u/NymeriaDarkstar

I had my 3rd session today (at home on my own). The tremors actually travelled up my torso for the first time. I started crying. I had some vague childhood memories replaying in my head, like the night we ran away from my father, but I didn't feel like I was crying about them. It felt like a more generic crying about life. The word "fear" was stuck in my head. I also kept thinking "sorry" at the end. I wonder if that's my inner child blaming herself for everything. Has anyone had experiences like this where you're thinking of specific words?

I got a lot of help on these forums, so figured I might offer my perspective too if anyone needs it. I'm female, late twenties, FA. I've had 2 relationships (both over a year and both including some form of breakup/reconciliation) and one situationship. I've been both dumper and dumpee. My baseline is avoidance, but I can be triggered into anxiety if I start feeling abandonment, depending on the situation.

I'm going out to do some chores, but will respond in a couple of hours.

I'm a tiny, underweight woman who lived her whole life in fear due to abuse. My life is pretty decent right now. I live in a safe area, so I'm not usually afraid for my physical safety. But the social/emotional fear and the low self-esteem persist despite therapy. If someone attacks me verbally or criticises me, I would never stand up for myself. I will start shaking and crying. I have a lot of repressed rage, but I'm always freezing.

I wonder if picking up some combative sport will help me feel more self-assured and better able to stand up for myself. Has anyone tried this? And does the physical aspect of self-defence translate to the emotional level? Like I know it will definitely help me feel physically safer, but do you feel emotionally safer and more assertive too? Does it help you take up more space in the room and stand up for yourself during conflict? Do you feel like it's made a difference to your fight or flight response?

I grew up with an abusive parent. My coping strategy was hyper-vigilance, maladaptive daydreaming, and trying to stay invisible at all cost. I think it's the invisibility that did this to me. I just remember being constantly terrified of being noticed. I wouldn't speak unless spoken to. Even when I spoke, my voice was basically a whisper.

I'm in my late twenties now, I can speak fine. But I can't raise my voice. My ex once made a comment how he had never heard me shout. I feel like I can't shout even if my life depends on it. Not like it's physically impossible, but there is a mental block. The other day, I had to shout something to my flatmate from the other room, and she didn't hear me. When I realised I had to raise my voice higher, I got so uncomfortable, I just texted her instead.

Anyone else had this and found a way to get over it? I'm doing CAT and somatic therapy.