I thought it was impossible, what the fuck is happening to me? What do i even do? It's a developmental thing right? So why the fuck do i scream "HEY" and "FUCK YOU" and grunt n shit all the time even though I don't want to? What the fuck???
Recently I've been insanely promiscuous, I'm craving an insatiable amount of junk food and snacks suddenly, i started cutting my own pristine hair i grew out over 12 years and freaked the fuck out after fucking it up. Earlier i practiced stopping bloodflow to the brain. Not feeling like myself and I've lost a sense of reality it feels. Dissociating maybe? Idk, I'm scared. Why the fuvk am i acting like this. For the first time ever I'm constantly fucking irritable
So I've struggled with suicidal ideation for almost 2 years. It's taken different forms in a way? (Hard to explain but not fully relevant anyway). I have 2 attempts that should have worked and 1 that... I backed out of *after* starting it.
It wasn't until later that I realized my emotional state and thought patterns dipping to that point was literally only a couple hours. I'm always unstable sure, but so impulsively trying to actually end it. No date, no external preparation, nothing. That's unusual and i was always under the impression that impulsive suicidal tendencies are rare or not real? That's what i was told anyway. Am i crazy? Am i just histrionic?