u/OKULTRA_lp

This is my first post here. Just some pasta and meat

I'm 20 years old yet unfortunatetly still heavily dependent on my mother. I fight to become more independent everyday, althrough depression and autism plus the way she has raised me to depend on her and not leave her makes it harder. Still, my biggest goal right now is to manage to learn to become independent and find a way to leave.

I am going to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. My mother is the type of person who thinks taking meds for your mental health is only going to ruin you and she literally thinks I will get better from my anxiety and depression if I drink lemonade everyday(??) she's obsessed with cure by nature and stuff like that. I still drink lemonade often and it definitely doesn't do shit for my mental health aside from being a little tasty treat.

Anyway, last night we ended up getting into this subject and she kept insisting that I should open up to her, that if there's anything bothering me or anyone hurting me or anything I should tell her so she can support me. I've heard that shit many times before. During all my life she has said since I was a kid that I should tell her absolutely everything. And aside from when people were bullying me, all that I learned is that when she found out anything about who I am that she didn't agree with, she would get aggressive and force me to believe I was wrong for feeling this way and that I was just mistaken, not before making me feel like a disgusting sinner and make me have to hide in the closet again. Nowadays she knows I'm an adult and that she can't stop me, so I'm out to her, yet she still get aggressive often if I disobey her orders or if I don't shave (I have a whole post about that). She also migenders me literally ALL the time I'm with her, especially since our language is very gendered, and even puts my deadname on our shared computer's password so I have to type it everyday.

I ended up mentioning that one of the things that definitely don't help my days is the fact that she keeps misgendering me and explained that it feels like being slapped in the face repeatedly. She said that she has all right not to agree with my identity. Then I asked her if I were to do something for myself that she doesn't agree with but that doesn't impact her, if she'd try to stop me (I was in my head referring to pursuing testosterone but I didn't say that to her), she paused for a second, seeming curious by what I meant by that before saying that it's my life and I get to decide what to do. I felt suspicious, but now I'm genuinely considering pursuing testosterone even if under her roof.

But then what really ruined last night was that I accidentally bumped and broke something really important to me. It was parts of a detailed statue that I designed and built with two of my friends for university last year and put a really long time of work into. We were all so proud of it. The moment the statue broke, I burst into tears, my friends mean so much to me and I can't believe I could be so careless and ruin something they put their trust into letting me be the one to keep and I don't think I can even tell them. I feel incredibly awful and couldn't stop crying, yet while I was sobbing my mom kept repeating a lot of things and in a really condescending tone: saying that I should stop crying immediately because it could bother the neighbours, saying that it's just an object, that what matters is that I have her and that I'm "healthy", basically telling me it's not that deep and to stop and soon started also talking about stuff that had nothing to do with the statue: that I see her as a villain, that I don't recognize how she loves and takes care of me and I'm a bad person for that, that she doesn't agree with who I am bc she reads the bible and knows I'm wrong and kept basically guilt tripping me while I was devastaded for what I just accidentally done. I felt numb and terrible the rest of the night and when I went to sleep she even wanted to force me to give her a goodnight kiss, which I asked her to please let me do that another day since she gets genuinely aggresive when I refuse affection. She came once again with her guilt tripping talk before finally letting me sleep in peace. I still feel awful.