u/NoWeed_App

Not to sound like a self-centered fool, but as I've been working I've been listening to piano versions of popular songs, and it's makes me want to cry. And boys don't cry.

I keep thinking about all the lost friendships (non-partiers) that I have pissed away. And all the opportunities that I have f'd up or brushed off because of my serious, decades long, hardcore consumption of weed.

The way I would crave above almost all else the elixir that has been my smoky lover. The way I sweetly gaze at her beautiful crystals. And her skunky perfume that stimulates my deepest desires to escape and explore the ether of nothingness.

And to escape...from what?

I think about how smart I think I am. Yet, when I honestly look myself in the mirror it is not the real reflection of that which is. What is really there is a bloodshot, droopy-eyed, bulldogged face of a man with polluted lungs.

And all the times I have cutback or "quit", yet I seem to continually return to her embrace thinking there is a there...there.

Not to sound like a self-centered fool, but as I've been working I've been listening to piano versions of popular songs, and it's makes me want to cry. And boys don't cry.

I keep thinking about all the lost friendships (non-partiers) that I have pissed away. And all the opportunities that I have f'd up or brushed off because of my serious, decades long, hardcore consumption of weed.

The way I would crave above almost all else the elixir that has been my smoky lover. The way I sweetly gaze at her beautiful crystals. And her skunky perfume that stimulates my deepest desires to escape and explore the ether of nothingness.

And to escape...from what?

I think about how smart I think I am. Yet, when I honestly look myself in the mirror it is not the real reflection of that which is. What is really there is a bloodshot, droopy-eyed, bulldogged face of a man with polluted lungs.

And the many times that I have cutback or "quit", yet I seem to continually return to her embrace thinking there is a there...there.

Sometimes I wonder if I should go dark on all media. Will I be happier if I buy that brand of toothpaste? Maybe brighter teeth and fresher breath are the key to...

Two days ago I finished the "last" 1/8th that I bought from my nearest dispensary. Yesterday I picked out a leftover roach from the dirt....and smoked it. Sometimes I wonder if my problem is simply due to an ingrained, low self esteem.

I've got to learn to let go of my seductress. My sweet secret lover who knows me so well. She knows my weaknesses and strengths. She knows my soul. She is not sugar and spice and everything nice. She is my primary vice. Why do I seek her when I know she's stealing my zest for life? Why must I ask this more than twice?

I'm am constantly having to remind myself to not let my ancestral, tribal nature turn me into a sucker.

I try to listen to the better me (ya, the one that's here now). Monitor what I see, smell, taste, and feel; that is, I constantly have to watch my lust for that intoxicating skunky sunk smell: that rich crystally taste and smooth warmth of smoky smoke as it envelopes me with that feeling of everything being alright when I'm about to go over a cliff. What cliff..?

I constantly have to exercise the necessity to remind myself that the path to a better me is the sober one.

That I must intoxicate myself with laughter, love and happiness even when I am jonesing like a M***F***!!!!!

Damn.

I know that I have to get away from my "friends" so I don't continue to trap myself into a Truth Bias that subconsciously convinces me that nothing is wrong and it's all good because my friends are doing it too.

I been living life of false-based, self manipulation. I've got to stop taking the lazy route and reroute. Re-program and tell weed to F** off.

Shit....

I'm am constantly having to remind myself to not let my ancestral, tribal nature turn me into a sucker.

I try to listen to the better me (ya, the one that's here now). Monitor what I see, smell, taste, and feel; that is, I constantly have to watch my lust for that intoxicating skunky sunk smell: that rich crystally taste and smooth warmth of smoky smoke as it envelopes me with that feeling of everything being alright when I'm about to go over a cliff. What cliff..?

I constantly have to exercise the necessity to remind myself that the path to a better me is the sober one.

That I must intoxicate myself with laughter, love and happiness even when I am jonesing like a M***F***!!!!!

Damn.

I know that I have to get away from my "friends" so I don't continue to trap myself into a Truth Bias that subconsciously convinces me that nothing is wrong and it's all good because my friends are doing it too.

I been living life of false-based, self manipulation. I've got to stop taking the lazy route and reroute. Re-program and tell weed to F** off.

Shit....

You know I'm kind of new to reddit and this community, but I'm OG when it comes to weed, ganja, cannabis. I used to be in love with it. It was my best friend and lover. The smell of her. The feel and the taste. And don't get me going on the crystals...oooooh, the crystals.

But I would like to think those days are behind me. A whisper of the past like smoke in the wind. Ephemeral decisions born from questionable reasoning....didn't ever say that I'm the sharpest.

And something I've noticed here is there is a lot of complaining going on. It would be nice if some of you all would talk about the upsides of being sober....and there are a lot. Please don't get me wrong because jonesing for said sweetness is a perennial mosquito buzzing my ears. Oh man could I wail about that.

What makes this community nice for me is it reminds me that I am not alone. And I appreciate that.

But come guys....gals. We are or are trying to be sober (or less stoned) for good reasons. Reasons that should and will make you a better and happier person. At least that is what I hope for myself and you all. So be happy. Have fun being sober. You'll actually remember that last concert and be able to relive the joy from the memories for the rest of your life.

Anyway, I'll get off my high horse now and starting scooping up the sh**.

Take care and happy trails.