u/Odd-Fennel5806

Hi,
I thought I always understood what autism was. I went to a therapy appointment with my husband and I said that a lot of my fairly severe mental health issues were solved with meds and making better choices for myself until it became habitual and the therapist said yeah but he has autism. And in that moment it kind of clicked that he’s dealing with something I fully have no frame of reference for and maybe even lack a solid understanding of. I think right now we’re coming to a place of realizing while our relationship works in a lot of ways, there’s been a fundamental misunderstanding at the core of almost all our conflicts which is that something makes sense to one of us and not the other and it’s lead to poor communication, misunderstanding of intent, and hurt feelings. I finally said today that I think sometimes one of us is going to ask the other to do something that doesn’t make sense to them, and that on something’s it doesn’t have to make sense, we just have to do it because we like and respect each other. I also have to learn to take what he’s saying very literally at face value because that’s honestly how he communicates. A lot of his behavior seemed aloof and hurtful when we thought he was neurotypical and he was confused when it was interpreted that way. I feel incredibly guilty about the way those situations played out and the times I accused him of lying or defending certain behaviors. The amount of work ahead of us feels so overwhelming at times but I feel like setting the ground work of hey we’re not always going to make sense to each other and that’s ok we don’t have to is a step in the right direction. I’ve asked him to communicate with me more openly and more frequently so we can work through situations together and I have more transparency into his thought process and that I would do the same with him. I guess I’m wondering if we are at all heading in the right direction. This is one of the first things I’ve encountered in a long time where I feel so out of my comfort zone. I also feel largely responsible for him getting adequate treatment and making our home and routine autism friendly.

Relevant information:
he was being treated for adhd for years and the treatment was not working and he stopped really caring about therapy and eventually stopped going without telling me
He’s pretty low support needs, and by like typical standards successful, if you didn’t live with him you might not realize how difficult it is for him to manage the life he has.