u/NoBad115

Hi all! I (32F) started LTS a few weeks ago and love it. I'd like to get out of rental skates and into a pair of my own, but I have concerns due to problem feet. I currently have very bad bunions and tailor's bunions on both feet that make buying even regular shoes a challenge. I also have very high arches. My coach recommended Jacksons for a wider fit with heat molding. Is there anything I can do for the fitting process that would help ensure the skates aren't painful later? I've thought about wearing a gel cushion but am not sure if that's acceptable.

Current skill level is obviously low, but I'd like to eventually progress to basic jumps and spins. I'm 5"2' and consistently under 110 lb, typically a shoe size 6.5 US/37 EU.

Thanks to this group and therapy, I am trying to build a life that is much bigger than my uBPD mom and Edad. Through the years, my dad would gently encourage me to "get out there". My mom never directly discouraged it, but she was (and is) very dismissive of anything she wouldn't do. One example is that my husband and I spontaneously decided to go to a local sports event yesterday and her reaction was "ugh, why would you want to do *that*"?

I realized how much I avoided making my life bigger than her because of this. The feeling of saying "I'm doing (fun, maybe silly thing)" and having it constantly met with "must be nice" type responses even though she is perfectly capable of doing the same is just awful. My goal for this month was to live the way I would if she wasn't around to judge me. I went to my first roller derby game! I went to a weird interactive art installation! I scheduled my first tattoo! I signed up for a glassblowing class! I do feel some residual FOG guilt, but it turns out life can be fun and happy if you just don't tell your uBPD what you're doing.

I encourage you all to share your wins below! What are you doing in spite of your pwBPD waifing all over the place?

Has anyone gone in past years?I'm all about supporting local art, but I'd like to know more about what to expect before paying $25 per adult.

CW: brief mention of accidental animal death

Things were going well enough with my uBPD mom that I had started to feel crazy and like I was the problem. She was pleasant for once! Unfortunately, that did not last. She texted me at 7 PM last night with an "update" on one of the community cats in her neighborhood. He was very sweet and unfortunately passed away in a pretty awful fashion. My mom got the news from a neighbor, so it's not like she had the experience of finding him. She still texted me several times about how devastated she was. I already feel so lost about her behavior that I feel like a terrible person for not having empathy for her. It should be normal to go to the people we love for support, but a) she has my dad and b) that's kind of a shitty thing to just throw at someone when they're trying to have a good evening. I tried not to let it ruin my mood, but it definitely soured the night. The classic "I feel bad so everyone else has to feel bad too" is such BPD nonsense that I at least now can confirm she isn't magically cured and I'm not a bitch for thinking she's been out of line my whole life. Three good days is not representative of meaningful change.

Hoping this group can give me a reality check. I've started setting boundaries with my uBPD mom and she is reacting badly. I have support from a therapist who is fully aware of my mom's brand of unhinged, but it's still difficult.

I am really dragging from feeling obligated to talk to my mom every. single. day. If I don't, she has a meltdown about how I am punishing her. I realized this morning that a decision not to call today felt extremely loaded when for most people, being busy and not calling a parent is totally normal! I guess I just want support that I am not being cruel and rejecting for choosing not to have contact for 48 hours instead of 24. Is this a "pink rock and act like an extra loving daughter tomorrow to manage her reaction" deal?

UBPD mom has one "friend" who has been in her life for 15 years. Since covid, my mom has regarded this woman with anger and disdain since her friend was extremely casual about covid and ended up infecting several vulnerable people. A normal person would break off the friendship at that point. My mother has instead chosen to "wait for her downfall" like a cheap B movie villain and "treat her as prey". Yesterday, after yet another discussion of how she can't wait for her "friend"'s husband to die because she deserves it, I gently suggested she at least get more people in her life who she actually liked.

This set. Her. Off. She immediately got nasty and told me all of the negative things that this woman has said about me over the years, including that I just "needed to get over" an event that gave me diagnosed PTSD at 16 and that my resulting mental health struggles "were ridiculous and dramatic". I was extremely hurt by this - why would she remain close to someone who said these things for another decade?! - but remained focused and suggested that she find a book club, sewing circle, etc. I was informed that she "didn't DO assigned reading like an idiot" and all women in the craft world were stupid bitches.

