u/Odd_Development_6605

Hi, so i don’t really know how to go about this. My heart hurts alot, and I don’t know how to get over this feeling. Me and my boyfriend have hit this hurdle in our relationship and to be honest its way more than that.

For the past 4 months we’ve been arguing, big or little it doesn’t matter. But I realized that J has been a key factor in a lot of our arguments. She’s my ex-bestfriend. She essentially ghosted me because of my boyfriend saying I would prioritize him over her.. which I had to find this out through other people. And it’s totally not true because in the beginning of my relationship she basically made me feel disgusting for liking my boyfriend and shamed me for it, which made me uncomfortable being affectionate with him in public. I know that wasn’t fair to him, and I feel shitty about it.. but i would ignore him or shrug him off in public even when he said i love you… which all lasted till i was fed up and realized i did truly love him and I shouldn’t have to prioritize one after the other so i just became a little bit more pda with him.. which meant hugs and hold handing which aka led to her ghosting me… haha. She also cried and ignored me once she found out I gave my card to my boyfriend.

Anyways, my boyfriend literally hated her. But, once I got booted off from her social circle, he became more closer to her.

I hate that.

Now, while I’m already depressed from losing my best friend of 6 years. My boyfriend is also getting distant with me. We have arguments such as im not attentive to him and back and forth but thats not the point. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’ve been stuck in this repetitive cycle of blaming each other for being distant and cold, only to eventually come back to each other.

Till one day I casually mentioned… i guess casually is an understatement. I straight up told him I didn’t like J. So, therefore I wasn’t comfortable with him associating with her. Because as I mentioned before, once I was gone, they were practically besties. And im fucking stupidly jealous, over the both of them. I Cried and just told him to stop talking to her please, he said i was controlling who he’s friends with… okay…

I tried to be understanding but I really can’t be when the girl who made my entire middle school and half of my high-school experience just treats me like im a stranger. Like this is the girl who even pushed for me to start dating my boyfriend… at first anyways.

She’s just ALWAYS with him when im gone and I understand they have way more classes together and more friends, I understand she’s maybe more understanding and doesnt have a short temper, I understand a lot on why he would enjoy talking to her more than me. But I just can’t.

I remember an instance when I cried for him to stop talking to her and hung up on him. Him calling 3 hours later at 2am and me picking up thinking he’s going to apologize and being hopeful but he just asks to see me naked. lol. and hangs up when i said no. first time I ever said no too.

I Sometimes I feel like the only time we don’t argue is when we’re being physically intimate. I won’t blame him because it’s not like I don’t want too, it’s the only thing that makes me feel connected to him. It just makes me sad.

And I really don’t know where im trying to go with this story so im sorry for those who are reading this.

Anyways, me and my boyfriend are on a break now. I feel like im the one who still cares. And I have his instagram login and i just feel like i reached my end with it all. He’s texting her and I realized he liked the story she posted of herself.

I know its stupid and likes dont mean anything but i cant help it. I’m a mess.

Just seeing that makes me feel like i reached my end in this relationship but at the same time i still love him, I still like him, and i do miss him more than I’d like to admit.

I just feel like if i was nicer in the beginning nothing bad would have happened.

I’m scared that leaving means admitting that we couldn’t make it work, and that my ex-best friend was basically right. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

I don’t have any particular reason, I'm just so unmotivated and sad all the time. It’s not unusual for me to be lazy. in fact, If i have to I usually compromise and do all my work at the last minute, even though that's probably not efficient. Now I can’t. Or more of I don’t want to. I go to class, and I'm just slowly dissociating and anxious, and then at the end, I don't finish my work, see my grade, obviously crappy, and I spiral more into this pit I'm in.

It’s repetitive, I have no sense of urgency anymore, or the drive to push forward. Today, I probably just realized how bad it’s gotten. I had a final today and did what I could, filled in some answers from what I remembered from practice tests without doing work, and bubbled in random for the rest. Handed in my paper to my teacher, and he shook his head in disapproval and said, “Wow, you don’t even try. How do you expect to get anywhere in life?” and I got the biggest whiplash ever. He’s more than probably right, but I’ve been avoiding the problem for so long that I didn’t even expect someone to acknowledge it for me. And to be honest, I cried, told him he hurt my feelings, and walked away. I didn't have much to say. He wasn’t necessarily wrong, but it hurt really badly.

I can’t focus on work, I'm too dumb to comprehend things, and I just can't set my mind to do anything at all. I'm like a leech.

This probably also triggered my weight gain. I have always been on the heavier side, but since the start of this year, I have gained about 25 pounds. I started stress-eating because of how bad my grades are and the disappointment from the people around me. It’s like a guilty pleasure, and the only thing I can make myself do besides sleeping and crying, and it's like, do I have a reason to cry? I don’t even have a particular reason to be burnt out. I'm just tired of working all the time, but that’s life.

My family tells me I'm too old to act like this, and my friends acknowledge it but slowly distance themselves.

I used to be aspirational, be in clubs, and genuinely connect with people and my teachers, but I can’t anymore. I also lost my best friend of 6 years probably related to this.

I had this final on another day, where I had to perform in front of my teacher, and failed miserably because again, there was no sense of urgency to practice. She held me back, but whilst people were exiting the room, she quoted: “You should be embarrassed of yourself, at the way you're acting, it’s astonishing, you already took this test and taking it again should be a formality, but you're an embarrassment.” Genuinely did not know what to say and cried again.

It seems I can acknowledge the problem, but when others do, it's like a testament of how useless I am now compared to before. I don’t really know how to get better.

Okay, so I'm not really sure how my GPA translates traditionally because my school doesn't calculate it that way. But right now my average is a 91%, but I'm expecting it to drop to around a 90% or maybe 89% because I completely bombed geometry and Spanish n have about a 65 for this last quarter of junior year but got high 80s and low 90s for my other classes.. and they average both quarters and last quarter i got 70s in all classes no exceptions.

I was wondering if anyone knows if it's still realistic to get into NYU with around a 90% GPA? Or even an 89%? Just trying to figure out how much this might affect my chances. I have a decent amount of ecs with a leadership role in some clubs and my national honor society at my school if that can make up for it? And if it helps i want to major in nursing..the only explanation i have for my bad grades is that i got really burnt out this year and genuinely had to take a step back to recollect my sanity.