u/Odellerica

About 9 months ago my ex was living in my house after we had already broken up. In Canada, a no-contact order applies to the accused person, not the victim, which a lot of people don’t seem to understand. I was not violating any court order by existing in my own home while trying to navigate an unstable and frightening situation.

A lot of people say things like “just kick him out” or “just call the cops,” but abusive situations are rarely that simple or black and white. Every time I tried to remove him from my house, even after the no-contact order existed, he would find a way back in. Sometimes he would break down my back door. He also used the no-contact order against me because I didn’t fully understand at the time that it only legally applied to him. Eventually it got to the point where I was exhausted and terrified of dealing with more destruction to my home and belongings.

One night he was drunk/high, started an argument, stole my car, and completely totaled it.

After everything finally came out, he was arrested and charged with 13 domestic violence related charges. Luckily, m​y insurance company did not hold me responsible for what he did.

Even after all of that, I was still afraid he would come back, so I ended up moving. During the process of moving out, he broke into the old apartment. After that incident he finally went to jail for 3 months before eventually being sentenced to 6 months in jail, (but of course, t​hey used "time served") 2 years probation, 800 in fines, 500 in restitution to me, a psych evaluation, the partner assault response program, an a​nger management program and ​substance abuse counseling. This still feels like a slap on the wrist compared to the hell he put me through for YEARS...

Going through this gave me a much deeper understanding of why victims stay as long as they do. When you’re living through abuse, survival and safety don’t always look the way outsiders think they should.

My ex(31M) and I (33F) were broken up, but I let him continue living in my house temporarily because he had nowhere else to go. The important context here is that there was already a no-contact order in place against him, so technically he was not supposed to be there at all. I know letting him stay was a bad decision, but at the time I was trying to avoid making him homeless

While he was still living there, I started seeing someone else. He found out and completely lost it. We got into an argument, and eventually I told him to leave me alone and stop acting like we were still together.

Later that night, while drunk and high, he took my car without permission and crashed it badly enough that it was completely totaled.

Police got involved, and after everything happened, I finally told them the full truth about the relationship and previous incidents. He ended up being arrested and charged with multiple domestic violence-related charges. The person he was supposedly staying with also told police that my ex had actually been living at my house the whole time, violating the no-contact order.

Now I’m hearing through other people that he’s telling everyone I “betrayed” him because I admitted he was living there and because I cooperated with police instead of covering for him.

Part of me feels guilty because technically I did allow him to stay there even though I knew about the order. But another part of me feels like once someone steals and totals your car while intoxicated, you’re no longer obligated to protect them from consequences.

AITA?

edit to correct myself. I didn't "let him stay", I tried many times to kick him out but he refused to leave every time and if I locked the doors he would literally kick them in. I honestly didn't really care if he was homeless, he was just guilting me and lying. Why didn't I call the police? Because he was just getting released over and over, I was exhausted to the point where I just complied to whatever he wanted because otherwise my belongings would be broken*