My 4 yo hits me almost every night
My 4-year-old daughter also hits me every night, and sometimes during the day too. When she doesn’t like something, she resorts to screaming, biting, hitting. I’ve taught her several ways to avoid hitting me. I told her that instead of hitting me, she can hit a pillow or the bed, scream into a pillow, or jump on the bed to release that tension. I’ve also taught her to breathe using the “smell the flower and blow out the candle” technique. Sometimes it works, but there are days when nothing works, and I just can’t take it anymore. It overwhelms me.
The neighbors have complained about the screaming more than once. I’m a single mother, and I just can’t do this anymore.
We go on long walks together, and she enjoys them. She spends hours at the park playing with other children, and she doesn’t behave like this there, except for occasionally shouting out of excitement for a very short time. She comes to work with me, and she stays busy playing or watching something on my phone while I work. She doesn’t watch violent or disturbing cartoons.
But every night before bedtime, everything turns into chaos—screaming and hitting. Sometimes I can’t take it anymore, and I just let her hit me. Other times I move her away, and sometimes I lose control and slap her or push her away too hard. I don’t want to do that. I want her to be calm and to teach her better ways to cope, but I just can’t handle it anymore.
Other times, when I lose control, I lock myself in the bathroom and hurt myself. Or I start scratching myself over and over until she stops screaming, because I don’t want to hurt her, and I’d rather hurt myself instead.
I don’t know what else to do. I’m desperate.
I’m with her 24/7 every single day. I have no support, no money to pay for a babysitter, and I can’t enroll her in daycare because of certain requirements. Once she finally falls asleep, I stay awake just so I can have a little time for myself.
Some days I struggle to even play with her because I’m completely exhausted. But outside of these emotional outbursts, she is an amazing little girl. There have been times when I felt so unwell that I couldn’t even get out of bed, and she decided on her own to wash the dishes. Once, following my instructions, she even helped cook chicken—I only turned on the stove because I simply couldn’t get out of bed to do anything. She often helps around the house without me asking. She cooks with me, cleans with me, and does many things that I think are appropriate for her age. Sometimes, when she’s very upset, she’s able to hit a pillow instead or use some of the coping strategies I’ve taught her, but most of the time she can’t, and I’m just so tired.
The truth is, I grew up surrounded by violence. My parents hit me, and so did my partners later in life. I don’t want to repeat that pattern with my daughter, but I’m completely exhausted.