u/OKedition

*small update based on a lot of comments: the location is my mom’s beach house, my sister wasn’t technically “hosting” but more we were all staying at mom’s family beach house together.

I finally have a minor family issue I would love to know if I'm the asshole on.

Today, July 17th, I got a message from my sister (32, married w/ 3 kids) asking if I (38, married, 0 kids) can send her $90 for the BBQ and drinks we had at the 4th of July weekend family gathering. Being two weeks later, and not being told up front that was a part of the deal of coming, I was taken aback and said no I wasn’t going to pay.

We had a family gathering and I was told by my mom that my sister and her husband were having BBQ catered for the day. We arrived at the house/party around 2pm on the 4th after our flight in. Everyone and their kids had already gone down to the beach by then and the BBQ was in the fridge.

Everyone came back from the beach and met us at the house and for dinner we all had some BBQ and a couple drinks. It was pretty picked over by the time we got some, and my wife was unable to have any of her favorite sides as they were all gone.

In total we had 3 slider sandwiches with brisket and 5 drinks between the two of us, 3 for me and 2 for my wife. We don’t drink usually, but my sister’s husband makes great mixed drinks so we enjoyed a couple. I also gave a few slices of the leftover brisket to my dog, days later after no one was eating it anymore.

So getting a message today asking for $90 for my part of it seemed excessive. Reminded me of the Friends episode where they all split the bill evenly at the fancy resturant. We didn’t have no $90 worth of BBQ and liquor.

I’m more of the opinion we are all family, none of us are hurting for money in any way, and we don’t need to charge each other for stuff like that. A coffee or a pack of diapers at the store she asked for, we all pay for stuff and there is no need to keep tabs or venmo request payment back, it all evens out in the end. Or it doesn’t and we are family so who cares we can all afford the generosity.

If I offered something like BBQ catering at a family gathering, I would expect to pay for it, or at least ask if anyone wanted to pitch in for it with me.

I told my sister, “in the future it would be nice if they offer to get catering for a party, to let us know how much, or even just that we will be pitching in to help pay for it.”

Or start off the convo with, “hey we spent this much on food and drinks, do you guys want to help pitch in for it?” That I would be more receptive to than, “Hey, I did some math on what we spent and you owe $90 for what you ate and drank.”

She said it’s a bummer I’m such a jerk.

I would have no issue sending her $50 or $60 for what we had. But this isn’t the first time we’ve gotten an unexpected venmo request after an outing, so I guess it hit a nerve with me and I was stubborn with my response, instead of countering with a number I felt was more fair, I just said no.

My wife will probably make me send the money either way, and I already feel petty because $90 doesn’t matter in the end, but am I really the asshole here?