholeness, not woundedness.

And when his response came was the textbook narcissistic deflection and I felt... clarity. Not devastation. Clarity.

This is who he is. This has ALWAYS been who he is. And I am finally free of the hope that he'll be someone different.

If you're in that space where you keep hoping they'll change then let this be your sign. They show you who they are. Every single time. The freedom is in believing them.

I was turning 41. I've spent my entire life trying to get my father to treat me like a human being. I'm the scapegoat. My youngest brother is the golden child. My mother is the enabler. Classic narcissistic family system.

Here's what happened on my birthday.

About a week before, my dad set up a group chat with me and my brothers. Said he got an "unexpected blessing" and wanted to send us money. Asked for our CashApp info. We all gave it.

Then there was nothing. No money. No update. No follow-up. My brother sent a passive-aggressive follow-up. I did too. Crickets.

Around the same time, I sent my parents a SEPARATE message. I'd just been cast in the biggest acting job of my life. I'm a single mom of four. I had NO help, no one to watch my kids while I flew out to film. I asked them could they please come help me with the kids so I didn't have to miss this opportunity?

No response. No acknowledgment. Not even a "no."

A few days later, the next morning my birthday, 4AM my dad sends "Happy Birthday" in that same group chat. The one where he'd been ignoring us about the money. The one where my request for help sat unanswered.

I wanted to rage. That's the little girl in me the one who spent decades being told to shut up, who got slapped across the mouth every time she tried to express a need, who was called a hoe as a teenager by her own father. She wanted to rage out.

But she's not me anymore.

I took a breath. I waited hours. And then I sent this:

"Dad, thank you for the birthday wishes. I need to address something that's been bothering me. When you asked for our cash app info and said you wanted to give us money, we provided it but haven't heard anything since. Additionally, my request for help with the kids while I film was completely ignored. It's really frustrating to be left hanging without any communication. If you're unable to follow through, I'd appreciate it if you could at least let us know instead of leaving us in the dark. Clear communication and follow-through is important to me. I love you and I really hope we can make this better in the future."

His response:

"This is why I don't communicate with you very much... whatever stress and abuse you feel I have contributed to your life I am very sorry... this sense of chastisement is what really bothers me... I don't feel we owe an explanation... it seems like our love for our children has turned into correcting us... I don't want to be in a position where I will ever be accused of abusing my grands so I have elected to keep my distance for the sake of my love for them... there are many things that have been insinuated about me that are truly hurtful..."

He never once addressed ignoring my request for help. He made himself the victim. He brought up my children who had NOTHING to do with any of this as some bizarre justification for keeping his distance from them. And he reduced me expressing basic communication needs as "chastisement."

My brother, the golden child, who co-signed everything I said? He was completely ignored in the response. Only I got attacked. Because that's how it's always been — I'm the scapegoat, and the scapegoat doesn't get to have needs.

I used to be the one who would rage. I'd scream, fight back, and then get called "crazy" and "dramatic" classic reactive abuse. They see you react to the wound and call you the problem. But this time I didn't give them that. I stated my needs clearly, calmly, and with love.

And his response told me everything I needed to know.

I'm not that little girl anymore. I bless her, I release her, and I thank her because she helped me survive. But she's gone. And I'm at peace with that.

If you're still in the cycle you can break it. You don't have to rage to be heard. You don't have to accept being ignored to stay connected. And you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

Stay strong. 💜