u/No-Zookeepergame7853

Many years ago I was with my ex who was abusive in every way including sexually. The most traumatic thing in my life was because of him. We went to the mall and he wanted to do sexual stuff so we went behind an abandoned toys r us. He started making me blow him and then he started to masturbate onto my face. I was late on my medication and it really fucked me up, I couldn’t control my body, I couldn’t really even speak. I don’t remember if I told him to stop, but I know that it was visible that there was something really wrong with me, he ended up ejaculating on my face and pretended he only noticed something was wrong immediately afterwards. He had to practically carry me back to the mall because I couldn’t walk on my own. And when we were at the mall I remember hiding under a table from him and not understanding why. Was it still SA even though I don’t remember telling him to stop and I don’t think I was even capable of it?

Firstly I feel I should give some back ground before I go any further, I’m 22 and female and I have been SA’d quite a few times by a few different people, and I have endured CSA from my father

I’ve tried to have a healthy sex life after going through what I’ve been through and I can’t. I can’t have sex with men without feeling absolutely disgusting and getting triggered. I’m honestly repulsed by men due to my trauma but I have tried to have relationships with them in the past.

And when it comes to women I can do it but only if they don’t do anything to me and I only do stuff to them. I can’t stand any sexual acts being done on me. The one thing I want is penetration (from a female using a toy) and my body physically will NOT let me be penetrated. It gives me extreme pain and it just won’t go in because my body is so traumatized it just won’t let it happen.

I can’t even self pleasure myself because afterwards I get the extreme urge to self harm and I still feel disgusting. I can’t do anything sexual, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be touched in an intimate way again without wanting to rip my skin off.

For a long time I actually used sex as self harm, I let men hurt me and do degrading things to me not because I enjoyed it but because I was traumatized and hurting and I hated myself. I wish I could just have sex with my girlfriend and let her do things to me but I can’t. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.

I want to rip my skin off.

I’ve struggled with eating disorders since I was 10, for a few years it was anorexia but when I turned about 13 or 14 I had bulimia for years, I’m 22 now, I’d purge so hard my face got swollen and puffy and I’d see spots and a bunch of other bad stuff would happens I actually have digestive issues that I believe are caused by it. I’ve been clean for about 3 years with the occasional relapse

But I think I’m back into it, a day ago I purged so hard my throat was bleeding. I’ve purged so much I can make myself throw up without having to stick something down my throat. I just ate a big plate of fries and I purged it all up immediately after, my face was completely red and now my wrist hurts.

I don’t want to slip back into bulimia, but everytime I try to lose weight I immediately fall back into it. The only reason I haven’t been bulimic the past 3 years is because I haven’t been trying to lose weight and I’ve put on a lot of pounds.

In the past no therapist ever knows what to say to me when I talk about my bulimia, even therapists that are trained in eating disorders. And the last time I tried to get into eating disorder rehab they denied me because they said I was too severe and they couldn’t help me. I don’t really know what to do, I can’t keep ignoring my weight or I’m gonna get bigger and bigger and I’m already at an unhealthy weight of 248 pounds.

Ive been trying to go steady and just eat less but even that is triggering my bulimia, and I can’t talk to my family about it because they’ll just get mad at me and I can’t talk to my partner about it because everytime i have an eating disorder they get triggered and also develop one