u/Odd-Principle-2366

I commented on a recent post that was posing the question “What’s something you stopped doing that improved your life more than anything you started doing?”

This was an amazingly thought provoking question. I knew for me, stopping the fear I had to others’ reactions was something that almost immediately improved my anxiety and my overall well-being. To my surprise, there were multiple comments and questions about my process to losing that fear, and there were also a couple of requests to write my own post. So, I figured I would lean in and get over another fear of mine by putting myself out there and sharing my thoughts, feelings, and process. Also, please excuse any grammatical errors lol, I am human after all.

This process was quite difficult and I knew this would be a complete rewiring of my approach to life. I was raised in an environment where walking on egg shells was common practice, not only out of fear, but out of survival. You were not to make waves and you were not to act out of line or out of character. Simply existing posed dangers and this was the foundation of my attempts to carefully and meticulously craft any statement or information I would share with others to ensure I did not upset them or give them information they did not want to hear.

What started as a means of survival quickly became a character issue. I found myself so afraid of rejection, so afraid of the unknown, and so deeply concerned with others’ opinions of me that I would lie, conceal, and deceive people that I cared about the most in efforts to not be abandoned myself. At the end of the day, I am a grown adult. I made active choices to do these things. I am no longer a child living in fear. So there is no excuse for my behavior. I have hurt people and there is no coming back from that. I share this background in hopes that my post will help someone feel seen, heard, and validated, and maybe prompt them to make some changes before they hurt themselves or someone else.

Without getting too much into the weeds, I will share some strategies and techniques that I used/am still using.

-Seek out some form of counseling/helping relationship
—Professional help was instrumental in helping me overcome. I know this is expensive and not everyone has insurance. I sought out friends, mentors, and others in my community that were open to just talking. The fact that I was able to initiate a conversation with someone without fear of rejection jumpstarted my healing process.

-Journaling
—Anytime I found myself struggling with an impending conversation, I would journal and write down everything I wanted to say. This would force me to ensure I got everything off my chest that I needed to so that when I was in the moment, my anxiety and emotions would not take over. I had a physical road map that would guide me through the conversation. I created a boundary and asked the person that I was talking with if they would allow me the space to get through everything I needed to say before they asked questions. I also returned the favor and listened to everything they needed or wanted to say.

-Public Meetups
—A majority of my fears manifested with members of my family or romantic partners. With that in mind, I had an irrational fear that they would do something to hurt me. So I started requesting we meet out in public somewhere. A park, coffee shop, wherever. For me the leveling of the power dynamic was so important to me and provided me an out in my mind of “surely they won’t do anything to me in public.” Even though this may have been an irrational fear for me, this is not always the case for everyone. If individuals have physically harmed you in the past, I don’t know if there is ever a true way forward with that person and you need to protect yourself and your peace. Cut them out of your life.

-Lean in on the conversations
—One thing that really challenged me in the beginning was being avoidant. I may not have consciously been afraid of their reaction, but I subconsciously found myself just being avoidant. I figured if I ignored the person that was me taking ownership and creating a boundary when in all reality, I was just becoming avoidant to the problem. I had to challenge myself to lean into the difficult conversations. I found myself speaking up more when I was upset about something that someone else did or said. My feelings were just as valid so why was I always more worried about how I made other people fear rather than being just as concerned about how they made me feel. So I used that opportunity to stick up for that child in me that didn’t have/use their voice and began leaning in on the difficult conversations.

All of these things helped shape my path forward and I found myself fostering deeper relationships with the people around me, but more importantly, I feel at peace internally. I still have my hard days where I back track, but I revert back to the things listed above and I get right back on track. Thank you to all who take the time to read this and I truly hope it provides a start to a process of healing and growth. Take care of yourself and take care of one another.

-J