u/Only-Seesaw5319

I really really do not want to feel this way but I keep looping back to doing so. I feel subjugated and purposefully hurt by how I am treated once they learn of either my Autism or my ADHD. They look at me differently, they speak to me differently, like I am a toddler or something lesser. Every single interaction with someone who is aware of my nature feels false or like I am making them uncomfortable.

I do not understand how they think, live, and act much like they do not understand me. I do not trust them to even attempt to understand me. I feel like by nature they will always treat me differently and I am aware this isn’t true but I cannot help it at this point. Every turn I am met with more evidence that I cannot trust them, that it is safer to dislike them and distance myself from them.

I cannot be the only one, right?

So, I've been having this question a lot lately and everytime I've looked it up, it's lead to, "Oh just morbid curiosity". Which, while yes, I've had moments like that myself where I went "Hrm.... I wonder what that looks like" and used my unfiltered internet browser to go look at a bear bite or whatever.

However, I think there comes a fine line between curiosity and watching it for fun. A few days ago I went to a g@4e website, horrible, I know, and just went through the comments of what people were saying about the subjects of the video. They just seemed to get a like... satisfaction out of whatever they were watching. They were insulting those who lost their life, validating their political/racial/other bigoted beliefs, and just talking excitedly about what happened.

Why? I don't understand it. If anything, I'd like a response from someone who actually watches these kinds of videos. I have no intent to shame you, I am just genuinely curious and captivated by this part of human psychology.

16(M) and still living with my mother and my little sister, I've been diagnosed since I was 10 or 12 and take medication. I can't control my anger, and I feel like I'm ruining both their lives. It doesn't even feel like just ADHD, people with ADHD are still able to function, no? They just struggle, they just have some problems that giving them extra time to help can solve, and I have this and more but I get nowhere. I struggle to do basic chores, I don't clean my room, I can't stop myself from interrupting them when talking, I can't even consistently get out of bed or wash myself.

I think I'm just lazy, I don't know. My mother says everything isn't my ADHD and just me being lazy, that other's have it worse and at first I thought she was just being trashy but I'm starting to believe it. Just last night I had a massive blow up, I thought I was so calm at first and my sister kept basically harassing me, just critiquing me and critiquing me while I was eating, "You can't handle being critiqued" when I asked her to go away. I kept telling her, and telling her, then I raised my voice. I know I should of walked away but I got so negatively excited within seconds when I thought I was calm. I got in her face and nearly struck her, my mother came and put herself inbetween me and my sister and I tried shoving her too.

My family is a whole mess, but I'm just so ashamed. This can't be normal right? ADHD isn't like it. I need help, I need to be pointed in the right direction or something.