u/Ok_Sail2543

to be clear, i know i should have stayed. i know i should have just sucked it up. but i couldnt.

was (understandably) yelled at in front of everyone

i broke sterile field accidentally for the second possibly third time on my surgery rotation. like a fucking idiot.

im not normally stupid. but there is something about going off of <3-4 hours/sleep a night (upstairs neighbors super noisy all night, multiple noise complaints never helped).

even though i knew i deserved the yelling, i sat off to the corner just crying. couldnt touch my face to wipe away tears cause sterility. tried to go to the darkest corner possible.

once the surgery had been completed (last surgery of the day), just suturing left (which a student was doing), i asked to leave. surgeon (who hadnt seen the yelling) seemed surprised. they let me go ? maybe out of shock at my entitlement?

i feel like in med school people are always asking to stay even when they are asked to leave

to be clear, i know i should have stayed. i know i should have just sucked it up. but i couldnt.

was (understandably) yelled at in front of everyone

i broke sterile field accidentally for the second possibly third time on my surgery rotation. like a fucking idiot.

im not normally stupid. but there is something about going off of <3-4 hours/sleep a night (upstairs neighbors super noisy all night, multiple noise complaints never helped).

even though i knew i deserved the yelling, i sat off to the corner just crying. couldnt touch my face to wipe away tears cause sterility. tried to go to the darkest corner possible.

once the surgery had been completed (last surgery of the day), just suturing left (which a student was doing), i asked to leave. surgeon (who hadnt seen the yelling) seemed surprised. they let me go ? maybe out of shock at my entitlement?

i feel like in med school people are always asking to stay even when they are asked to leave.

My parents put an insane amount of pressure on me to go to medical school from the time I was young. They constantly belittled every passion I had, telling me I could pursue it “as a hobby after I became a doctor.” They would say things like, “Plenty of doctors have passions after work! There was a doctor talent show recently.”

If I got straight A’s, I was yelled at for not getting straight A-pluses—which, in practice, meant I wasn’t allowed to make a single mistake.

Eventually, I got a job that was objectively respectable and allowed me to support myself. My parents called it a “waste of time,” “irresponsible,” and “selfish” because I wasn’t in medical school. They would constantly call me and say things like, “Don’t have sex until you take the MCAT.” They would call me on my birthdays and reduce me to tears over how “disorganized” and “irresponsible” I supposedly was for having a job instead of pursuing medicine—even though I was financially independent and they weren’t paying my expenses.

When I eventually got into medical school, I explicitly told them that I thought I would kill myself if I went. Despite that, they continued calling me constantly—sometimes 10–20 times a day—to pressure me into going anyway.

After I enrolled, they turned around and said, “Medical school was entirely your decision. We didn’t even want you to go.”

Yes, I understand that I was an adult and that, ultimately, I made the decision to give up my job, listen to my parents, and go to medical school. I take responsibility for that decision. But I also think the context matters. For most of my life, my parents were essentially my only consistent source of emotional support. I was forced to move every couple of years throughout my childhood, which meant repeatedly losing whatever friendships and community I had managed to build. I was always the weird, ugly new kid trying to start over.

So while the final decision was technically mine, it did not happen in a vacuum. It came after a lifetime of being taught that my interests were frivolous, that my accomplishments were never enough, that pursuing anything other than medicine made me selfish and irresponsible, and that the approval and emotional support of the two people I depended on most were conditional on my following the path they had chosen for me.

written by me, had to have AI edit it cause im emotional

tldr: parents pressured me into med school. now say it was entirely my decision

Edit: Got this notification from reddit. "🏆 Nice work! This is the #1 post on r/medschool today!"

You are not alone if you're reading this and can relate. there are a lot of lurkers who aren't interacting but we have thousands of views and a ton of shares

I apologize for the cursing below. I have found prayer to be the one thing that has helped me but i am deeply struggling and havent been close to god recently. i would really appreciate ur prayers and support

Trigger Warnings: childhood abuse, domestic violence, suicide, grief

To be fair, I've always had some depression/sad times. I was never fully healthy.

I grew up with a wealthy alcoholic father who would beat my mom. My mom wanted to divorce him, but my dad said he'd kill himself if she did. She was massively depressed herself. When I was a teenager, I found her suicide note.

I cannot remember a day in my childhood where I did not cry myself to sleep.

The stress was compounded by the fact that we moved around fucking constantly, so I was always the new kid. I was never conventionally attractive, I had the "smelly food," and I was often the ugly/weird kid in school who got bullied.

I'd get bullied at school and then come home to my parents yelling at each other constantly, sometimes until 2 a.m.

