u/Ok_Warthog9093

What are some examples of the most ridiculous things that in-laws tell their daughter-in-laws?

I will go first.

Once, I raised concerns about how MIL's emotional abuse, toxicity and taunts are affecting my husband's mental wellbeing (this is truth!) and FIL jumped in to say "why should he have mental issues he is our son he has to listen and tolerate. Before he is your husband, he is our son first. Only after we die he will be your husband".

I am curious if it's just my in-laws who say ridiculous things like this or others too.

Anyone here who is part of the Puri Sevayat society? What are people in this society like? How are Sevayat society women treated in the society? One of my friends is getting married to a guy (her colleague) from this community and we saw some wedding videos where it looks really regressive and oppressive. Anyone here who can tell us more about this society? Even when we google about them we don't find much information. It's all so hush hush.

Anyone here who is part of the Puri Sevayat society? What are people like in this society? How are Sevayat society women treated in the society? One of my friends is getting married to a guy (her colleague) from this community and we saw some wedding videos where it looks really regressive and oppressive. Anyone here who can tell us more about this society? Even when we google about them we don't find much information. It's all so hush hush.

So, I have been meaning to ask this here for a while. My husband shared with me how when he and his brother were kids, his mother used to encourage them to respect woman and also that they should respect their wives after they get married, not to oppress them etc. However a decade or 2 later, she has officially become the flag bearer of patriarchy and extreme misogynistic views(often more misogynistic than some men). She hates me and my guts to live life on my own terms, and live our married life on both husband and my own terms. We both studied well, working now and planning for our future on our own terms.

I have always wondered what drove the switch in this personality? Has anyone seen or heard of the same? What's actually going on here? Men in this sub, feel free to be honest here as well if you have experienced something similar with your mother.

So, I have been meaning to ask this here for a while. My husband shared with me how when he and his brother were kids, his mother used to encourage them to respect woman and also that they should respect their wives after they get married, not to oppress them etc. However a decade or 2 later, she has officially become the flag bearer of patriarchy and extreme misogynistic views(often more misogynistic than some men). She hates me and my guts to live life on my own terms, and live our married life on both husband and my own terms. We both studied well, working now and planning for our future on our own terms.

I have always wondered what drove the switch in this personality? Has anyone seen or heard of the same? What's actually going on here? Men in this sub, feel free to be honest here as well if you have experienced something similar with your mother.

Why do some Indian in-laws expect a daughter-in-law to become unpaid "glorified" domestic help after marriage in the name of bahu-seva? (Please don't misunderstand this as me looking down at service-based helpers by saying this).

I recently read a post where a full-time working woman takes care of her child all day, cooks and still gets told by her MIL that she is “not doing enough.” The in-laws wouldn't even let the couple arrange for house helpers.I related to it so much.

My MIL had similar expectations from me when the in-laws came to visit us and it was one of the most traumatic and eye-opening experiences for me. She expects bahu-seva on top of cooking, cleaning, serving, adjusting, and even believes things like wearing ghoonghat are a wife’s duty. On top of this the in-laws expect you to be smiling 24x7 even after they taunt you like it's their birthright.

When is this bahu-fetish mindset going to die? And why do in-laws do this? Is it patriarchy, control, internalized misogyny, entitlement, or just the idea that a bahu exists to serve them? And even if a bahu does so much, there is no end of hearing the endless criticism and taunts. Not to forget, also unashamedly insulting the woman and the woman's parents for no reason at all. As if, the woman and her parents are supposed to be at their feet level.

Why is a daughter-in-law expected to be a maid, cook, caretaker, earning member, and obedient “good bahu” all at once, and still never enough? Is this fetish/obsession ever gonna die?

Why do some Indian in-laws expect a daughter-in-law to become unpaid "glorified" domestic help after marriage in the name of bahu-seva? (Please don't misunderstand this as me looking down at service-based helpers by saying this).

I recently read a post where a full-time working woman takes care of her child all day, cooks and still gets told by her MIL that she is “not doing enough.” The in-laws wouldn't even let the couple arrange for house helpers.I related to it so much.

My MIL had similar expectations from me when the in-laws came to visit us and it was one of the most traumatic and eye-opening experiences for me. She expects bahu-seva on top of cooking, cleaning, serving, adjusting, and even believes things like wearing ghoonghat are a wife’s duty. On top of this the in-laws expect you to be smiling 24x7 even after they taunt you like it's their birthright.

When is this bahu-fetish mindset going to die? And why do in-laws do this? Is it patriarchy, control, internalized misogyny, entitlement, or just the idea that a bahu exists to serve them? And even if a bahu does so much, there is no end of hearing the endless criticism and taunts. Not to forget, also unashamedly insulting the woman and the woman's parents for no reason at all. As if, the woman and her parents are supposed to be at their feet level.

Why is a daughter-in-law expected to be a maid, cook, caretaker, earning member, and obedient “good bahu” all at once, and still never enough? Is this fetish/obsession ever gonna die?

