u/NoMoreScaryDreams

I have diagnosed ADHD and Dyslexia and honestly, I’m at a point where I feel like I can’t keep up anymore because my symptoms. Unfortunately, I think the workload is making them even worse (two hours of sleep a night makes reading the next day even harder).

I’m terrified that if I get accommodations going to be ostracized by my department. Sometimes people are so cut throat here… the things I overhear make me feel like the smallest sign of ‘weakness’ will lead to lost opportunities and respect.

I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just drop out entirely.

Essentially a group of colleagues and I went out for dinner, and there was a moment where we were trying to determine who should take over for a committee at work. None of us wanted to do it, so it became a bit of sycophantic flattery where people would say "Ohhhh but Debra- you're sooooo organized. You'd be perfect!" or "You're so friendly and welcoming Dave, people would love you!". Everyone basically was playing this game until it got to me. I was told "well you have a car, so it would be easier for you take the role on".

It hurt my feelings in the moment. Especially after dinner ended and one of my colleagues asked me for a ride home. This same colleague wrote me a birthday card a month prior that mainly said "thanks for giving me rides" . Which sucks because we've hung out a lot outside of work, she's been to my house, we've seen multiple movies together, and I even helped her find a roommate when she was unable to find a place to live.

One of my cowokers/friends talked to me afterwards and said it was so weird that they did that to me. And that it was coming from a place of disrespect.

I don't know what to think. It feels like I shouldn't really trust or be friendly with these people anymore because I'm not being treated particularly well. But maybe that would be me overreacting.

I’m sorry if this post isn’t very relevant. I’m just really looking for advice, woman to woman. But honestly, kind of person to person.

I just had a dinner with my colleagues, all women, and had one of the worst panic attack of my life afterward. I feel so doomed and helpless.

My whole life is my PhD. There‘s no room for anything else. I barely get to speak with my family… I call my mom maybe twice a month and our phone calls last about five minutes. Thats all the family connection I have here

I haven’t called or spoken to my friends back home in months. And I don’t trust anyone in my program enough to be close to them. Everyone talks about everyone, my life business would become everyone’s business.

I have no emotional support here. None. There’s no one to call when I need help. I spend so much of the time in complete silence alone.

I’ve been living like this for 8 months and I‘m at a breaking point. I realized over dinner that my colleagues don’t respect me and that I’m mostly like the office weirdo/dunce. These are the only people I have in my life.

Everything that’s gone wrong over the past year is hitting me so hard. My heroin addicted father‘s rapidly failing health, my partner/bestfriend cheating on me and ghosting me for another woman, losing my entire neighborhood and most of my belongings in a flood. I fee like I’m in a nightmare. I tell myself everyone has their hardships but then I look around and see that, no, none of what I’m going through is normal.

I’ve told people in my program about these things, and it’s so unusual, I feel like they think I’m an over exaggerating liar. I feel so isolated. So looked down. So mutilated by my life circumstances. I can’t take it

I know this sounds so unserious- but I really mean it. I feel like what I'm doing wont matter anyhow or benefit humanity. I see these oppressive power dynamics everywhere, I write about them extensively, and I don't know... I feel doomed.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm working for.

I mean that in every sense. I don't know who is benefitting from my work. I don't know what purpose my work serves in the world. I don't really know why I'm doing this anymore.

This isn't something that's going to be solved by leaving the PhD. If anything, the PhD opened my eyes to how this is inescapable. It feels so clear that there is an existential crisis happening that we've become numb to. How can I keep working when I see the work perpetrates a system that is running itself into the ground?

I just finished The Wretched of the Earth, and I'm sick. I just don't understand what the hell I'm doing. We are not supposed to live like this. This isn't a broken system- there isn't supposed to be a system in the first place. This is so existential that is feels like cosmic terror. What have we done to the Earth? What have we done to the bodies of plants and aninals? What are we doing to ourselves? How much more control and mastery does there need to be? When will it end? Why does freedom feel like a flickering light that's going out?

What will be left? I'm serious. In the next 2000 years what will be left?

I want out, but what is left has been destroyed. There are no other viable options. So I have to keep working. But what for?

I feel like the absolute worst. I'm working as a TA with my advisor and majority of my cohort this semester. This happened last week:

We were supposed to have 50% of our grading done by Thursday to cross compare averages... but I totally forgot about this. I thought we just needed to get our grades in by Friday night. So I didn't do anything.

I came to the meeting on Thursday totally unprepared and my advisor said they're "not angry- just disappointed" to me in front of my peers, explaining that I get paid to work 15 hours a week and that she could treat this as a contract violation. Additionally, she had a harsh reprimand for another one of my coworker/friends. I feel like I pulled an innocent bystander down with me- it was all my fault.

I can't really look my advisor in her eyes, this isn't the first time she's told me she's disappointed in me or "mortified" of my lack of preparedness. I feel like this person really does not like me at all.

I also feel alienated from my cohort after that. I feel radioactive and that I reek of failure, I don't think anyone wants to be associated with me. I also just feel awful that the youngest member of the team got pulled into the fire with me. She left work early after that, and I just know she's beating herself up for a mistake that is my issue.

Maybe I don't belong here if I can't keep up with the logistics. I love theory, writing with these high level concepts, and research. But my organizational skills to manage administrative tasks feel nonexistent, and honestly, I think that's the part that actually matters here...

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong or how to fix this. The work load I've had is so insane, I work until midnight and get up at 2AM to stay on top of it. I eat every other day.

I cannot function. I cannot think. I feel brain damaged. The more I struggle, the slower I move, the more time I have to spend working. The less I can rest. Downward spiral.

On top of this my advisor tells me that I'm mortifying and "they're not angry, they're disappointed". I'm so tired, I don't even really remember getting reprimanded, my colleagues (who were also reprimanded), had to remind me what was said because I forgot. My other colleague has told me I'm actively getting bullied by administration and that I need to change advisors ASAP before it's completely out of control. I'm so exhausted, I can't even tell that I'm being treated weirdly. Let alone have to capacity to do something about it.

I can't tell the difference between dream and reality. Every email makes my blood pressure skyrocket.

I talked about transferring with a graduate student support center. I don't know what they said. My notes are illegible. I can't understand what people are saying. And at this point people aren't really able to understand what I'm saying anymore either.

I'm so tired, I can't get my head above the water.