My parents also went to parties with their rich fucking friends and forced me to go so I would "socialize" with their friends' kids. Those kids would either make fun of me or pretend I didn't exist. They would literally just ignore me anytime I said anything.

I never felt like I had a voice.

When I turned 18, I moved out.

I went to the cheapest college possible even though I had great grades and had received a massive amount of merit-based scholarship money. I worked like a fucking dog to get out as soon as I could so I wouldn't be financially dependent on my parents, who were helping pay for my college.

And I want to be fair here: it was very generous of them to pay for my college.

The issue was that anytime I didn't behave exactly the way they wanted me to—exact attitude, exact career, exact degree—they threatened to cut off their financial support for tuition. And these threats always seemed to happen at the specific points when I was most vulnerable.

At one point, I was getting robbed repeatedly because I had chosen basically the cheapest apartment I could find. I wasn't sleeping at all because I was terrified.

I had an attitude toward my parents because I was exhausted and scared, and during the conflict they took away my winter jackets, my cell phone, fucking everything. It was far below freezing.

They said everything was "theirs."

So I worked.

I worked full-time over the summers and part-time throughout the school year while taking enough courses that I could graduate in three years. I didn't take summer courses because that cost extra money.

I was up Monday through Friday before 6 a.m. and worked/studied until at least 11 p.m. On Saturdays I would sometimes study/work until 2 a.m.

I graduated when I was 20 years old premed with honors.

While I am grateful that my parents financially supported me through college, after I graduated, I paid for everything.

I saved a huge portion of my salary for retirement. I grocery shopped carefully, found the cheapest apartments I could, moved by myself, etc.

And yes, I understand that supporting yourself is the bare expectation for many 20-year-olds.

My point is that I wasn't financially reliant on them anymore.

But they would still call me constantly to tell me my life was a complete waste of time because I wasn't a doctor.

For YEARS they would call me.

On one of my birthdays in my early 20s, my mom made me cry by telling me how irresponsible/unorganized I was and how I was wasting my entire life because I didn't go to med school.

Mind you, I didn't have very many friends because I was constantly moving every couple of years growing up. My parents were the primary emotional support I had.

So having the people I relied on the most emotionally tell me that my life was a fucking waste of time because I wasn't going to med school was really fucking awful.

Finally, I got into med school in the state where I'd spent part of my childhood.

I told my parents I didn't want to apply there.

I told them I wanted to withdraw my application.

I told them I would kill myself if I went there.

They didn't give a shit.

They kept pressuring me to go. Relentless pressure. Constant phone calls. Over and over and over again.

At the same time, my sibling had cut them off because of how manipulative they felt my parents were. My parents were devastated to lose access to one of their kids.

I felt like I needed to keep them in my life because they were so fucking heartbroken.

But it was at the expense of my joy.

I gave up the career I had worked so hard for.

I gave up my financial independence.

I gave up my joy.

I gave up the friends I was slowly starting to make.

I gave up this person that I really, really, really, really liked.

And I moved back to the state where I had been bullied as a kid, surrounded by reminders of my childhood all over again.

Every day I've wanted to kill myself.

EVERY FUCKING DAY.

And now years into this, I don't really know what more to do. I just want to fucking die.

I have done well in med school. Exceptionally well, according to my school.

But that doesn't hide the fact that I hate this state.

It doesn't change the fact that I have childhood trauma that was never resolved.

I've tried therapy many times, but constantly re-explaining this entire fucking story just makes things worse sometimes. The therapists I've seen really were trying to help me, but I haven't found the right fit. I haven't found someone who really understands this fucking dynamic.

And then something else happened during medical school.

The person I once thought I'd marry fucking died.

Before med school, when I saw this person spiral, I used to always be there. I would call. I would support them.

This time I saw them spiral and I FUCKING DIDN'T.

I DIDN'T CALL.

And they died.

I DIDN'T CALL BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING EXHAUSTED FROM MY THIRD-YEAR ROTATION AND I FIGURED THEY WOULD HAVE SOMEONE ELSE TO SUPPORT THEM.

BUT THEY DIDN'T.

I cannot stop thinking about that.

Why didn't I fucking call?

Why wasn't I there?

What if I had just fucking called?

Every day I wake up wishing I had already died.

I can't put up with this.

I've felt this way every fucking day I've been in med school.

Every fucking day.

And now, years into feeling this way—honestly, after what feels like a lifetime of fucking pain—I'm just ready to fucking die.

I know I'm an adult.

I know that ultimately I made the decision to go to medical school.

I know nobody physically forced me.

But goddammit, their approval meant so fucking much to me.

TL;DR: Please don't pressure your kids into a career.

I know they're adults. I know they ultimately make their own decisions.

But goddammit, your approval might mean so much more to them than you realize.

