u/OffWhiteCoat

A few different times in my career, I've been encouraged to take on leadership roles. In every case, after the first few months of OOH SHINY, I find myself overwhelmed and wanting to refocus on the things I enjoy and am good at, rather than putting on an act for the good of the organization.

The first time it happened, the role had a natural term of 1 year and I just pushed through. The second time, my direct supervisor turned out to be a micromanager and a bully and I requested a transfer after seven months, which was back to an IC position I was very happy with. Now I'm at a different org, about one year into a C-suite role that looks amazing on paper and is exhausting in reality. There's nothing specific I can point to that's wrong, just a persistent sense that I am not in the right place, and I feel it in my body. When I took the role, I negotiated to maintain 1 day/week of IC-type work (in order to stay grounded in this very niche area) and the way I feel at the end of those days is such a stark contrast to the other days when I have to go lie down for several hours just to get up the energy to make dinner.

This feels like more than just the usual imposter syndrome. Are there personality types that just don't make good leaders? Are there ways to build up whatever skills I'm lacking? I have a few sessions coming up with an executive coach, which I think might help, and I want to make the best use of her time.

I work for a large academic medical center, which of course has a lot of institutional baggage. I have tried to keep my head down, save hard, and avoid the drama llamas. I'm a month away from my 8 year service anniversary. If I make it to 10 I'd be eligible for a partial pension (it's 20 years for full pension, which, no), keeping my email, and a few other intangible privileges. So I want to try to make it to 10.

But the more I look around, the more I see blatant misogyny, bias, favoritism for the Old Boys Network, as a result of the cutback on DEI work. It's worse now than it was in 2018 when I started here. I don't want to get into specifics as it might doxx me, but a couple of recent incidents are making me question whether I even belong here at all. It's heartbreaking to admit this, because I love the student-facing and patient-facing parts of my job, but I'm tired of being treated as an also-ran despite creating an innovative new program and bringing in nearly a half-million in external funding. (Was just passed over for promotion a second time, which really really stings.) A few years ago I interviewed at a couple other academic centers but felt like it was the same song, different singers, so decided to stay where I am instead of trying to suss out office politics in a new place.

Any advice for making it through the next couple years? I'm considering packing it in, but the partial pension would bump me up to chubbyFIRE which would be nice.

Are you a single woman in your 40s? Do you love where you live? Tell me about it! As I contemplate the RE side of FI, I'm considering moving away from the US South to a region that's more progressive, urbanized/walkable, and aligned with my values. (I realize my COL would go up and am taking this into account in my planning.)

Edit to add: looking for a place with decent to good healthcare options as I age, progressive local and ideally state politics, and a theatre/literary scene. Think college town but for grownups. (Having lived in a college town in my late 20s, there was nothing for you unless you were affiliated with the college/had campus access or in a 55+ retirement community.)