u/No-Community-2810

Summer is not for depressed loners I guess. I can't wait for cold winter nights. I don't belong here

Short post but need to get that off my chest. People on here seem to think either you get a dysfunctionally abusive family (and then, CPTSD) or you are "normal" and got a healthy one.

Healthy ones exist but they are rare. Most people you see outwardly succeed (money, partners, friends, etc) aren't healthy at all. Many are incapable of emotional intelligence, don't own their mistakes and basically succeed because their parents however bad people they were adored them like little princes or princesses and so they go through life thinking all is just ripe for them to take.

They are still abusive and especially show no empathy whatsoever for people like us. So please stop confusing "socially functioning in a sick world" with "healthy".

First thing in the morning usually around 5-7am I just wake up flooded in frustration. Partner does barely satisfy any of my needs, it's a roommate at this point. Don't have a job and fuck finding one is a shitshow. I'm just so sick of being contemptuously lectured about what a loser I am by these damn have it alls that never struggled to land a damn job, all got friends fancy cars and partners who adore them. Nah none of that will ever be for me and it hurts man... guess I'll again take that morning rum... she doesnt give two shits I drink in bed right next to her anyway, so oblivious like everyone else around.

Even when I'm actually on a tropical beach with a drink in hand, it never ever feels safe.

People will change their minds. One day, I'll say the one too much thing and they'll leave.

Or I'll find work and of course will end up forced to team up with privileged arrogant young men who will bully me again, then I'll either quit or make a scene and get fired.

The only time this shit quiets down is drunk. And even then, I never forget to scan what people will try to mock, or take away from me.

Safe world is a fallacy. I'm tired of trying. My paranoia is legitimate. People who never got any real problems in life sadly add to it.

Truly kind and sentient people exist, but they are the 1%. And they get beaten for it. Fuck this world of predators and preys. Lest I take as many of them down if they try to get out their way to hurt me ever again.

Won't go into details but I had very specific types of trauma atop the parental abuse and daily invalidation that gave me this disorder.

People either don't know what to say, minimize it or even worse say it's all on me. I keep getting stuck in the past and telling it to random strangers who obviously have not had the same life at all.

I keep recounting it to my partner who didn't have the same life at all either and doesn't know what to say. Now all it does is provoke friction if I mention my past.

Consequently I feel daily invalidated. I search for validation elsewhere. I lie to my whole family that I am all fine and done with drinking. Which is absolutely false as I crave drinking ALL the time. I have to hide what I think constantly.

I can't do it anymore every morning I feel it's either booze or suicide. I'm not looking for a chat rn, just Idk, any advice

I'm always feeling like anything good I can have is fleeting. Every interaction that's going well with my partner (or anybody), the moment they go out or fall asleep and I'm alone it's like it never existed.

I put self harm because when I was single I'd burn myself but now I use alcohol as self harm. I binge until I can finally sleep because I always feel "on alarm" because of PTSD both in relationships and a nasty car crash years ago.

I even buy stuff I don't like (like vodka which I HATE the taste of) and force feed it to myself to get the high sometimes.

And be it in talks with people or with my alc consumption I feel I'm a bottomless pit.

No matter if I have a very good emotional talk with somebody who really cares and listens to me venting all my shit (my partner constantly rehears about shit that happened in 21 or 22 for instance) for hours it never "fills me up" and makes me "secure in the relationship/friendship".

And even alcohol. My tolerance is so high I never even vomit or need water anymore. I just fall asleep and I need at least 0.7L of liquor or 3 wine bottles a day if I stay home. My wallet is getting ruined because there's no quantity just "filling me up".

How do you fill yourself up? And stop being a fucking leaking tank that doesn't keep anything in?

Do you ever feel like they sort of are glad you're boozing alone? So that they don't have to talk to you, so that they delegate their partnership responsibilities to the bottle?

And then they'll say you're such a loser drinking all the time, but maybe after all subconsciously they're just happy you leave'em alone and get wasted.

I'm there right now. Slowly climbing the ladder on white rum. My grandpa and grandma had a similar dynamic. Grandma was always doing stuff outside, not often home, while grandpa was always sitting in front of TV drinking.

It's sorta a thing like egg or chicken to get who influences the other... is the drunk pushing the not drunk away? Or is it the non drunk pushing the drunk to drink more so they don't have to deal with their shit?

I'd be glad to read what yall think bout that issue if you ever lived through it

I mean I think I already know it's a yes. I've always been a binger ever since my teen years. But these last few months it's become something different.

