u/OlliOPocto

I’ve smoked probably everyday since I was 16 and am now 21. I am definitely feeling the effects and trying to heavily cut back. I use to smoke before work bc I get bad anxiety before going in, hit my vape on breaks, and then smoke when getting home immediately, maybe even before bed as well.

Now I am just smoking a joint before bed, I haven’t had the urge to necessarily smoke but recently before going into work my anxiety is at an all time high. My hands are shaky, heart almost pounding, and today I actually started gagging from how nervous I was.

I’m annoyed at myself, bc I have an easy ass desk job there is literally no need to be so worked up, and I know that. I guess I just didn’t realize how much my body depended on it.

Any advice for how to deal with this anxiety is appreciated- I have been doing breathing exercises and just reminding myself everything is fine, halfway into my shift and my anxiety is low/almost gone, just would hate for this feeling to get worse as it’s only day 2:/

My heads all over the place so sorry if I talk in nonsense or circles. We have scheduled someone to come in our apartment tomorrow morning to help my sweet soul cat Thunder pass. We found out this month he has cancer and it just hurts me so bad that we have already scheduled this. Logically I know this is the ‘right’ thing to do.

He is barely eating anymore to the point where I can feel his bones when I pet him, he use to be pretty fat just two months ago, I just thought he was being picky with his food or it might’ve been a dental issue, I never imagined there would be a tumor in him so big that’s possibly the reason he can’t eat, it’s either blocking something important or sucking all the nutrients. All he has really been able to eat are those churu tubes.

I think I would feel better (?) for him to naturally pass instead of having someone to do it for him, but I work M-F 50 hours away from home, and I’m terrified he will pass while I’m gone. I’ve already gotten approved from my boss to take a half day today and off tomorrow to do this, so there really is no going back I guess…and he seems to be in clear pain which hurts the most. My partner told me that when he went to go pet him the other day, he hissed. I’ve never even seen my baby hiss before, it hurts so bad knowing he is in that much pain.

I really was hoping we could just get surgery to remove it; but from what the vets said it wouldn’t be possible due to where the tumor is at and other lymph nodes seem to be in early stages so it is spreading fast. Chemo would be the answer, but we would have to spend close to 6000 dollars just to get that process started and that’s not including the chemo sessions. He’s also 9 years old and with the stages it’s at, I think if it were to even work would only give him a few more months.

So looking at all of this, I know it’s the logical choice. But I can’t stop crying. Can’t stop feeling like a monster for *killing* my baby, my sweet soul cat, my Thunder-Cat. I moved across the country at 12 and got him instantly, I’ve had him since. Everyone keeps telling me he’s had a good long life, he will be in a better place. But that just doesn’t feel true at all.

He doesn’t even have a favorite toy, his favorite thing to do is lay in between me and my partner, tucked under our blanket with his head on a pillow. My spoiled baby. This will be our last night together part of me doesn’t even want to sleep to spend as much time as possible, the other half not wanting to miss out on that experience of snuggling my baby one last time.

Guess I’m making this post to read this all out but also hoping maybe someone can help me come to terms with doing this. It’s tomorrow from 3-4, I feel like I will be broken after this

If so thoughts? Are they any good and what are they even about?

Examples would be Gravity Falls and Attack on Titan, both shows that the creator knew what was going to happen and how’d it end, bc of this there are a bunch of clues that hint towards it on rewatches.

I’d love to find more shows like this!!