I'm done. I can only control myself and try to do the opposite of what she does (focus on cultivating a diverse and supportive social circle, live my values with community service, etc). I'm grey rocking from now on and not letting her negativity affect my life.

UBPD mom just found out her brother is dying. I have no relationship with him and am finding it impossible to care in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person. She's devastated and I just...don't give a shit that she is? I don't know if it's because she's been playing up his "very scary" testing every time something remotely good happens (literally responded to me saying I got a huge promotion with "you know your uncle is getting X, I hope they don't find anything bad") or if I just am out of energy for her, but I feel like I have no heart. Is this a normal response to being raised by a BPD? Has anyone else faced this? I want to help but just feel flat and unaffected.

I'm working with a therapist on how to deal with my mid-60's uBPD mom. I've made some progress in emotionally untangling myself and I think she can sense that after 32 years, I don't need her approval. This has started a stream of anxious chatter from her on how her elderly neighbor has a terrible daughter who doesn't take care of her. According to my mom, she is a terrible daughter because she doesn't bring dinner over "three or four times a week after work" to ensure her mother eats well and isn't deeply involved in her mother's medical care. For context, this daughter has a full time job that does not offer flex time/much PTO (factory worker) and couldn't take her mother to the doctor every week even if she wanted to. I firmly told her that as long as she and my dad don't have a diagnosis of dementia or something else impairing them, they would be responsible for their own health decisions and I wouldn't be doing the whole "begging them to care for themselves" thing. She brushed over it and I don't think she knew how to respond.

Will keeping up the strong boundaries help our interactions later? Will they cause issues now? I plan on continuing to gently bring them up when appropriate but am interested to know whether they're mostly going to help me define what I'm willing to do, whether I should be ready for strong pushback, and if anyone has seen actual improvement from making expectations clear.

Longtime lurker, first time poster: I'm turning 35 soon and bought a bunch of earrings at a craft fair in a fit of "I can wear these! I'm still fun!" desperation. They are all near perfect replicas of full size food and beverage products, including dangly bags of Ruffles chips, tiny stud diet coke cans, and full circular pizzas that dangle like hoop earrings. They are super cute and I desperately want to be the kind of person who can pull them off, but I don't know where to start on incorporating them into an actual outfit. Is it really as easy as "neutral tee, black jeans, diet coke earrings"? I feel like I am overthinking this.

Style context: I work in a lab where I cannot wear earrings and live in Wisconsin in an area trapped between "rural" and "suburban". I'm typically in "jeans and a tee shirt" mode but enjoy vintage fashion and pretty dresses. I splurged on earrings because I am 5'1" and shopping at events like that often forces me into some weird "way too busty for the clothes meant for large children but way too short for the grown person clothes" territory.

My parents are located in an area of the American midwest that currently has horrible air quality due to wildfire smoke. Local authorities have advised that residents stay inside if possible, especially when health issues are involved. My uBPD mom has been spamming me with texts about how my dad is making sure she doesn't go out. It's like she's a small child with a cold having to be cautioned against doing too much, when she is actually a 65 year old woman who should know that asthma and poison air do not mix well. Nobody should have to tell her she "isn't allowed" outside, and she really shouldn't be as smug about it as she is. It's clear that she loves the attention and care of people trying to protect her health. Now that I'm out of the FOG, it creeps me out. I feel bad saying that, but the self satisfied "your dad doesn't want me anywhere near a window or being too active, I suppose I have to stay in bed" texts make my skin crawl. I know I'll catch hell later for not adding to the fawning, but I just can't. Wishing all who are in similar situations good health and good luck.

