u/Noodlerr98

I keep finding contradictory information about this. Some places say they have all this heresy-era weaponry, other places say they're fighting with garbage. Given that the space marines have received all kinds of upgrades both to themselves and their equipment, it kind of seems to me that chaos space marines more often appear like the underdogs fighting with sticks and rocks vs the brand new weapons of the space marines.

The practical reason I got a PhD was that I need one for my career, but the underlying and much more powerful reason I was drawn to getting a PhD is that having a PhD undeniably impressive. A bachelor's or master's isn't difficult enough or rare enough to meet this threshold of achievement I have in my head, but a PhD is. It is permanent, indisputable proof to myself and everyone else that I am worth something. It is the bedrock upon which I can built my house of self-worth.

In school, I always thought of myself as "second-tier smart", meaning above average, but not among the smartest kids. I've also always been an insecure person, and as a result I'm kind of obsessed with prestige. I even chose my research area partly based on how prestigious I thought it was. Someone from my high school who was probably the smartest person in my year, the typical high-achiever with perfect grades, just so happened to end up also doing a PhD at my same university, and I thought "wow, if I'm doing exactly as well as him, I must really be doing well".

I actually had a pretty miserable time doing my PhD, but I never seriously considered dropping out because it just felt unthinkable to me. It felt like death sentence for my ego. I know it's pathetic, but it's the truth. I just wanted to know if anyone else has similarly unhealthy reasons for doing a PhD.

TL;DR: I did a PhD instead of going to therapy lmao.

I passed my viva in December last year, and my (extensive) corrections were approved in June, so I'm going to graduate soon, but I feel absolutely nothing about it. I'm glad that I haven't failed, and a PhD is essential for my career, but 4.5 years of isolation, confusion, and unbearable stress has destroyed any sense of joy I may have felt about graduating. I'm choosing to graduate in absentia mostly because the act of celebrating would be a lie to me.

I felt happy when I got my undergraduate degree because I felt like it was worth the effort, but this PhD definitely wasn't worth the misery. I feel like it was unreasonably, inhumanely hard. At my most stressed points, I went through what I'm now pretty sure are psychotic episodes, and I was always too busy to look into mental health treatment, so I just feel angry that I put myself through it at all. If I had known how horrible it would be, I would've picked a different career.

Does anyone else feel something similar to this, even if not as extreme? Everyone else always seems to be so happy at the end of their PhD.

when chris says to dave something along the lines of "you're nothing but an ugly old arsehole", I don't remember the exact quote but he definitely says "arsehole"