u/No-Consideration2413

I fucking hate who I become when I’m high. It’s not even really a high, cus I can’t even say it makes me feel good, it’s just fucking psychosis.

I’m fine on pills. I’m fine with beer. When I mix them, and especially if I add liquor, it’s as if something else entirely takes over.

Once again, “just one beer” turned into teleporting into Saturday afternoon, taking more to “lock in” for a date, answering “when was the last time you had sex” w one month ago when I met an escort off megapersonals that very fucking morning

Anything and everything for more pleasure.

I fucking hate “pleasure”.

I lose any and all moderation. I lose all sight of myself. All sight of context, all sight of reality. All sight of restraint.

Only to find myself with the recognition of how fucking foolish I am to walk this same path as if I don’t know that the “pleasure” promised at the end of the road is emptiness and remorse.

I’m so fucking disgusted with the person I become. And I’m starting to see that I only have myself to blame.

I don’t fucking learn. But it’s time to. I’m ready to let that part of me die. I’m ready to let the part of me that makes excuses die.

I’m ready to let the part of me that has no accountability die.

Because the problem all along has been that I lie, even to myself, and somehow find myself reaching for that 3rd “just one more” pill or bag with confidence and anticipation after a beer like I haven’t lived this lesson enough to know better.

Can anyone relate? If so does this go away?

My mother is a narcissist. I’m starting to see that my dad is so under her spell he only shows emotion (often fear/desperation) in response to her acts (fake crying before breaking into an uncontrollable smile if she thinks it’s working etc)

Combined this meant that from a young age my own emotions, point of view, and perceptions were unacceptable. She’d react with anger or emotion and my dad, desperate to calm her, would get physical with me or scream in my face if I so much as disturbed her with authentic reactions. It kinda broke my spirit.

I really believed it was all my fault, that getting choked on the floor and against walls for stating my point of view was deserved. That the obligations “family” meant for me actually meant anything to my mother. That because we said we loved each other all the time - to end conversations, to have something to say to one another, anything - I was loved.

Dated a narcissist just like my mother in many ways without realizing it. Five year relationship. Actually used to think the fact that my ex would blow up so dramatically and harshly just to act as if nothing happened the next day meant it was love because that’s the love I grew up with.

The only time either of them (my ex or my mom) ever had my back was when I was having issues with the other. It was like a tug of war and I bounced between their influence for years until I recognized it and chose myself.

I try to forgive my mom. It’s easier to forgive my ex because her mom is a lot like mine and I can understand why she’d be terrified to be authentic when her closest connection rules her with shame.

But honestly, my entire nervous system was cultivated to forgive my mom, to make excuses for her behavior, to push my own emotions and so many parts of myself into my “shadow”.

I don’t feel shame anymore. I don’t walk on eggshells for anyone anymore. I recognize manipulative/deceptive people and those that are disingenuous. I call out their behavior.

I’ve learned to recognize that the fact I feel an emotion does not always mean it’s my own - I’ve started noticing context that tells me it’s the feeling of another I’m literally feeling in the absence of any reason to feel it myself.

And now that I’ve started doing that, I see that I feel almost nothing myself. It doesn’t even make me sad. It just is.

I don’t really even care to be honest, I’m trying to teach myself that it’s acceptable to feel emotions for myself, that I’m allowed to feel anger or sadness or happiness outside of the happiness of others without feeling bad for it. Trying to do the shadow work.

But it makes connecting with others harder. I can still tell their emotions and now that I trust my gut I can usually sense their intentions with me. But because of this, it’s hard to care about anyone.

Guess maybe I just need to keep focusing on accepting myself and individuating more bc I don’t always act as if I care about myself.

Officer assumed I was drunk due to time of night and seeing I had pending DUI. No body camera.

Came up to my car screaming and ordered me out of my vehicle immediately. Yelled in my face throughout field sobriety telling me I was doing terrible and trying to fuck me up.

Other officers arrived and he stopped yelling.

When i was performing well on the test in front of other officers he became angrier and produced the field breathalyzer.

Frowned at the initial read before claiming I had a .179.

Blew a .01 on the court eligible breathalyzer 45 min after recorded time of stop.

Still charged with DUI, so I have a paper license now and an attorney who stopped replying after I paid him. Had to go back to work (I work on boats so 28 days at a time) to pay the attorney so court date got pushed back.

Live in the middle of nowhere with family who tries to shame me even for this, so could use some support.

Concerned about losing ability to drive bc of some admin suspension and frustrated by the fact that I have no ID to buy nicotine or alcohol with.