I have been very active in this subreddit for a while now, sharing my troubles and experiences as DIL fighting against patriarchy and toxicity around Indian marriage norms(shouldn't be norms anymore). So I wanted to share a positive story that happened recently.

Recently, during one of my husband's regular calls with his mother, she started criticizing a young woman for wearing shorts, calling her "shameless" and saying she was "naked"(just for wearing shorts). What followed made me genuinely proud of my husband.

What MIL was saying triggered him as he doesn't like such misogynistic view points. Instead of staying silent or changing the topic, he challenged her views. He pointed out that ideas about "modesty" and what women should wear are often treated as ancient Indian values when many of them were actually enforced on us during the Victorian era colonial rule and never left the society's mindset, even in 2026. He mentioned that women in ancient India dressed very differently and that covering women from head to toe is not some timeless cultural practice in the name of dharma and sanskaar.

MIL went on about the clothes women wear are "sanskaar" related and justified gunghaat pratha "as a wife's duty". My husband pushed back on all of it. He asked what a woman wears is her choice and according to her comfort, people shouldn't have a problem with it. When MIL said people's(men's) gaze are going to go on women's clothes, he said that it's people who gaze and sexually objectify women are the problem. If we can respect goddesses and Devi and their body parts why can't we respect women? He also added that we failed as a society if we blame women and their clothes for people's wrong gaze, and if we can't protect women. He questioned why these cover-up expectations are imposed almost exclusively on women. He also pointed out that respect, values, and decency come from a person's behaviour, not their clothing choices.

The conversation most probably didn't magically change my MIL's views, but that wasn't the point. What mattered to me was that he didn't stay silent. He didn't dismiss it as "that's just how elders think." He didn't expect women to keep tolerating these comments for the sake of peace. He also felt that this kind of misogynistic mindset shouldn't be enforced on younger people, including children and the next generations. He told her that this is what our generation is trying to do, dismiss this toxic mindset and not let it carry on to next generation.

As someone who has spent some time fighting these kind of patiarchal mindsets, it felt incredibly validating to have a partner who is willing to challenge them even when they come from his own family. I just can't celebrate it enough and wanted to share this here too.

We often talk about red flags in marriages (rightfully so), but green flags deserve some appreciation too. This was one of mine.

I want to ask women here who are married to the eldest son in a family: Did you ever choose not to attend the wedding of your husband's brother to protect your mental peace?

Because of the extreme, archaic expectations and rigid patriarchal and regressive practices placed on women and the elder daughter-in-law (DIL) in my husband's hometown and community, all in the name of 'sanskaar' and 'samaj', my husband and I have decided that I will sit it out entirely rather than subject myself to those toxic environments (He will be going to the wedding). Both of us live in the USA, so it is easier to give visa-related reasons to everyone as well. Because of past trauma, mistreatment and disrespect caused by MIL mainly and the need to set firm boundaries, I have been completely no-contact with my husband's parents. Also, for context, husband and I belong to different states in India, we had our marriage in a different city but BIL's wedding is happening in their hometown and inside the community where people's mindset are still in the 1930s.

I wish to ask the women here, If you didn't attend your brother-in-law's wedding:

1. What was the breaking point that made you decide not to go?

2. How did your in-laws react to your absence? Did it help protect your peace, or did it cause more fallout?

I feel my MIL will be at peace if she doesn't see my face too, but of course, she will throw tantrums in the name of society.

I would love to hear your stories and how you navigated the situation.

Posting on behalf of a friend.

My friend is currently talking to a guy for an arranged marriage setup. Recently, her mother heard from a relative of the guy’s family that the guy’s mother is not a good person and is very toxic, ill-natured, and difficult to deal with.

My friend’s mother brought this up with the prospective MIL, but she dismissed it as just rumours. My friend’s mother also seems to think it may not be a big issue and just hearsay, but my friend is not fully convinced.

How should my friend handle these concerns instead of waving them off as rumours, when the information is mostly hearsay, but could seriously affect her married life if these were true.

Any practical advice would be appreciated.

Has anyone here faced similar situations? Did you also ignore such information as rumours or acted upon it?

My husband's side of the family and their community including his parents are very patriarchal. Even in 2026, they behave like the 1930s. Also I don't have a good relationship with MIL as she is a very narcissistic abusive woman who loves and yearn to control people and craves conflict and drama, she also expects people to suck up to her. I am in no-contact with her as I focused on setting strong boundaries with the in-laws. Husband has a normal relationship with his parents and that's totally fine and none of my business, unless MIL throws indirect jabs at him regarding me but he has been drawing strong boundaries with her too when it comes to us and our lives together.

So, the in-laws fixed BIL's marriage (AM) within their community. And I have no wish to go visit them to attend the wedding and possibly I can use work as a reason. Husband will be going though since it's his brother's wedding. Am I wrong not to attend?

I just want mental peace and we live abroad and I can't connect with his community's patriarchal ways also, everything is given the stamp of sanskaar when it's not, it's just plain regressive.

Also the in-laws don't have proper bedrooms for two or more couples to stay, there is no privacy at all.