u/No_Sale1972

Happy Friday everyone!

Kudos to this band for calling this shit out. 🤘 🎸

Firstly, it’s a huge relief to find this subreddit, especially after my own experience of getting caught in an unethical setup. I recently came out of a D/s dynamic that suddenly imploded six months ago after I finally stood my ground. I stated that I was unprepared to feel contaminated by another person in my relationship, and I’ve been reeling from that loss ever since, even knowing how toxic it was.

I absolutely despise the way polyamory is being fraudulently used as a shield to absolve certain individuals of emotional maturity, safety, ethical practice, and just being a decent human being. I feel like this behaviour is slowly being normalised. I’ve even heard people justify it by saying, "the animal kingdom is poly, so it must be natural." Call me old-fashioned, but I’d like to think we are sophisticated enough to be more than just slightly evolved primates driven to sleep with anything and everything. And all this "I have so much love to give" rhetoric is utter crap. Split love and split attachment is not love.

In my case, I had an entitled Domme whose BS I felt forced to tolerate. She insisted she wasn't poly, yet she wanted to keep both me and a male sub. It hurt us both deeply. We were constantly compared, reduced, and made to feel like we weren't whole individuals. The massive hypocrisy was that she didn't want either of us having other relationships or dynamics. It was essentially one-way monogamy so she could enjoy total devotion and loyalty while having her cake and eating it too. Ultimately, it backfired; I walked away, and I’m pretty sure he is gone now, too.

Looking back, I think she dealt with a lot of internalized homophobia. She wanted a female "bit on the side" while seeking her mother’s approval. Her mother fawned over the male sub like he was the best thing since sliced bread, viewing F/F relationships as not "proper," even though her daughter openly admitted he wasn't enough because he couldn't provide what a woman could. She even reassured me (and you'll love this one) that "When me and her are together, he does not exist." To which I retorted back "Ohhh just like I likely don't exist and get erased when you and he are together too then hey?" She just looked blankly at me, didn't know what to say and cowardly shut down. Apparently I should have also been reassured that I would not be getting any less love, because she can just offer her 'love' but 'doubled' because she had 'so much love to give'... despite the fact she then back pedalled and said 'I do not have romantic feelings for you'.

All this after telling me we belong together in each other's arms, telling me dreams she had about me and gazing into my eyes at dinner and breakfast at a fancy hotel WHICH I FUCKING PAID FOR, after she nudged me to do so. Yes I must have the word MUG written across my forehead and I know she fully exploited me for a luxury hotel, for dinner and for intimacy.

Things finally came to a head when I refused to be compartmentalised anymore. True to form, the cold, dismissive discard came the very next day. She immediately began retconning what we had, rewriting narratives to suit her, and backpedaling on everything she had ever told me about what our bond meant.

Before the end, I called her out on the same "poly" crap she claimed not to subscribe to. I told her, "So let me get this straight: you want sexual dynamics with two people, neither of whom are allowed to have other romantic relationships, so you can have us both to yourself...but you can't offer that same loyalty back? Just, nope."

The double standards were there from the start. When we first began our dynamic, she hated that I had been flirting with another woman online the site we met.. way before we even started interacting. I immediately rushed to reassure her and said i had nit interacted with her in weeks, all while she was incessantly flirting with a guy and thirsting over his nudes. She claimed she didn't want to feel "jealous" because she was "a little possessive."

Since the split, I’ve said my piece and have kept her blocked for nearly five months. I am still very much in the process of healing. I feel disgusted by how she used me for my time, my money, my energy, and my devotion. She would never even admit to her being poly and her exploitation of me, just that she never went out to hurt and use me and that she was 'sorry for that'.

Fuck these people, they are users, they are parasites and they are leeches, the lot of them.

What is the current energetic headspace of my ex-Domme regarding our ending, and what are her unexpressed feelings or intentions toward reconnecting with me?

TIA

I think you got scared.

I think you never anticipated what this would bring up within you. So you created a sudden death by rewriting the narrative, gaslighting me, and in belittling me to make your exit easier.

Then you likely scurried back to your slave boy who never challenged you, folds like a cheap tent and lets you use him like a doormat. Well in case it hasn’t already happened you’re likely bored of that now as you ready showed these signs for months beforehand.

If you want to roll down in the dirt with that then go ahead on.

I think you feared the loss of control and experienced your vulnerability hangover. So to “tidy things up”, you declutterred and discarded, leaving me with the wreckage.

A wreckage I’ve been trying to sort through for over four and a half months and it’s still going on. I don’t think I could ever forgive you for your level of disrespect, especially at the end. You kicked me whilst I was down and twisted the knife in my back just for good measure.

I never thought you were that cruel. I thought you were a little cold at times I admit. I also felt you could be harsh and distant. But I did believe that during our time together that you at least had integrity and some softness and warmth underneath that frosty exterior. At least that was my hope, yet I was sadly mistaken and until you commit to doing the work you need to do, then you will just go on hurting people.

Yet I am still trying to heal.

I approach you nervously

A tentative message

I’m curious but shy

We form our alliance

It’s swifter than expected

Maybe we should have been friends at first

At least that’s what I felt deep down

But I wanted to please.

/////////

We get to know each other

Questions asked, I’m on a tightrope

What if I give the wrong answer?

A film choice

An act of service 

An opinion

Or a need to overcompensate. 

