u/No_Serve_4888

so ive been actually TRYING for the first time ever to stay clean from sh but it's only been a 6 days and i keep thinking "yeah imma sh later cuz i feel like shit" but then remember i have to actually TRY not to and its SO FUCKING HARD and idk how much longer i can go. and also last week i swear i actually went insane. i cut to the deeper part of the dermis layer of skin (which ive never done before) like five different times and i was only able to stay clean for barely a day. also last week wasnt much worse than a normal week but i was much more suicidal than normal for absolutely no reason and i still dont know why (btw as of rn in my current situation im not going to act on it so dw but i do know it wont take much more shit to push me there) i just feel like a pitiful piece of shit that cant deal with life without fucked up coping mechanisms even though so many people have it so much worse :,)

i keep seeing people talk about how their shower stings after cutting but i dont experience that. sometimes the water might hurt healing cuts but its just because of the force of smth hitting it. and even if the cuts are still bleeding i dont feel a sting. idk if this is js a me thing or smth else