I'm all alone in the world.
Everybody else seems to be making friends, getting approached by people, and being happy, but not me. People just walk past me without saying a word. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what more I'm supposed to do. I've tried everything I could, and now I'm lost.
I'm a 19yo male going on 20. I'm in my second year of community college, and I still haven't made any friends. I've gotten some people's numbers, but they've never called or texted me. I always have to be the one to reach out first, and I don't understand why. For years, no one has come to my birthday parties except for my mom, my grandma, and some other family members, but not a single person to call a friend. And I've never gotten an invite to anything either. Every time I heard that someone was having a party or something, and I muster up the courage to ask if I can go, they just say no. It's so confusing.
By the time I got to the 12th grade, I stopped trying, and I figured that people would just come to me eventually. But no. Everybody has someone approach them eventually, for whatever reason. But every time I just sit there, not busy with anything, no one comes by. They don't even say hello. Why? Would it kill you to say hello to someone who isn't doing anything? I'm clearly doing something wrong. I'm tired of waiting for people to approach me, but at the same time, I have no idea what to say. Every time I think about approaching somebody, I just pause, and I walk away and sit down by myself.
I've never had that good of a connection with anybody in my past school years, other than my assigned paras. I never had the opportunity to actually make a lasting friendship. I was supposed to learn from my experiences, but they were all terrible. And I don't know who can help me. I've gone to so many therapists in the past, and none of them were able to reach me. I've barely even begun living yet, and I feel like I'm already beyond saving.
And nobody, not even my parents, seems to understand what I'm going through. They don't seem to care at all. They say that they've never even seen me smile. When I tell them I don't have the ability to smile naturally, they say it's because of autism. But it's more than just that. When are you even supposed to smile? I don't know, because I can barely even identify how I feel at the moment, nor how I'm even supposed to feel.
Apparently, that's called alexithymia, which is also an aspect of autism. But no, you just don't understand. If I don't even know where to smile, or when to smile, or why to smile, then why should I smile at all? What is there to smile about if everyone just seems to pass you by for a reason that's beyond your understanding? Wearing a fake smile is just putting on another mask on top of the one I'm already wearing. And I'm tired of wearing masks. But I don't even know where to begin.