u/No_Hope_7240

Movies with only one sided love from a male to female through the entire film with no chance of being with her or maybe approaching? All movies I searched weren't the exact thing I wanted , I wanna a movie where the lead have feelings for a person and fear or other reasons make him refuse to approach and maybe regret and depression and anxiety

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get this off my chest tonight.

I don't usually like sharing my thoughts online. Not for any specific reason, I just always feel like my problems are not that important and maybe talking about them would annoy people more than help anyone.

But tonight feels different. I'm dealing with a mix of anxiety and panic attacks and I feel really overwhelmed. Maybe writing this here will help a little. I also want to know if anyone else went through something similar.

I don't want to make this too long. I think my life has been pretty rough since childhood, but I know there are people who had it worse. I don't have suicidal thoughts. Actually, I'm terrified of death. Sometimes I stay awake all night because of it. At least two nights every week I barely sleep because of anxiety. Most of my panic attacks happen at night and only start getting better when morning comes. It got so bad that I can hardly leave the house anymore because panic attacks in public became too embarrassing.

A lot of my depression and anxiety comes from what happened to my father. When I was 9 years old he developed kidney failure. While trying to get a kidney transplant, doctors also found out he had a type of blood cancer at the same time. That made the whole situation much worse. For 8 years our lives were basically centered around illness. I was 17 when he died.

I think I was too young to process everything properly. I escaped into movies, TV shows, memes, and anything entertaining. During my teenage years I also became addicted to pornography. Looking back, maybe I was trying not to feel the reality that my father was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. Not because we didn't have enough money, but because having both diseases made the chances of recovery very small. Sometimes it felt like fate was laughing at us.

My father died in 2022. And the hardest part is that he didn't die from kidney failure or cancer. He took his own life because he couldn't handle the pain anymore.

I found him.

The memory is so painful that I honestly can't even remember all the details anymore. Whenever I think about it too much, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.

The months after his death were exactly what you'd expect. Depression, grief, anger, confusion. Somehow I survived it. I really thought I had made it through the worst part.

I felt like I had to keep going because that's what my father would have wanted.

Then I fell back into pornography addiction and started eating huge amounts of sugar. Part of me hoped it would numb the pain. At the time I even had childish thoughts like maybe if I ruined my health enough, I could die without having to hurt myself directly. Looking back, it wasn't rational, but that's where my mind was.

Then things actually started getting better.

I was never a great student and honestly didn't think I would even get into university. Somehow I got accepted. My grades during the first year were excellent. For the first time in a very long time, it felt like my life was moving somewhere. During those 8 years I never really had time to imagine a future.

I also fell in love. And for the first time in my life, those feelings were returned instead of being another one-sided crush.

Then war started in my country.

And once again it felt like fate was making a joke at our expense.

Since 2023 life has been a nightmare again. The war is still going on and every day feels worse than the one before it.

Honestly, all I want is a break. Just once. I need a day to breath again like a fucking normal human being

I don't dream about being rich or famous. I want simple things. Friends. Family. A job. Love. The ability to walk outside without having a panic attack.

These don't feel like impossible dreams, but sometimes it feels like life doesn't even want to give me those.