Keeping it short - I saw her yesterday and thought she might be on the edge of a blowup because she kept complaining that she "needed an Uzi on her car" for a car that cut her off. She called today and went off for twenty minutes about how she was hoping and praying that the neighbors setting off fireworks last night would be burned to death and she was "hoping for screams" because they dared to set off loud fireworks at 11:30 PM. She's always said things like this, to the point where it was normalized enough that I got in trouble in school for repeating them, but lately it seems darker. She's *still* giddy that these same neighbors threw a party in April of 2020 and several attendees "got what they deserved" and died from covid. There's a lot of her literally saying "I hate people, everyone is terrible and I hope all these idiots (die horribly)". She does not have access to a firearm and has never had violent tendencies, so I'm 99% sure it's a lot of talk. Is this a situation I need to report to someone? Record? I know if she were called on it, she would say she was joking, but I legitimately think she would be happy if these people died.

As of very recently, I have my uBPD mom on an info diet. I did not tell her that one of my cats has a minor but visible abrasion - I posted previously about how commenting that this cat felt slightly lighter led to her spiraling that the cat was dying. Kitty had this injury when I took her to the vet for her wellness check and we confirmed that we are doing everything right to help her heal. Mom is coming over for the 4th and I decided to head off the huge "my BABY is HURT" meltdown by telling her over the phone. She played it so cool that I felt crazy. The woman who was convinced this animal had "stealth giardia" out of nowhere was like "oh, yeah, sometimes animals do dumb things, she's fine 🤷🏼‍♀️". Now I feel like an asshole for thinking she would have had a huge, ruin the dinner reaction. Is this a BPD thing? Or was she just better regulated yesterday?

Edit to add: cat is thriving, still playing a ton, eating very well, drinking, litter boxing, etc. She's doing great!

I just got promoted after six years of super hard work! This is something I'm extremely proud of. I told my best friend immediately, will tell my husband tonight in person so we can celebrate, and tell my mom eventually when the excitement has died down for me. She sent me a text message last night that just said "shitty day, just petting the cat and crying my eyes out" out of nowhere and I didn't respond until 6 am today (do not disturb truly is a godsend for only seeing things when you're ready!) and I'm not about to let whatever drama she's embroiled in take away this moment I have worked so hard for!

Because I know y'all will get it: for Mother's Day, my uBPD mom demanded a full day of activities to ensure I couldn't go to my MIL's planned brunch. Father's Day? I had to convince her to let me take them both out to lunch. The man got a Subway sandwich. Apparently he has wanted one for a MONTH and my mom has said no because she wanted it to be an option for today. He's so deep in the abuse/enablement that he just takes it when she says no instead of driving himself a mile down the road to the sandwich shop. She announced that she thinks he has Parkinsons right after he opened his gift, implied he won't have many Fathers Days left, and then told me "jokingly" that she hates me for asking him about something he's passionate about because oh, my god, he might talk about something she finds boring. I'm almost upset that I found this group because now that I know the BPD behavior patterns, I can't help but see them and notice how awful she is. Every conversation is about how stupid the neighbors are, how a woman she knows got fat or isn't aging well, or something else shockingly meanspirited when you're out of the FOG. Every outing I suggested that would just be me and my dad got shot down, and I am so done that I don't even feel sad about it. He's choosing to back someone who is miserable and if that means he's miserable too, that is a him problem.

Remembering years ago when I was in a pole dance showcase and my uBPD mom absolutely flipped shit because I didn't want her or my dad there but did want my then-boyfriend. I ended up lying and saying that BF wasn't coming and she calmed down. I offered to show her a (tame) video of the show afterwards and she paid attention for about two seconds before wandering off, so I know she didn't give a shit about my act. The idea that I did not want my mom and dad at a pole studio just did not compute with her.

Years later, I have another dance show coming up (not pole) and she is badgering me about if my husband is showing up. I asked if she wanted to come and she just went "it isn't the kind of thing I'm interested in and you never let anyone come to your shows". She outright has said that she would not come unless I *really* wanted her to and has made it clear that doing so would be deeply inconvenient because she doesn't enjoy watching modern dance. Others in my life understand that attendance is an act of love and support, not just entertainment for them, and they specifically asked to come, but we have to all coordinate a lie to ensure she still thinks I don't want anyone there. I guess my question is...why does this seem to be a BPD thing? Why does she need to make sure she has more access to me than my husband when that would be deeply inappropriate? Why does she want to be begged to go to a show that, if she attended, she would review with an airy "it was nice, I don't actually know if you did well or not, but it was nice"?