But I wanted to please.
/////////

I’m quizzed on interacting with another

It was before your time

Yet I never bring up continual ‘loves’,  

Nor comments for one particular male

It’s a threat, I brush it off

I’m feeling the heat, and loud hypocrisy

It’s all on your terms

But I’m eager to please.

/////////

We get a little closer now 

But he’s coming to visit

The reality and envy kicks in

And all I want is reassurance

But you cut me down with coldness.

And give me only this

One sentence, five words in four days.

I’m sore and silent, it’s not fair

But I still wanted to please.

/////////

It’s Saturday gone 1am and still silence

There is it in black and white.

Heeled feet upon a nude footstool.

Bound in handcuffs

I’m abandoned, you’re rubbing it in my face 

You shrug,

“I’m sorry you feel that way”

It’s not an apology

I repress my deeper feelings

But I still wanted to please.
/////////

You withhold your previous warmth

I’m being punished

I really want to make this work

No sweet gestures nor goodnight rituals

Distance on calls but commands for tasks

I’m to wear it for you and take a picture

But there’s been no holding.

There’s been little care 

But I do it still…

Because I really wanted to please.
/////////

Stories are written and history is shared.

Yet I’m being breadcrumbed

I open my heart, trying to reach you.

The muted responses tell me

I’m already taken for granted 

I withdraw a while and then you ask

“You seem quiet, is everything ok?”

I want to tell you but I hold back 

I’m still trying to please. 

/////////

We’re in an emotional stalemate

This is really hard work

Do you think my heart is not in this?

I take the plunge and ask to meet

Your tone begins to shift 

You warm up to me now

And maybe, just maybe…

I’m beginning to please.

/////////

The countdown begins

A meet become to a plan to stay

I think you must really like me

I’m swept up, taken in, I finally belong 

Yet the shadow of his jealousy remains 

He wants to intrude and I’m furious 

You tell him no but defend his reasoning 

I’m enraged but pressured to contain it

As I’m really wanting to please 

/////////

The fifth of the final month arrives

And we finally meet

I’m feeling safe in your arms

I tremble in your care

Finally submitting 

My head in your lap

Have I come home?

I’m so happy 

And I feel, I’m finally pleasing you 

/////////

I proudly display my token 

A velvet bond around my neck 

A symbol of our bond

Of your care and my loyalty to you

But you won’t love it because of him

And he’s crowding our dynamic again

You preferred me to show you first 

Before displaying devotion to the world 

I only ever wanted to please.

/////////

Christmas Eve dawns 

After fantasies discussed 

You seem colder, more distant

It’s just festive stress maybe

Have I showed too many cards?

I’m in a Cold War with him 

But you try and reassure otherwise

I’m doubting if I can still please 

/////////

It’s New Years Eve

My illusion is shattered

I was not really special after all 

Just equal to the rest

A diamond reduced to glass

No longer a bright treasured gem

Tears fall, pleading for this to make sense 

I think it’s now game over 

And I know I can no longer please

/////////

It’s New Years Day

A cold cutting goodbye

It’s a sudden death

I’m emotional, you’re ‘stoic’

Narratives re-written to serve 

“It never really meant as much to me”

I’m numb and I realise

I could never really please

/////////

I stumble back ‘there’ to say goodbye

A graveyard once a playground 

I’m feeling lost, I no longer belong

There I see it, a new betrayal

A ‘love’- for one Domme, her two subs

A ‘perfect triangle’ 

I’m feeling erased, disgusted, I have to leave

You want me to stay - it’s dead to me now 

I don’t care if I please 

/////////

I’m exhausted and wounded

Mourning but you can’t see it 

I’m trying to survive 

For what it was worth, 

I tried my best to please 

But I never even stood a chance 

So I need to wake up and realise 

I could never, ever please.

///////

Comments:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ta35r4/comment/ol7s4ie/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ta83aw/homesick/

I never want to hear from you nor see you again and I say this with all the respect I 'once' held for you. I have no interest in what you are doing, who you are with, or what your life has become without me.

The truth is, it was my passion, my energy, my effort and my imagination that carried us both and now I see there is nothing you have to offer. You are dull to me now.

This was not a decision made in the heat of the moment; it was the culmination of everything I had to keep to myself, endure, and process. It's been months of pain and internal processing I have had to carry on my own. I learned that not everything that one desires at one point in their lives is meant to be kept and cherished. There are people who no matter how much they may mean to you in those moments, also represent the very things you are no longer willing to live through again. The humiliation, the double standards, the gaslighting and the hypocrisy.

This is not coldness; it is simply staying true to myself and calling things out as I see clearly now.

There are things best left in the past, and you are one of them. If our paths ever cross again, I ask of you a favour. That you look at me as if I were a stranger as if we had never meant anything to one another. You are not a fond memory for me, you are a part of my past laced with remorse, regret and deep shame.

There are no longer any questions, no longer any interest, and no longer any room for you in my life. You at least killed that through showing your cowardice and your total avoidance at the end. You barely showed any effort, interest and commitment for me during our time together. You took, you consumed and you played the game all on your terms all whilst knowing you were hurting me and another in the process. Your greed was the undoing of what could have been a beautiful connection. You traded diamonds for scraps all because you wanted quantity over quality. You lied to my face and twisted the narrative all to suit your self serving needs and now you are paying the price - loneliness.

The pain I endured has taught me never to look back. So, this is not resentment; it is closure. It is choosing peace over habit, dignity over nostalgia, and silence over any attempt to revive something that has already come to an end.