u/Old-Couple358

I broke up with my boyfriend for the 2nd or 3rd time about a month ago. I loved him, but our relationship obviously had problems (you can read my other post on this channel). Because of that, I’ve decided that this time I’m going to let him be, I’m going to let him go because I don’t want to do more damage than I already have. But I was thinking today about how good he was to me, and my question is: Should I send him a text saying “I’m sorry for how I treated you”? Or is it not worth it to contact him? I don’t want to try to get back into his life, I just genuinely want him to know that I‘m truly sorry. But I don’t know if I should send this text or if it would do more harm than good. I feel like I owe him an apology.

To the cars who lay on their horns all day and all night on Duffield between Fulton and Willoughby, you are not achieving anything by honking. Many people living on this street work virtually and the noise is extremely disruptive. Sincerely, please, shut the fuck up.

For context, we started dating when I was 19, while in college together. I had never been in a relationship before and we had been friends first so I was hesitant to turn it into something serious. I was really scared of commitment at the time. But we started dating and fell completely in love with each other. However after a few months of happiness we began to fight, probably me picking at little issues more than anything. I became unhappy and I also had also been unfaithful to him early in the relationship (commitment issues mentioned). I take full responsibility for all of this ruining our relationship. I don’t know why I did it. When he discovered this I begged him to stay because I did love him but understandably he ended the relationship and we went no contact. Those were some of the most painful few months of my life. I barely ate or slept, I isolated myself, thought about him constantly and cried myself to sleep each night. I tried to put myself back out there but there was a space in my heart for where he had left me.

After multiple months passed we happened to run into each other and I told him I couldn’t ever speak to him again because he broke my heart and I couldn’t handle that again, and besides, I didn’t think he could trust me again. But somehow after lots of crying and talking we agreed to be together again. I was so grateful that he wanted to give me a second chance, but I was so scared of messing it up again, so I wanted to take it slow. Over the course of the year or so our relationship continued. Again, at first I was so happy to have him back. He’s the love of my life. But again after a while I began to feel resentful of being in a relationship with him. I felt like our relatinoship was stagnating and not going anywhere and that he held me back from what I could theoretically do if I focused on myself (self improvement, etc.). I also started to feel that I would regret it in the future if I didn’t experience multiple deep relationships in my life before deciding on “the one,” and that I should see if I had anything special with other people I might date. We’re both pretty young after all. Also, he was set to graduate in the spring which meant we would be long distance for who knows how long.

I felt like I had to initiate the breakup, but I wanted it to be on good terms. It felt like the right time. But I ultimately decided not to, and I studied abroad that semester. While abroad I was unhappy with him not calling me more often or saying I love you, and being too focused on finding an job, and after a while I mentally decided the relationship was over. I was unfaithful to him and thought I was developing feelings for this guy I met while abroad. I returned to the US and broke up with my boyfriend, but I felt it was best not to tell him about the other guy if I’m breakibng up with him anyway. I told him we should see other people. He was clearly hurt and I felt horrible but I thought I did the right thing.

It’s been a few weeks now and I miss him so much. I’m filled with regret that I ended this relationship for stupid reasons once again. I am confident that this man is the love of my life — he is the only one who truly makes me feel happy and understood, and I love being with him more than anything. He makes me feel the way I never felt before with anyone else. Now I’m slowly sinking into another depression after realizing what I lost with this breakup. I did this so that I could date other people but now I’m not even interested in anyone but him. How come every time we break up, my heart is shattered, but when we’re together, I eventually feel trapped and find a reason to end it? Am I just romanticizing a relationship that doesn’t work, or do I have deeper issues with connection and intimacy that will keep me from ever being truly satisfied with a relationship?

TLDR: Can’t live with him, can’t live without him — is it my personal issues or is the relationship not right?