My uBPD mom has been on a tear lately. I have been doing my best to set and hold boundaries, make space for myself, etc and have posted here about my intermittent success. I have seen a pattern recently and am wondering if this aligns with other people's experience of having a BPD parent.

Mid-conversation, my mom sadly said that she had a feeling that my beloved cat might be dying. I had mentioned she had lost a small amount of weight a few weeks ago, and somehow that led to her deciding that the cat was "so sweet that she wouldn't show she was in pain" and was dying of something without showing any symptoms. I managed to stay regulated and realize that at best, this was her just vomiting anxiety all over me, but I realized that it's a pattern. I called asking my dad last week for advice about car trouble on a work trip and she became fixated on the idea of me needing to find a medical mask to ensure I didn't get covid on the flight home.

Does this seem like this is just emotional contagion, or is there a chance that it's deliberate? Both of these occurred in times when she was upset with me for not calling her as much as she would like, but I am having trouble tracking down whether this is just a BPD freak out or an intentional attempt to make me anxious and punish me for perceived slights.

That's it, that's the post. I listened to a bunch of Rose Buddies on a road trip and while I understand that most of the US is currently struggling way more than we were during those days, it's still shocking to hear the difference between the guy who hosted regular watch parties with delicious sounding food and lots of red wine and the guy whose main contribution to MBMBAM is nervously telling his brothers that the product they're making is shitty. Is this just what parenthood does to people? Is he still exhausted from moving several years ago? We will never know, but it's a genuine bummer.

I recently restarted therapy with an incredible provider to focus specifically on my relationship with my uBPD parent. Between sessions, she wants me to identify the three boundaries that would help me the most. Somehow, like magic, my mom is behaving almost normally. The push pull, obvious boundary violations, hateful text messages (always about other people, not directed at me, which means she has absolutely no idea why I would tell her to knock it off), etc have paused and I don't know why. In a situation like this, do I just assume that the dam will break soon? I feel guilty for going to therapy specifically to set boundaries with her that will hurt her, and that isn't getting better now that she's at least performing normalcy.

Are these "normal" periods part of the condition? I'm honestly not used to enjoying interactions with her and am so nervous waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Tagging as humor because the BPD reasoning in this is genuinely comedic. My husband and I decided to head off the demands for Memorial Day weekend by offering to take my folks to dinner on Friday. My uBPD mom is forever complaining about how I'm just sooo busy being a wife that I no longer have time for her "even though I light up her world and it's cloudy when I'm gone".

Apparently this does not apply when she has a delivery coming that she wants to wait for, or when she wants to get yard work done, or do her errands, or any number of things that could absolutely flex around a one hour dinner. She had excuses for every day this weekend on how desperately busy at home she and my dad will be, and she can't possibly make it to a dinner reservation or have us over. I told her pretty firmly that it was her choice and that we would be making plans with others during that time. I can *feel* that she's going to suddenly have availability and then be devastated when we don't move things around to accommodate, but that's honestly too bad.

Edit: she's now pouting because she mysteriously freed up the only time that we definitely could not do, as predicted by many of you psychics.

I took all the supportive advice from this crowd and just...didn't call my mom today to be talked at. I texted her the truth (I had a very long, physically and mentally taxing day at work) and let her know I would catch up tomorrow with an update on (important work thing she definitely should know about but probably doesn't).

She left me on read, which should feel fine, but it doesn't. It's like I can feel her seething at me from miles away and hear the tantrum she is having at my dad. Does this feeling go away? It's like I can predict that she is incredibly unregulated and have to help calm her down even though I'm nowhere near her. I am meeting with a new therapist next week and am hoping she can help me sort through stuff, but for now, things are painful in a way I didn't expect.