Please please pray for me if you can. IM really strugglign

TW: childhood abuse, domestic violence, suicide, grief

To be fair, I've always had some depression/sad times. I was never fully healthy.

I grew up with a wealthy alcoholic father who would beat my mom. My mom wanted to divorce him, but my dad said he'd kill himself if she did. She was massively depressed herself. When I was a teenager, I found her suicide note.

I cannot remember a day in my childhood where I did not cry myself to sleep.

The stress was compounded by the fact that we moved around fucking constantly, so I was always the new kid. I was never conventionally attractive, I had the "smelly food," and I was often the ugly/weird kid in school who got bullied.

I'd get bullied at school and then come home to my parents yelling at each other constantly, sometimes until 2 a.m.

My parents also went to parties with their rich fucking friends and forced me to go so I would "socialize" with their friends' kids. Those kids would either make fun of me or pretend I didn't exist. They would literally just ignore me anytime I said anything.

I never felt like I had a voice.

When I turned 18, I moved out.

I went to the cheapest college possible even though I had great grades and had received a massive amount of merit-based scholarship money. I worked like a fucking dog to get out as soon as I could so I wouldn't be financially dependent on my parents, who were helping pay for my college.

And I want to be fair here: it was very generous of them to pay for my college.

The issue was that anytime I didn't behave exactly the way they wanted me to—exact attitude, exact career, exact degree—they threatened to cut off their financial support for tuition. And these threats always seemed to happen at the specific points when I was most vulnerable.

At one point, I was getting robbed repeatedly because I had chosen basically the cheapest apartment I could find. I wasn't sleeping at all because I was terrified.

I had an attitude toward my parents because I was exhausted and scared, and during the conflict they took away my winter jackets, my cell phone, fucking everything. It was far below freezing.

They said everything was "theirs."

So I worked.

I worked full-time over the summers and part-time throughout the school year while taking enough courses that I could graduate in three years. I didn't take summer courses because that cost extra money.

I was up Monday through Friday before 6 a.m. and worked/studied until at least 11 p.m. On Saturdays I would sometimes study/work until 2 a.m.

I graduated when I was 20 years old premed with honors.

While I am grateful that my parents financially supported me through college, after I graduated, I paid for everything.

I saved a huge portion of my salary for retirement. I grocery shopped carefully, found the cheapest apartments I could, moved by myself, etc.

And yes, I understand that supporting yourself is the bare expectation for many 20-year-olds.

My point is that I wasn't financially reliant on them anymore.

But they would still call me constantly to tell me my life was a complete waste of time because I wasn't a doctor.

For YEARS they would call me.

On one of my birthdays in my early 20s, my mom made me cry by telling me how irresponsible/unorganized I was and how I was wasting my entire life because I didn't go to med school.

My mom even constantly lectured me that I shouldn't have sex until I took the MCAT. She said this so regularly that I actually didn't have sex until after the MCAT or form a serious relationship.

Mind you, I didn't have very many friends because I was constantly moving every couple of years growing up. My parents were the primary emotional support I had.

So having the people I relied on the most emotionally tell me that my life was a fucking waste of time because I wasn't going to med school was really fucking awful.

Finally, I got into med school in the state where I'd spent part of my childhood.

I told my parents I didn't want to apply there.

I told them I wanted to withdraw my application.

I told them I would kill myself if I went there.

They didn't give a shit.

They kept pressuring me to go. Relentless pressure. Constant phone calls. Over and over and over again.

At the same time, my sibling had cut them off because of how manipulative they felt my parents were. My parents were devastated to lose access to one of their kids.

I felt like I needed to keep them in my life because they were so fucking heartbroken.

But it was at the expense of my joy.

I gave up the career I had worked so hard for.

I gave up my financial independence.

I gave up my joy.

I gave up the friends I was slowly starting to make.

I gave up this person that I really, really, really, really liked.

And I moved back to the state where I had been bullied as a kid, surrounded by reminders of my childhood all over again.

Every day I've wanted to kill myself.

EVERY FUCKING DAY.

And now years into this, I don't really know what more to do. I just want to fucking die.

I have done well in med school. Exceptionally well, according to my school.

But that doesn't hide the fact that I hate this state.

It doesn't change the fact that I have childhood trauma that was never resolved.

I've tried therapy many times, but constantly re-explaining this entire fucking story just makes things worse sometimes. The therapists I've seen really were trying to help me, but I haven't found the right fit. I haven't found someone who really understands this fucking dynamic.

And then something else happened during medical school.

The person I once thought I'd marry fucking died.

Before med school, when I saw this person spiral, I used to always be there. I would call. I would support them.

This time I saw them spiral and I FUCKING DIDN'T.

I DIDN'T CALL.

