u/Ok_Atmosphere2169

كل ما افكر بالموضوع يضيق صدري استغفر الله

يعني الحمدلله الحمدلله انا مو مقصره مع ربي الحمدلله و مو خايفة من ناحية العذاب و كذا

لا خايفة من فكرة اني ممكن ما الحق اعيش و الحق اكبر و اتزوج و اجيب عيال و هم يكبروا و يتزوجو

ولك اخخخ حرفيا ذا الشي ببالي من و انا بزر دايما كنت اقول يا رب ما يجي يوم القيامه قبل ما يصير عندي ٥ اولاد و يكبرو

مدري ليش من زمان ذا حلمي يعني احسني بس قاعده انتظر ذي الفتره من حياتي اني اكون متزوجة و عندي ٥ اولاد

مرات اتمنى اني من مواليد الثمانينات هههههه

المهم الله يرزقنا الفردوس الاعلى من الجنة يا رب

اي مطعم عندهم الذ اساي بالرياض و موجود على مواقع التوصيل

sorry this is rlly messy

from a very early age i knew that my parents hated eachother

they would give eachother the silent treatment for MONTHS over a tiny arguement, then when they were talking and not in a silent treatment war it was still always obvious that they dont love eachother they just tolerate eachother

thats not what hurt me the most, what hurt me the most is that they would always put me in the middle of their dumbass fights, i was 6 when my mom would talk shit about my dad while driving me to school, and my dad would talk shit ab my mom while driving me home. and i would beg each of them individually to forgive the other, or i would try giving them ways to make up

that shit is going on till now, im 18 now

anyway i found my diary from when i was 10 and i had written in it “i hate my dad i hope he dies, i hate my dad i hope he dies and my mom can get a break from him”
that actually broke my heart bc i love my dad and ive always loved him ive always been a “daddys girl” ESPECIALLY at that time of my life and i know if he actually does die (god forbid) id go crazy like id actually become severely suicidal, hes one of my favorite ppl in the world

my dads genuinely a great dad and the best dad i could ever ask for, but hes the worst husband anyone could ask for
my mom talked shit ab him so much that i started resenting him even tho i love him

he hits her sometimes, which is something we never tell anyone

one of my earliest childhood memories was when he hit her when my little brother was a baby and me and my siblings were watching, she got a black eye from the hit and they told us to tell everyone that my little brother threw a toy at her

everytime he hits her i freeze, i get nauseas, i get this overwhelming wave of hate towards my dad

i love him and i love my mom but i hate how he treats her so much which makes me resent him a bit

theyve been married for 25 years but theyve never divorced or split, why? bc in our culture ppl who do that r very looked down on, especially bc they have 5 kids together

they also would tell us “this is how all parents r” “all ur friends parents relationships r like this but its a secret no one talks ab it” and i GENUINELY believe that till now even tho i know deep down its not true

but idk like in my mind its inevitable, thats how all marriages r and how mine will be for sure and theres nothing i can do about it

whenever i see my friends whos parents obviously love eachother i get so so so jealous

the other day my friend was complaining that she cant sleep bc her parents r laughing too loud with eachother and that they always do this

i cried myself to sleep after hearing that

fun, stupid fact: when i was in middle school and first learned what sex was, i whole heartedly believed there was another way my parents did to get children bc they hate eachother so much no way they would have sex with eachother😂

ppl always tell me im mature for my age and ive been getting that since middle school, like yeah bc i had to be a couples councilor before i could recite the alphabet

ive never been in a relationship bc im muslim so my first relationship will be my marriage and as much as i wish to get married one day and have children and fall inlove and all those things, i have a huge fear of having a relationship like my parents and traumatizing my kids the same way my parents traumatized me, so i dont think ill ever get married

theres alot more i wanna say but if i start i wont finish. this is smthn ive never told anyone about and i never will

idk what the point of all this is, just wanted to share my thoughts

i just pray that one day i can get married to a man who wont treat me like my father treated my mom, and i pray i never have a relationship like my parents, i pray i can feel safe for the first time with my future husband and tell him about all this, and so much more shit i went through that i can never tell anyone about

im so afraid of the idea of marriage and love but at the same time i crave love and connection and having “my person” so so bad

قايز اي لون حجاب البس بالتخرج
الروب كحلي و الفستان ابيض

بعرف الجواب الواضح ابيض بس بكررررهه الحجاب الابيض بكل قلبي و اي الوان فاتحه ما بتقبلها ابدا و دايما بتخايل و بتخليني اصير نيقا بحس

المهم بتحسو عادي البس اسود ولا البس كحلي🤔🤔

ودي اسود صراحه بس مدري بتحسو حيطلع شكلي غبي عشان اسود مع كحلي ولا عادي

قايز في طريقة اتخلص منهم ولا استسلم؟

نحفت و نصحت و كلشي و دايما موجودين و لما كنت انحف كانو بارزين اكتر

كتير مستفزين my body would be so tea without them💔💔

اذا اي وحده كان عندها و تخلصت منهم تحكيلي كيف بليز🙏

بستاهل الدلع طبعا

مره كنت مسافره لحالي و في واحد شب شفته كذا مره بالمطار و كل ما اطلع عليه بكون بتطلع علي

u gon keep playing eyetag or u gon holler at yo boi

المهم سبحان الله بالطياره طلعنا مقاعدنا جمب بعض و بلش يحكي معي و طول السفره واحنا منسولف قايز هالشب حرفييييياااااا boy version of me

when we first started talking on the plane we both said “ i feel like im in fight club” AT THE SAME EXACT TIMEEE

و كتير طقينا ميانه جد كان كتير بضحك و كان اكبر مني ب ٣ سنين و حرفيا انا عنا نفس الاهتمامات و كلشي كلشي يعني حسيت حالي قاعده مع الكلون تبعي كمان كان كتييير محترم

المهم خلص لما وصلنا حكينا باي و كل واحد راح طريق السالفه كلها صارت بشهر ١٢

I JUST SAW THAT HE ADDED ME ON INSTA A FEW DAYS AGOO

ما عندي انستا ع تلفوني بس بفتحه من اللابتوب مرات و طلع ضايفني من اسبوع تقريبا قايز im tweaking ما بعرف شو اسوويييي

ما بقبل ولاد عالانستا بس بحسس اخخخخخ بديش ما اقبل هيك عالساكت مش عارفه شوو اسوي

should i just send a dm and be like “ i dont accept guys on my account sorry😅” ولا بتحسو وقاحه ولا مدري مدري شو اعمللل هيييللللببببب
i feel like im fumbling💔💔😭

+ غالبا حاروح عنفس الجامعه الي هو فيها ف يمكن اشوفه بحياتي

قايز ايش احسن و ازكى محصول من قهاوي الاردن

جربت بن معروف و بن العميد بس و ودي اجرب كمان بس ما بعرف ايش اجرب الي عندو اقتراحات يعطيني بليز

baggy jeans and cropped shirt/ hoodie 🫩

where the straight jeans and polo shirt guys who look like their mom still dresses them at💔

احس كل مستخدمين ريديت الاردنيين ربداويين