Slower paced, but I want to be wasted, every. single. day.

And I do. And it's like it's starting to be like an explosive shell perforating a tank and destroying everything and everyone inside. What I mean by that, is alc wrecks my body from inside.

I'm constantly hangover. I sleep 4h or 5 at best. Bladder hurts. Kidneys hurt. Liver hurts. Stomach hurts.

But I don't care. Because if I stop boozing I'm left craving people's attention and I've learned the hard way you'd better never open to people. Even to your own partner. It's ALWAYS backfiring and being use as ammunition for later arguing.

But so, is it just a me thing, or do most alcoholics who do daily (heavy) drinking sort of have a tacit wish to die? Because why I else would I not react to all the pain above if I want to stay alive?

I just cannot understand for the life of me how asking for a hello in the morning, a text when someone's been away the whole day telling me they're safe and when they come back home, how is this too much too ask, toxic, needy or whatever?

We're talking of ultra basic stuff, not texting for hours. Just basic, once in a while through the day communication.

I'm exhausted of begging. It's the same with friends, with anyone. It's like I'm supposed to just not talk to them. Anyone else having that issue and really not understanding?

No friends. Cut off toxic family. No job. Got a partner but whenever she's there which is not often we fight all day long, so the only thing I have is stalling.

I don't enjoy anything anymore else than drinking alone.

I'm exhausted that the few people I know don't even seem to know me for real.

My life is all doom and gloom, getting stuck on past mistakes, fearing a future that will only get worse and everyone around has lives, friends, projects...

I don't even know if I'll still be there next week.

I barely go out anymore, and what for?

Everything outside is a remainder of what I'll never have. I'll never start to live. It was rigged from day 1.

Like without booze I'd not even be alive! It's got that way of both turning off your mind's insanity and also building fake bridges with everyone else. It doesn't matter if it's fake all that matters is it make you feel you belong.

It also gives you courage whenever something needs be done. Most people can't grasp this.

They're either ANTI-booze or they see booze as "just fun" just get wasted and throw up on the pavement type of shit.

No.

Booze is more like that. It's choosing that unconscious bliss.

While also enhancing music, food, and words spoken.

It's building bridges with yourself and others.

And no matter how cheap what you drink and how angry people are, it's just something no other drug will ever have.
cheers!

Life is bland, people are rude, jobs impossible to find, partners are cool but can't always deal with your shit, but there's nothing as relieving as drinking alone and listening to good tunes.

After all nobody replies, who cares?

It's all fine. Everybody has a life, except those who don't lol.

And those who don't fortunately have alc to at least, have a good time without needing anybody.

Cheers (not drunk yet but will be soon)

Thought of the day lol. Just realized I can't trust anyone who doesn't bail their brains out on alc at least once in a while.

There is some intense shit only drunks can get, and nobody else.

My 2 cents

Cheers

It all feels like it's a showroom of all the mistakes I ever did in my life. Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't be that bad if it got taken in a fire and I would start anew far away.

It feels like it's my grave. Like it's keeping me stuck forever in the past.

I turned what should (could?) have been a cozy place into a hoarder's pile of shit.

That's it, that's the post

I need alc to connect to you bc you all have friends families and jobs an shit. Guess what I don't. Drinking is the only thing that fills the void. And so does music.
Cheers!!

I'm so sick of it. I need intense shit. I can't be bothered with stupid small talk that leads nowhere yet that's all people do and I constantly get ghosted.

It's driving me mad.

I reviewed all screenshots of convos I had years ago.

ALWAYS the same fucking pattern.

I always do more than the other person to keep'em, always write more than they do. And they ALWAYS leave. No matter what I do.

This world is so fucking bland and empty how do you all manage to deal with it people with BPD too?

Im not gona drink just on weekends. Weekeneds suck, they're full of crowds who enjoy doing everything they couldn't do during the week bc of the rat race in the two days the boss who never works allows them.

Now being jobless just sucks too. You get shamed, no money, and so bored you booze more which is more than ya can afford.

Fuck it haha cheers

I've been on here with different accounts ever since I got diagnosed in 2021. I'd say 2022 was my golden year on here. Made online friends, had a lot of replies when I posted and made me feel way less alone because I think only BPD people understand BPD people for real if that makes sense.

But now most the time I see posts that get at the very best a dozen replies and many get zero. Some even get downvotes (not only speaking about mine).

Anyone else feels that?

Is there an other BPD sub where people migrated or stuff?

Just wondering