And they died.

I DIDN'T CALL BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING EXHAUSTED FROM MY THIRD-YEAR ROTATION AND I FIGURED THEY WOULD HAVE SOMEONE ELSE TO SUPPORT THEM.

BUT THEY DIDN'T.

I cannot stop thinking about that.

Why didn't I fucking call?

Why wasn't I there?

What if I had just fucking called?

Every day I wake up wishing I had already died.

I can't put up with this.

I've felt this way every fucking day I've been in med school.

Every fucking day.

And now, years into feeling this way—honestly, after what feels like a lifetime of fucking pain—I'm just ready to fucking die.

I know I'm an adult.

I know that ultimately I made the decision to go to medical school.

I know nobody physically forced me.

But goddammit, their approval meant so fucking much to me.

TL;DR: Please don't pressure your kids into a career.

I know they're adults. I know they ultimately make their own decisions.

But goddammit, your approval might mean so much more to them than you realize.

Also, please don't go into med school unless YOU REALLY FUCKING WANT TO.

Reposting Mandy's comments about her cheating husband (who murdered her and her 5 children)

WH: Wayward (cheating) husband

H: Husband

Dday: Discovery Day of Affair

"I feel you. My WH literally cheated with a younger version of me, except way wilder than I ever was. When my H and I met, I was the intern at the company we both worked for. He was divorced and older than me… fast forward ten years and five kids, he was cheating with the intern again- the same age I was when I was the intern. I was five babies in, and was actually not in bad physical shape, but I was in the trenches of little kids, and just couldn’t be who I was before. He had gotten a bonus literally days after DDay, and I told him I was using it to pay off my credit card, to got Botox, Invisilign, hair extensions, and new clothes that made me feel pretty. I lost tons of weight during the aftermath. But guess what- I never felt better from those things. I still internally blamed myself for not being “enough” of what he wanted.

After about a year of self-loathing I remember crying and looking at myself in the mirror and realizing how fucked up it was that I was the one who was living so miserably because of what he did. I finally realized that I had been the only person who has ever showed up for myself my whole entire life. I didn’t deserve to treat myself the way I had been. I decided to re-wire my brain as best as I could. I literally filled up journal upon journal upon journal with nice things about myself (even if I didn’t believe them). I stopped dressing for him, and chose to dress for myself. I experimented with my natural curls, and wore less makeup. I really leaned into the spiritual experience of getting to know and appreciate myself. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes still feel insecure, and 4.5 years out from DDay, I still occasionally get triggers that suck me in, but my self esteem is now able to withstand those triggers. Instead of resorting to “I’m the worst, I hate myself,” I now find my internal dialogue being more “I don’t deserve this, why am I still living like this,” type talk.

The most ironic thing about it, is that now my WH finds my self-confidence to be super attractive- I mean, I think he finds it a little scary too, because he knows that I now know I deserve better than what he gave me in the past, and won’t tolerate any cheating in the future, which is a win-win I guess.

Please, please, please know that you deserve to treat yourself with the care you didn’t get from your partner. Please know that throughout it all you have always deserved to be respected, loved, valued and wanted. This is a him issue, NOT a you issue. Work on treating yourself with kindness, and becoming absolutely thrilled with who you are- because I can guarantee you that you are more of a woman than anyone who would choose to cheat with a married person. If you need to- get the Botox, take the Ozempic, buy new clothes, do your hair however you feel you need to be proud in your skin, but without the inner work, you still won’t feel how you want to feel. You’ve got this."

Studied like hell for step 2 (took time off school studied for months) and failed my first practice. I know i should keep going maybe but i am fucking miserable and have been crying every day. i pushed my exam back as far as I could (4 weeks). haven't enjoyed a single day of medical school all these years/studying. have been studying while crying every day. really want to fucking quit but there's been such a high opportunity cost.

haven't enjoyed any rotation

idrk what the to do.

was signficnatly pressured into med school by my parents. i told them i never wanted to go but they pressured me incessantly to go. they told me my old life/job in cancer research was a "waste of time" and they were the primary social support I had. They didnt even want me to date until I took the MCATs (so I didnt). So much of my life was put on hold for med school. i know i'm an adult and I technically signed but damn it was hard to cut off the only social support i had, especially because I felt so badly for them my siblings had already cut them off- i was the only one still speaking to them.

Honestly feel like shit

I did 1.5 passes of UWorld. Took my first NBME and failed. i was supposed to take step 2 in 4 weeks but honestly just fml. like i've been prepping for months (took time off school)- had already passed step 1. I thought I'd start at a 230. feel so dumb for waitign til now to take a practice test.

really going through it atm. please be positive/say nice things. i feel like a fucking loser.